Regrets Collect Like Old Friends
by champagnewellies
Summary: Sometimes to get what you want in the present, you have to turn back and face the regrets of your past.
1. Chapter 1

_We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past, but by the love we're not extending in the present. _–_Marianne Williamson_

Staggering down the sidewalk trying to support her own, and half of McGee's weight, Ziva was really starting to regret allowing Abby talk her into wearing heels, or going out at all for that matter. It was eleven thirty on a Wednesday and they had only called it a night due to McGee starting a fight with the bartender over the advantages of online gaming, and as much as she hated to admit to herself, she was drunk. She didn't show it. That was at least something she could thank her Mossad training – or as Tony called it, her ninja training – for, but boy would she feel it in the morning. Yes she could tell tomorrow was going to be rough. Maybe more so for some, she thought as she glanced across at a very pale looking McGee and an unsteady Abby.

"So I bet you wish Tony had come out with us now, huh Ziva?" Abby who by this point was visibly failing to keep her side of McGee upright – she would probably argue that her lack of physical strength was thanks to spending most of her time in a lab running tests with a farting hippo, but Ziva had her suspicions that it may have something to do with the four cocktails she had just had bought for her.

"I do not know what you mean Abby" She shot back through gritted teeth, as yet another cab drove past at a speed that would give her own driving a run for its honey. Or was it money? Ah who cared, it was a stupid language anyways, and by this point she just wanted to get home to try and sleep off the headache that had ever so faintly began to throb inside her skull.

"Well at least if he was here, we wouldn't have such trouble keeping Timmy here standing" Abby sighed as McGee who had appeared to be gaining the use of his legs moments ago, slumped once again.

"If you and _Timmy _hadn't drunk so much, then we would not be having this issue, yes?" After all it wasn't Ziva who couldn't handle her alcohol. When she had first started at Mossad, she could have carried both McGee and Abby at a much faster pace, across treacherous and uneven terrain with her blood alcohol level at double what it was now. Or at least she thinks she could have. She would have been able to carry McGee no problem and perhaps Abby if she took off her spiky dog collar and platform boots. Shaking herself out of her thoughts as McGee once again swayed uneasily against the both of him, nearly taking a chunk of Abby's hair with him, she realised how different she was compared to then. She had been a machine, a robot programmed to do exactly as she was told, kill without mercy, without feeling. It was only years later that she truly faced the consequences of what she had done. Most did not live long enough to come to terms with it, yet she had, and without the team she doubt she could have got through it. The emotions still plagued her, and still would for the rest of her days, but they no longer ripped her apart from the inside out.

"That's not the point, I mean we never all go out as a team anymore, we used to have such wild times" Abby countered, practically slurring, nostalgic recalling times when the four of them used to go out, partying to the early hours, drinking, dancing and flirting with one another, the sexual tension so obvious between each pairing that outsiders simply didn't bother to approach them. She would never admit it, but sometimes Ziva would pretend they were on some weird form of a double date, a group of normal couples enjoying themselves. Couples who had not seen the horrors of the world that they had, didn't know what others were capable of, were completely trusting, could look forward to getting married, having kids, the whole deal. But they weren't. And times had changed so much since then. So much had happened to tear their already stretched 'normal' facade at the seams, all in a matter of years.

"Times have changed Abs, we had to grow up at some point" she teased trying to appear lighter hearted than she felt. Damn since when had drinking had this effect on her?

"Don't remind me" Abby groaned rubbing her forehead profusely "I swear I'm getting grey hair or something, and the Gibbs look was seriously not that one I wanted to have for quite some time".

"Do not be so silly Abby, quite honestly I do not think anyone could pull off the 'Gibbs look' as you call it" laughing at the visual of Abby with silver grey hair in a sports coat "You are only twenty nine, I don't think you have to worry about it for quite some time".

"I suppose your right" Abby sighed, getting a firmer grip on McGee's waist, "so what was Mr Dinozzo's excuse for not joining us tonight anyway?"

Ziva should have known better than to think she could distract Abby from the topic in hand. The girl may act sweet and bubbly, but really she was just as sneaky and devious as the rest of them.

"He said he was busy" she replied a little more bitter than she probably should have; evident by the way Abby questioningly raised an eyebrow. Even after a few too many drinks the girl still had the upper hand Ziva thought as she felt her cheeks flush slightly, though she had no idea why. Tony was allowed to do what he wanted. After all he hadn't been with anyone particularly serious since Jeanne, and in some ways Ziva had taken that for granted. But recently he had became very secretive, taking phone calls away from his desk, stopped boasting about his supposed weekend conquests, and even more strangely, actually finishing his paper work so he could get away from work on time. Ziva wasn't stupid. The only logical explanation she could think of was that Tony DiNozzo, world class playboy and womanizer, had a girlfriend. And not a girlfriend that he had been forced to seduce as part of an undercover assignment, but a real one, a one that he was very serious about if the past few weeks were anything to go by. The idea of it on its own was enough to start forming a knot in Ziva's stomach. She tried telling herself that after the death of Mike Franks she was protective over everyone. That she would react the same way if it was McGee or Ducky or even Gibbs. She was with Ray after all. Not that she had seen much of him; they had barely spoken since he had given her the empty ring box promising to talk. He seemed truly sincere but after the way he had lied to her, she couldn't help questioning his motives.

"Do I detect a hint of jealousy, Agent David?" Abby giggled, breaking Ziva from her thoughts. "Because you know, you did look a bit strange when we left the bull pen without him, you sure there isn't anything going on?" she added with a wink for emphasis, though thanks to her alcohol consumption she appeared to be having some form of a seizure.

"No, why would I be jealous Abby?" she replied quickly "Tony is my partner, I simply like to look out for him" she hesitated for a moment. "That is all". She added with a nod of her head, turning away from Abby, thanks to the growing suspicion that her eyes would betray her. Though betray what she had no clue.

"Oh sure you do, that explains why you need to know where he is twenty four seven"

"Twenty four seven?" she shrugged.

"It means all day, every day, Ziva" she said a little impatiently "And before you try to deny it, don't bother, we both know it's true."

"I like to make sure all of the team is safe" she sighed, shaking her head wondering how Abby managed to sober up and make the conversation so uncomfortable in the space of about five minutes. By this point they had arrived at a cab rank and were stood shivering as they waited. "And besides" she continued "I am with Ray."

"Oh yeah him" she heard Abby mumble "the guy who shows up after months, doesn't do anything when you are abducted by a crazy serial killer, and then takes all the credit away from Tony before giving you an empty box and once again leaving for months on end with no real explanation as to where or what he is doing. Yeah sounds like a keeper."

Ziva sighed. She knew Abby made no secret of her dislike of Ray, and getting involved in an argument with her over him, particularly when she wasn't sure how much she even believed in him herself, was not a good idea.

And then there was the abduction situation, she wasn't entirely sure how she felt about that. Abby had explained to her about a week afterwards the way Tony had acted. She had laughed it off, telling Abby that she was just over reacting, and any partner would have been exactly the same. But Abby being Abby remained convinced that there was a lot more to it than both of them were letting on. And after she had found out about the way Ray had swooped in at the last minute to take the credit, she had absolutely hit the roof. It was almost comical the way she stomped around her lab for the next two days playing her music so loud the other side of the navy yard could hear it, and in fact had Ray not been on a 'top secret' mission, Ziva would have been seriously concerned for his welfare. An angry Abby alongside the fact she could kill someone without leaving any forensic evidence was a dangerous combination. But even months later, questions remained unanswered, for Ziva and Abby. Why had Tony acted the way he had? The usual calm, collected, movie quoting, partially idiotic guy everyone knew, had panicked? And had panicked over her? She didn't want to allow herself to think about what it could mean, and the reasons why that couldn't be. Sure he had said he couldn't live without her, but he had been beaten, tortured, sat in a cell in unimaginable heat with no water for god knows how long. He obviously had meant it in a working sense; no way would Tony have feelings for her. But then there were his eyes, even if he hadn't been shot up with truth serum, she would have known he was telling the truth, and what did that mean or them? Feeling herself getting carried away, she shook her head giving herself a mental Gibbs slap. What was she thinking? Of course Tony didn't have feelings for her in that way, just like she didn't have feelings for him. She was happy with Ray, end of story.

Realizing that it had been a while since Abby had spoken; she looked up to see her staring curiously. The silence was slightly awkward as Abby continued to stare, wanting to say more on the subject of Ray but not quite knowing how too. That in itself was completely unlike her; usually she could strike up a conversation about pretty much anything. But Ziva was different. Sure she considered her to be one of her closest friends, their differences quite literally in the past, but she knew she couldn't read Ziva like Tony. Could anyone? And that is probably what bugged her the most. Abby could see through everyone, at least she thought she could. Catching Ziva's eye however, it was quite obvious that she really didn't want to talk about him.

With a sigh she decided to change the subject. Though only slightly. There were some things that definitely needed some investigation, and this would be the perfect opportunity.

"So" she started with a little hesitance "what was the real reason our very special agent Anthony DiNozzo doing tonight? You must know Ziva, you know everything" Watching Ziva's relaxed form tense at the question, she realised she had hit a nerve. Maybe Ziva wasn't as drunk as she thought.

Deciding that she was most likely not going to get an answer, she went to turn to McGee, who was now lying across the pavement mumbling something about computers. But before she had the chance Ziva spoke, and unless her Abby senses were completely off, the tone of her voice was a little sad.

"I think a better question would be 'who' is he doing tonight?" That was the only answer she could give, because honestly she felt as if Tony was cutting her out of his life again. And she hated it. They used to know everything about each other, every part of their personal and professional lives; they still did in a sense. They were incredibly close, but she hadn't wanted to speak to him about Ray, had foolishly thought keeping her private life separate from work would give her an opportunity to have a half normal life. How wrong she had been. She now had a boyfriend that was never around and had singlehandedly hammered a wedge between her and Tony. She kept him out of her outside relationships, so he kept her out of his. And that for some reason was more crushing than anything else.

"What do you mean" Abby questioned, confused to say the least. After a long pause, Ziva spoke again.

"Well it is obvious, is it not?" Swallowing the irrational jealousy – something she only seemed to experience when hearing discussing Tony's women - that was building in her throat as she spoke "Tony has a girlfriend. He wishes to spend time with her"

"Tony has a girlfriend?" McGee slurred from the pavement. They had forgotten that even in his drunken stupor he could hear them, not that he would remember it in the morning. "I really doubt that" he laughed hysterically, trying to stand before collapsing to the ground yet again.

Without peeling her eyes from a now snoring McGee, Abby continued

"Unbelievably I'm with Timmy on this one Ziva. If Tony had a girlfriend he would have told us, I mean after everything that's happened recently, he wouldn't be keeping secrets, he would tell at least one of us, right?"

"He didn't the last time Abby"

"Yeah but I mean look how that worked out, his car got blown up for god sake! And besides he was undercover, he couldn't tell us, even if he wanted too" she said with a concerned look on her face, remembering the day everyone believed Tony was dead. It wasn't something she wanted to endure ever again. "Hey maybe that's it, maybe he's on assignment again, there was that thing about the micro chip and the mole hunt he was involved in after EJ left" shivering slightly as she said her name. She had not liked that woman one bit, and had not been particularly sorry to see her go. "Yeah that's probably it, that's why he's being secretive" she nodded, satisfied with her explanation, more to convince herself than anyone else. Honestly she was slightly hurt at the thought of Tony not telling her something. She was Abby, the only person who knew more about the team than her was Gibbs, and let's face it the guy was basically a superhero.

"That assignment ended weeks ago Abby" Ziva replied with a sigh "He told me himself"

"So, maybe he lied" Abby said a little too defensively.

Ziva couldn't help but chuckle at the look on her face, resembling that of a six year old child after being told they couldn't have any sweets. She often wished that she could show that much emotion. To not hide behind the constant rigid mask that had been slowly breaking down over the six and a half years she had been at NCIS. At that thought she smiled. She was getting there, admittedly very slowly, but not showing emotion was the first thing you learnt and the last thing you forgot. Gradually she was becoming her own person, thanks to her team at NCIS. But mostly thanks to Tony. The smile fading from her face slightly she straightened up. Why was it that everything she did, or said, or thought always revolved back to Tony? She had tried desperately over the years to stop, but it was like a drug, a habit she just could not kick, and the thought of her life without him was enough to set her stomach churning. Aiming a swing at a lamppost as yet another taxi drove past them, she couldn't believe that she was thinking of this again. She did feel about him in that way, and the same applied to him. They were simply partners. Granted partners who had been through a lot more than most, but they were still here, through everything, good or bad, had simply made their partnership stronger. She had told Ray she thought of him as a brother. That was a downright lie. Of course she loved him in that sense, possibly more. But a brother, really? How many people can say they have flirted and teased their brothers none stop for the best part of six years, have went undercover as married assassins and had a fair share of fantasies about them? Ok definitely not the last one, and that was very much so in the first few year of knowing each other. Before Jeanne, before Rivkin and before Somalia, the factors that should have torn their partnership apart but they came back stronger every time. And it's not as if he hadn't thought about her in that way before either, she knew fine well that she had been the star of a great number of his own fantasies. But that was in the past. They had both grown up a great deal, and were both now slowing down, possibly settling down, as she thought of Ray's promise 'to talk'. Whether she wanted to settle down with him or not was another matter. She would find someone eventually though, as would Tony. The sudden thought of Tony settling down and possibly moving away from her was like a kick to the chest. She knew there had been talk of him getting his own team for a while now, but he was reluctant to talk about whether he was considering it or not. The idea of Tony getting his own team in another part of the country, getting married to a perfect woman, having kids and the perfect life, made her throat tighten and made her feel light headed. Steadying herself by taking deep breaths convincing herself that the reason she reacted the way she did, was due to the fact that she had came to rely on Tony heavily, and that she simply wouldn't be comfortable with change.

"Ziva?" Abby called. Pulling her from her deep thoughts she realised that a cab had pulled up alongside them and Abby was trying to explain where they wanted to go to a very pissed off looking driver "How far is it to your apartment from here" she continued giving her a strange look. Ziva swallowed. There was no way Abby could possibly know what she had been thinking about,, she was a Goth – a very happy one at that – not a mind reader.

"Umm" she responded, trying to gather her thoughts. She was usually so in control of herself, what was going on? "About twenty five minutes, depending on traffic"

"Well to be honest love, its midnight on a Wednesday night I really don't think that we are going to be encountering that much traffic"

Ziva' s face suddenly turned thunderous at the comment, and was ready to give him a piece of her mind and see how much he 'encountered' then when she felt Abby grasp her arm.

"Ziva drop it, as much as I would love seeing you go all ninja on his ass, I really just want to get home and clearing up after you murder him will no doubt take at least an hour" she said with a mischievous grin.

Shooting the cab driver an annoyed look, she reached over to help McGee stand up, who at that moment groaned and yelled loud enough so the cab driver and probably most of the street heard

"Ugh I think I'm going to be sick" before leaning over the kerb and emptying his lunch onto the street.

"Oh this definitely isn't worth it" the cab driver laughed before leaning over, shutting the door and driving away leaving a very angry Ziva, slightly disgusted Abby, and a newly hungry McGee standing on the sidewalk, not quite believing what just happened.

"Well what now?" Ziva exclaimed after a few moments of surprised silence "No one is going to take us with McGee like that"

"We could call Gibbs" Abby suggested a little sheepishly, as much as she loved Gibbs, she really didn't want to have to call him in the middle of the night

With a groan, Ziva ran her hands through her hair, tugging at the ends

"Oh like we are not dead enough already" she sighed before retrieving her cell phone from her pocket, only to see a blank screen. Oh fantastic she thought looking down at the device and giving herself yet another mental Gibb's slap for not putting it on charge before she came out.

"My phones dead" she stated, turning to a very fidgety looking Abby

"I left mine in my apartment, not wanting to be interrupted by work you know?" she practically whispered, a little concerned about how Ziva would react "Oh and McGee's is dead as well she said holding the phone she had just retrieved from his pocket"

"Great" Ziva said before she laughed, at first in a way to break the tension but it wasn't long before she was hysterical alongside Abby, tears streaming from their eyes, not really sure what they were laughing at, but not wanting to face the stress of the situation either.

Finally composing themselves, they looked at each other as once again they shivered, it was late spring but the nights could still be cold, particularly when you didn't have a jacket. It all didn't seem as funny anymore.

"So what now" Ziva repeated, hopeful that Abby might have came up with a solution.

"I don't know" she shrugged, before her head snapped up, her eyes wide "Hey doesn't Tony only live like a block or two over from here"

Looking around her surroundings, she couldn't believe she hadn't realized it before, not that paying Tony a visit at this time of night, when he would probably be preoccupied with his girlfriend filled her with joy. But it was better than nothing; at least it would be warm in his apartment building, even if they had to sit in the corridors all night.

"Yeah I think he does" she admitted

Abby squealed with delight "Oh my god, this is going to be so much fun! It will just be like a sleepover, but a late night one"

"Something tells me it will not be like that, I believe he will be with his girlfriend, yes?"

"For the last time Ziva, Tony does not have a girlfriend" Abby sighed as she leaned over to try and lift her side of McGee up. "Come on Timmy, We're going for a walk."

"Walking where Abs?" He slurred, though a little more clearly than before.

"To Tony's" Ziva replied wrapping her arm around McGee's waist in an attempt to keep him standing,

As Ziva stared across at the pair, Abby subconsciously stroked a strand of hair from McGee's face. They were perfect for each other, they just didn't realise it, she thought as she began to walk, practically dragging the pair behind her thanks to her fast pace and the fact she was now completely sober. It must be nice to have someone like that, someone who is your complete opposite yet perfect for you in every way.

It did not take them long to walk the short distance to the street that Tony's apartment building was situated on, even if McGee was still completely out of it. And thank god she breathed seeing that the lights in his apartment were still turned on, he wasn't asleep yet.

Making their way towards the building, they passed the only open restaurant on the street - a popular family run place that Tony had insisted on visiting on numerous occasions - the last remaining diners stared out of the windows at the odd threesome. Making no effort to make herself less obvious, a woman in her early forties tapped her husband on the shoulder and pointed through the window laughing the whole time. Ziva being Ziva was all set to march in there at that moment and quite literally wipe the smug smile off her face but stopped herself and began laughing when she imagined how they must look. A Goth standing well over 6ft tall, wearing a very fetching pair of patent leather boots with 5inch platforms adorned with chains to match her outfit, a black mini dress and fish net tights that now had huge rips in them, makeup smudged and a pigtail half out and limp down the side of her face, a very angry looking Israeli, who appeared to want to murder anyone who got in her way, only prevented by the fact she was now hobbling due to a pair of heels that she knew she would probably have to have surgically removed and a finally a very drunk guy who was being dragged by the two woman in question, eyes half shut slurring and slobbering every so often to anyone who would listen. Yes they were quite the sight.

Oh Tony was going to love this.


	2. Chapter 2

Staring across the couch at the woman who sat metres away from him, Tony couldn't quite believe how much his life had changed in a matter of weeks. Catherine Lashley was so much like him it was scary. He couldn't believe how she quite literally walked into his life, even though she had been under his nose for a while now. And yeah he had been spending a lot of time with her, more than he probably should have, but there was just so much he didn't know and about her. What her life was like, stories from her childhood, who was the first person to break her heart, why she chose the career she had, whatever it was he needed to know. He felt like he had known her his entire life, and was hit by a wave of sadness by the amount he had missed out on.

Yet as he sat on the couch - beer in each of their hands and popcorn sat in between them – enjoying another of their movie nights, he couldn't help but feel like he was making up for lost time. She had quite eagerly agreed to watch a marathon of James Bond movies over The Notebook saying it was a no brainer and she didn't really enjoy all that mushy depressing romantic stuff anyways, that it was incredibly unrealistic and it gave everyone the wrong impression of what a relationship was really like. He supposed she knew best considering she had written three bestselling books on the matter, though even being the hopeless romantic that he was Tony had no real clue who in their right mind would want to read a book like that. Neither did Cath apparently

Tearing his eyes from the screen he watched her face set into a frown of fierce concentration and biting her lip subconsciously as a particularly dramatic scene played out. At one time, what seemed forever ago, it had been Ziva sat on his couch, the same look plastered on her face as she struggled to take in everything that was going on. He had wanted her so badly then and not in a 'wham bam thank you ma'am' kind of way either. He wanted nothing more than to spend every night of the rest of his life in that exact spot, spending time with her, being close to her and just living in the constant glow that just one of her beautiful smiles created.

But fate didn't work like that. You couldn't always get what you wanted, and boy did he learn that lesson. Shortly after their relationship was quite literally torn up into tiny pieces right in front of his eyes, he often wondered how things would have turned out had they had normal jobs, with entirely different backgrounds altogether and could have just been with each other.

As the commercials ran between two films, Cath rose from the couch to change into a pair of his sweats giving him a small smile as she bounded down the hallway. It was oddly refreshing seeing how comfortable she was around his apartment, though it wasn't as if she hadn't made herself at home straight away anyway. Her eyes had practically lit up seeing all the classic 'frat boy' memorabilia – even in considerably low quantities compared to previous years – and had to literally restrain herself from overly analysing his choice of decor and behaviour. Some people may have found it rude, but Tony was simply in such awe that he couldn't register anything more complicated than 'do you want a beer?' and 'which movie should we watch'. One thing he is most definitely certain about is better men than him would have excused her for her lack of tact, her being a trained psychologist after all, and an incredibly good one at that.

In fact she was one of the leading psychologists in the country. Trained not only in evaluation but also combat and as an agent. She was quite literally a female James Bond, or a younger, more innocent Ziva.

Ziva, why did he keep thinking of her tonight? It wasn't as if he didn't know she was suspicious of his sneaking around, the look on her face when he told her he couldn't join them tonight was heartbreaking. If Gibb's hadn't walked in at exactly that moment then he knew, with absolute certainty he would have given her a better explanation than 'I'm busy'.

There was just something about the way her face always crumpled for a split second before she stopped herself. Anyone else would have totally missed it, and believed her false enthusiasm, and maybe he too would have been left oblivious, but her eyes. Her eyes told him everything he needed to know. He was an expert at reading Ziva's eyes - a result of the steamy eye-sex they once had across the bullpen - and all he had seen in them this afternoon was betrayal and sadness.

The betrayal he could understand. He knew Ziva well enough to know that she was a 'have your cake and eat it' kind of girl; she would be perfectly content to continue seeing C-I-Ray whilst having Tony in the sidelines to make her laugh and buy her a falafel when the jerk didn't call her back – she could pretend to him all she liked that she had the perfect relationship but Tony didn't fall for any of it - but quite honestly the 'best friend' routine was wearing a bit thin now. Not that he didn't like being Ziva's friend, but trailing along behind her, while she give him nothing in return, not even the reasons why she was upset in the first place was simply insane.

The sadness however, he couldn't explain. He knew she still felt guilty about the way things had played out between them, and that guilt would likely never leave, that went for the both of them.

But no, this sadness was different. It was if she was finally acknowledging she was losing him, as if she had finally realised she had missed her chance. The ball had always been in her court, waiting for her to make the move, and yet she never had. He realised then he had never found out if his feelings were reciprocated, he had assumed she felt the same, but you could never be sure with Ziva. She was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode and every single time in the past seven years, Tony has been the one closest and often the cause of the blast, yet always the one to pick up the pieces, before they rebuilt and continued as if nothing had ever happened. That was how they worked, never talking, never looking back, just allowing their regrets to drive inwards and send them mad.

He was pulled out of his thoughts as Cath came back with two more beers and sat down, raising an eyebrow at the blank expression on his face.

He just winked back at her before taking a swig of beer and settling into the cushions as 'Goldfinger' rolled across the screen. What was up with him tonight? He never had these sorts of thoughts, and if he did he was always too drunk to remember or so doped up on morphine that thoughts just weren't an issue. That reminded him actually, to inform Cath to never, under any circumstances give him morphine. The last time he had it, well let's just say it sent him slightly loopy, and a loopy Tony results in severe humiliation when he did eventually return to work. They still hadn't let him live down 'the plant pot incident'.

He wondered then if while giving her the crash course of dealing with Tony DiNozzo on morphine, if Cath would mind if he registered her as his next of kin.

Ok he had officially lost it. They had only known each other a matter of weeks, but it made sense. He didn't honestly see her going anywhere any time soon, and it wasn't as if he really wanted his dad written down, if the man had to decide between a business deal and his dying son, they both knew what he would choose. Tony had simply written him down because facing Gibbs filled him with dread, both for the man's reaction and quite frankly it made himself look quite pathetic, being forty something with no family and having to ask your slightly terrifying boss.

Then there was McGee, ahh McGee. He had grown up so much in the past few years, both in personality and as an agent. If ever there was a time to stop calling him 'probie', well that would have been years ago. He was no longer Tony's probie, but an outstanding member of the team and a close friend. But writing him down as his next of kin? Well he wouldn't want to put McGee through that, if ever a difficult decision had to be made, he didn't want McSensitive to wonder if he made the right one, he would spare him that.

That rule applied to every other member of the team as well. Abby would no doubt be too emotional to speak, Ducky too busy telling a story of when 'when he was a lad' and Palmer, well he wouldn't get a word in edgeways anyway so he was most definitely out. The guy was cool, but one look from Gibb's and he was a sweating stuttering state.

Then there was Ziva. To be honest he had a strong prediction that any maim or re arrangement of his face was most likely to come from her anyway. He was curious how she would react if he was seriously injured though. She probably wouldn't even bother coming to see him. He seriously couldn't imagine her pacing the hospital corridors desperate to see him, before sitting at his bedside for days on end, holding his hand, willing for him to wake up and...Why was he thinking about this? Thinking about death, and who would visit him in hospital, seriously?

It must be the beer, what else could be causing his brain to come up with such crazy stuff? Placing the bottle back down onto the coffee table, and making a mental note to never buy that brand again, he turned his attention back to Cath.

It struck him then, how truly beautiful she was. At 27 she was still very much in her prime, despite all the success she had had in her career. In a matter of five years she had accomplished more than what most did in a lifetime, working between federal agencies all across the world, sent to places he hadn't even heard of, studied languages he couldn't make sense of if he tried, yet she did it without complaint. Simply went where she was needed and worked harder than anyone.

Her honey blond hair had fallen out of the tight up do she wore for work and now hung loosely around her shoulders, her makeup washed clean from her face, the stiff shirt and trousers changed for something more comfortable. Yet she still managed to look like some sort of super model.

Her slightly olive skin contrasted with the greenness of her eyes making her look like she belonged to a tropic island rather than her original birthplace of L.A. She was one of those people who had it all. Clearly the odds had played very well in her favour, he had told her that too, on more than one occasion.

There was just something about her that drew everyone in, a natural charm that a person is born with, something that simply can't be learnt. He knew for certain that she had nearly everyone she knew –whether it be friends or criminals - eating out of the palm of her hand; he was one of them after all.

He hadn't noticed that she was now too staring back at him, an amused grin tugging at the corners of her mouth.

"You know DiNozzo it's slightly creepy when your brother sits and stares at you" she said as she picked up a slice of pizza from the box. Since when had that been there? He must have really zoned out back then, just as well Cath already knew he was screwed up and a bit of a weirdo or she would be quite literally sprinting for the door at this point.

"Yeah, just about as creepy as your little sister crawling into bed with you in the middle of the night" quickly diverting the focus of conversation to when she had gotten into his bed alongside him a couple of days previous complaining of cold. Not that he minded, it wasn't as if she took up much space, she was considerably petite made up for by her fiery personality, but that didn't mean he could poke some fun at her at the same time.

"Your spare bed room is freezing Tony" she said with an exasperated sigh

"No it's not"

"Yes it is"

"No it's not"

"Ok well if you love it so much, you sleep in there tonight"

"Why would I sleep in the spare room? I have a perfectly nice room of my own" he countered, trying not to laugh at the deathly expression on her face. They both knew he would quite willingly let her have his room if only one person could have it, but the temptation of winning an argument over ruled dealing with her slight annoyance.

"Made even nicer when I'm in it" she grinned before continuing "When was the last time you had someone other than your younger sister over here anyways Tony? Wouldn't want that reputation of yours to be affected"

Ouch that was a low blow, not that she meant anything offensive by it of course. But it _had_ been quite some time since he had even had a date, never mind bringing anyone home. Not that he was concerned, he still could charm just about anyone he wanted, but he just never seemed to be all that interested in those sleazy one night affairs anymore. Yes it was true; Anthony DiNozzo was growing up.

"I think my reputations good for now, the neighbours are under the impression I'm dating a twenty something, blond, Blake Lively lookalike."

"Not anymore they're not".

At that he sat bolt upright. He should have known better than to mess with her. How did he not guess that she would talk to the neighbours?

"Cath, What did you say to them?" he drew out slowly as if she were a small child "Please don't tell me I'm being driven out of my apartment by an angry mob"

"Yeah they are coming round sometime tomorrow, that good with you?" She shrugged, but upon seeing the serious look on his face continued "Look I just introduced myself to a few I met in the elevator on the way up, nothing to worry about".

"Oh thank god for that, for a second there I thought you may have told them something embarrassing" he sighed running his fingers through his hair "don't let old Mrs Jacobsen fool you, she may seem like sweetness and light when you first meet her, but the woman is a predator, she knows everything about everyone"

"So that's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets" Cath whispered, taking a sip of her own beer, apparently it wasn't having an effect on her like it was him.

"Mean Girls reference, really? Are we actually related or have you just been lying this entire time?" Now that he thought about it he should really recommend that movie to Ziva, it would probably do her idioms some good, and maybe she would stop asking why occasionally they would hear people describing things as 'so fetch'.

Secretly though he did actually enjoy correcting and explaining things to her, it was a part of their relationship that had never changed through everything, and sometimes he thought that she did it purposely just so that they could keep it going. He wondered if Ray corrected her. Stupid question, the guy didn't seem to be around often enough to actually have a conversation, or at least he didn't seem to be. Ziva told him nothing about her outside relationships. It honestly puzzled him why she stayed with him. The guy wasn't even that great looking. Not that he knew anyone better for her. Well not really.

"Fortunately or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, that paternity test dad demanded proved that we are in fact related" she said, playing with the hem of her vest top "it seems daddy dearest was a busy guy".

"Got that right, you know it really shouldn't have surprised me as much as it did" he sighed as he leant against the arm rest of the couch "I just wish it hadn't taken twenty seven years for me to find out I actually had a sibling".

"I know" she nodded reaching across to pat his hand "but now you do, so make the most out of being in my splendid company"

At that he laughed "I wouldn't go far as calling it 'splendid' you still owe me a tub of ice cream from last week"

"You fell asleep!" she exclaimed dramatically "and you didn't even like that flavour, who else would have eaten it?"

"Well I actually bought it for Zi-". He stopped himself before he uttered the last word, hoping she hadn't noticed his trip up. The way her eyes had widened though told him she most definitely had, and wasn't going to let him back down. Damn it.

He had been reluctant to share information about the team with her. Not because he didn't trust her, or thought she wouldn't understand the complicated connections that ran and interweaved between them. She no doubt would have been the only outsider to instantly understand the loyalties that came with working with a team.

No quite honestly what had made him so reluctant about telling her everything about the team and vice versa was that she was the first thing in such a long time that was outside of work, and selfishly he wanted to keep her to himself. At one point he had considered Ziva as 'his' which although totally wrong and she would have killed him if she had found out, had been nice, yet look how that turned out. He just couldn't risk that with Cath.

It was stupid and irrational to think that the second she met the team and in particular Gibb's she would be taken away from him. But really after years of being the class clown and seeing both Ziva and McGee over take him, could you really blame him for that? He had been ready for his own team for years, ready for bigger challenges, bigger and better things, yet he never had taken them, until now.

The look on Vance's face when Tony all but placed a bow on the Operation Frankenstein case had been priceless. It was well heard of that Tony was a good agent; however he doubted that Vance had truly believed that until that particular case.

Then there was of course explaining every event that had happened in the last seven years. If it was done in the detail that was required, it would take him at least into his nineties. It was truly no wonder that he couldn't find anyone to settle down with, because when you're supposed to give your entire being to one person, where do you even start when you are this screwed up?

The look that was on her face now though, said it all, she wanted to know more than just the snippets he had told her, and she wanted to know right now.

"Was that a 'Ziva' I heard there?" she asked, rolling her tongue as she did so.

He rubbed the back of his head with his hand, tempted to slap himself for even bringing this into the conversation, but restrained himself. He was already developing a thin patch there he didn't want to contribute to it.

"Ok let's get this over with; what do you want to know?"

"Why haven't you introduced me to anyone in your team? Do you just not want to or something?" she said, her voice small and her face a little sad, a total stranger to the person she usually embodied. Ok so he most definitely had not been expecting that.

"Seriously? You think I haven't introduced you to the team because I'm embarrassed by you?" he laughed as she gave a little nod affirming it "Cath, for such a clever woman you can be incredibly stupid at times" he said pulling her into him for assurance. "The team don't even know you exist yet, and that is for no other reason than simply I don't want to share. I know what they are like, and until I really knew you well I didn't want to have to explain everything to them".

"And by them you mean Ziva, right?" Of course out of every damn woman and psychologist in the country, his sister ended up being the one that was part mind reader.

"No, I mean 'them' in general"

"But Ziva in particular" she replied, definitely perking up as she turned to look him in the eye.

"I suppose you could say that Ziva and I have a certain amount of history, where change doesn't exactly come easily" he admitted not quite believing that he had managed to put it into a coherent sentence. He didn't mention that an incredibly spiteful part of him was playing Ziva at her own game.

She had totally cut him out of her life in everything that didn't involve work, and when you have known someone as long as they had, that sort of stung a bit you know? So keeping a secret from her, having her desperate to know, and making her do the worrying for once was weirdly satisfying.

"You love her don't you?"

At that Tony practically choked on his slice of Pizza, leaning over the side of the couch as Cath patted his back – a little harder than necessary he might add – he managed to choke out "What are you talking about? Of course I love Ziva, but more in a brother/sister sort of way"

"Sure you do" she drawled out sarcastically "Well just to draw some boundaries, don't think I would ever be willing to do _that _kind of undercover work with you" seeing the confused look on his face she added "Oh yeah I read that case file. Pretty steamy stuff huh? I mean don't get me wrong your an attractive guy, but pretending to have sex with my brother, yeah I think I will pass".

"Ha very funny"

"I'm serious Tony; it's so painfully obvious that you have feelings for her. I mean going on a suicide mission to Somalia just to avenge her death? That practically screams that you love her" she said waving her arms around as if to prove a point "It also screams stupidity, but we will get to that later".

"Hold up there just a sec, you read the Somalia case file too?" Even he wasn't allowed to read that file, and he was the one who organized and carried out the mission, never mind risked his life and career. He would do it over and over again though if he had too. Do it again without a second thought.

"Do you have any idea how high my security clearance is?" she reasoned raising a perfectly plucked eyebrow at him. How could woman go through that sort of pain? He often questioned it after a sadistic ex girlfriend attacked him with a pair of tweezers, easy to say that relationship did not last very long at all.

"Nope, do I even want to know?"

"Of course you do, everyone loves secrets. But don't change the subject, why did you buy Ziva ice cream?"

"You know, just being a good friend"

"Well I'm a good friend and I don't randomly buy my friends ice cream"

"You're from L.A"

"What does that have to do with it?"

"It has everything to do with it"

"No it doesn't"

"Yes it does"

"No it doesn't"

"Yes it does"

"You're avoiding the subject again Tony"

"No I'm not"

"What are you, four?"

"I'm seven actually"

"Tony..."

"Cath..."

He knew he was annoying her now; the way she was practically pulling her hair out from the roots was a slight giveaway. It was quite amusing knowing the way she could have criminals and mass murderers under her thumb in under a minute, yet couldn't seem to crack Tony until he himself was good and ready.

He had said she could ask him anything though, and if he didn't tell her soon, he had a slight suspicion she would cause him serious bodily harm.

"Let's just say that she was upset about something, so to cheer her up I invited her over here and bought her some stuff that she likes" leaning forward to adjust the magazines that lay on the coffee table.

That was half the truth at least. He _had _seen her upset and had invited her over. But more for reliving old times than to cheer her up. Quite honestly he had hoped that particular night would have helped in repairing some of the cracks that had begun to show, if he could only get her to open up, to share what she was feeling, but nothing ever works out the way you plan them.

"Right" Cath replied chewing her lip "So I'm assuming relationship problem?" at his nod she continued "You playing the part of the doting best friend?" at his second confirmation she continued again "And by the fact that ice cream was sat at the bottom of the freezer, I'm thinking she didn't show up?"

"She did call, to say she wasn't coming" one look at Cath's expression told him that explanation was most certainly not going to be enough, his chest heaved slightly "Basically her boyfriend called, and she chose to go out with him, no biggy" He didn't mention the fact he _still_ didn't know why she had cancelled her plans in the first place.

Cath was silent for a moment while she contemplated this. You could almost see the cogs turning in her brain as she made sense of the situation. He hoped that she would just nod and they could continue their movie night, but of course she would have her own opinion on the matter.

"What a total bitch!" she exclaimed loudly enough for the entire apartment block to hear he was sure.

"Cath, keep it down a bit would you?" Mrs Jacobsen would be round any minute finding out what was going on, he would bet his life on it.

"No, I'm sorry Tony, but that's what she is, a total bitch! How could she do that to you? Even if there weren't feelings involved, which F.Y.I there clearly is, it's an overall shitty thing to do to someone." Now he knew that Cath was annoyed, she made a point from the second she knew a person that she didn't tolerate swearing one bit.

He hadn't even realised that she had carried on with her overly dramatic rant until he registered her insistent babbling in the background noise

"Her boyfriend must be some sort of Greek God or something. In fact no I really hope he isn't. I hope he looks like Quasimodo on a bad day and has some sort of condition that means he smells all of the time".

Despite the tension circulating the room, Tony had to laugh at that. Trust Cath to come up with a Disney reference in the middle of what was a very convincing angry rant.

"It's fine Cath, really. I don't honestly care all that much"

"Well you should. She's using you Tony, using you and playing on your emotions and it's not fair. If she wants this boyfriend of hers then that's fine but she can't keep stringing you along as if you don't have any feelings".

"There aren't any feelings to have, whatever we were is long gone by this point"

"So there was something?" she asked, a sly look creeping around her features.

"_Was _as in past tense" he said standing up to straighten up the cushions that had fallen during the more heated moments of discussion.

"I want to meet her" Cath announced, shifting so that she now lounged along the full length of the couch.

"I'm not sure that would be such a good idea" he let out a strangled laugh.

"Why not? I reckon I could take her".

Now that he thought about it, that is most definitely something Tony would pay to see, as long as neither of them got hurt that was. But seeing Ziva's short temper up against Cath's meddling and psyche analysis would surely result in entertainment.

"I'm sure you could, but currently I do believe Miss David believes that you are in fact my secret girlfriend, so you meeting her would no doubt result in ritual humiliation for me"

"Why does everyone think I'm your girlfriend at the moment?"

"Might have something to do with the fact that everyone who has ever known me has always known me as an only child"

"Yeah there's always that" she paused for a moment clearly pondering the best move "I still want to meet her though".

Oh marvellous Tony thought as there was a knock at the door –surely Mrs Jacobsen wasn't really coming round at this time – not only did he get humiliated, but no doubt his sister and Ziva would become best friends swapping stories about him and would leave him trampled in the dirt. And with those two, he wouldn't put it past them to do that in a literal sense too.

Oh Ziva was going to love this.


	3. Chapter 3

"We should have left him at the bottom" Abby puffed as she helped haul McGee over the final step "What sort of apartment building stops the elevator after a certain time?"

"You were the one who refused to leave him there in the first place Abby"

"Yeah well what if something had happened to him? He's a federal agent too you know, someone may have been following us"

"No one was following us, and I really doubt anyone would want him anyway" at Abby's look of horror she backtracked "You know he is pretty heavy to lift after all, especially if he was trying to fight them off"

It was total rubbish of course, as only half of that statement was moderately true. McGee would have left – quite willingly -with a group of Mexican cartel members had they showed up, probably mistaking them for Ziva and Abby. Said cartel members would of course require a fork lift truck, but that was beside the point. The answer seemed to satisfy Abby into silence though if only for a moment as they made their way down the corridor to Tony's door. With a bit of luck she would stay that way until they actually got into the apartment, Ziva's really needed to get her thoughts in order if she wanted to escape the next twenty minutes without being humiliated.

No such luck. "If I didn't know any better, I would say our dear agent DiNozzo moved to this stupid building on purpose".

"He's lived here for years Abby" she said trying to swiftly end the conversation, the girl seriously did not know when to take a hint. However in true drunken Abby fashion she continued regardless.

"Though I suppose we can't really use that against him, I bet he doesn't really expect late night visits"

"I don't know, I expect he gets them pretty often"

At that Abby broke her incessant babbling and turned to look at her "Speaking from experience there Ziva"

"No, usually I can never stand to wait longer than about half nine" she replied as she turned away to haul McGee the final steps to Tony's door, before pausing to knock. At least that stunned Abby for a while, the alcohol was clearly messing with her ability to interpret sarcasm.

In fact the idea of actually having to be sarcastic about showing up at Tony's saddened her. They had lost their care free and easy going relationship that they one had, they both pretended it was still there. And it was true, no one understood them, knew more about them, and worked quite in sync like they did with each other. But their relationship was beginning to verge on tense, and not the heat building, eye sex kind either. Of course the state of the relationship had been in severely worse condition in previous years, but that was out of anger. This, well neither of them really wanted to pin point what this was. Too many things had been left unsaid over the years, too many things buried underneath their already shaky foundations. She knew herself that they couldn't continue for much longer the way they had been, but to move forward they actually had to talk, and neither of them was particularly good at communicating.

She could hear footsteps coming closer to the door now, and she was nervous, it was stupid, she had been to Tony's many times before, yet here she was acting like an immature school girl. Abby had been too afraid to climb the dark stairs on her own, absolutely positive she would be attacked. Quite honestly Ziva thought the probability of an attacker sitting on the stairs was considerably low but she didn't argue with her because there was absolutely no chance of Ziva going to knock on Tony's door on her own, it was bad enough that she was the only moderately sober one, but no doubt he would make her grovel for his assistance, and it was very likely that she would murder him the mood she was currently in.

It seemed like only yesterday – she knew she got that saying correct – that she had been visiting Tony's apartment at least once a week when Gibb's had retired. It had been innocent, simply company during what was a difficult period for both of them, but she knew with certainty that had they had just a little more time that it would have gone further. Though for seem reason she knew it would have been more than a 'friends with benefits' sort of deal, there were real feelings between them, _had been _real feelings, she had to start remembering that.

Truthfully though she missed all of it, the takeout, the discussing film plots, the falling asleep on the couch together before waking up in the early hours and simply crashing in Tony's bed instead of going home. He had always let her too, knowing the temperature in his spare room was like the Antarctic during the night, though secretly she thought he refused to put heaters in there on purpose.

Now she thought about it though, yes she did miss all of that, but mostly she missed him. The obvious attraction between the pair of them she doubted would ever go away, but mostly she missed him being her best friend.

She was so consumed in her thoughts that she didn't notice that McGee was now leaning against the front door though still with a dirty fist clenched around her shirt. At any other point she may have pointed out how childlike he was acting for a man that was supposed to be a bestselling author, but of course that is the moment Tony chose to yank his front door open, clearly wondering why there was a dead weight leaning against it.

Now if anyone had told her about this happening to them, she probably would not have believed them. But the whole scenario literally seemed to play through slow motion.

As the door opened, McGee lost what minimal composure he had gained during his weight and barrelled head first through the doorway - narrowly missing Tony who conveniently sidestepped the wrecking ball that was McGee – though not before tightening his grip on Ziva who's ninja skills were seriously lacking tonight, ripping her shirt and pulling her down on top of him in the process, leaving her staring up at a blinking Tony and Abby.

The silence in the room only seemed to last a second before it was broke by Tony's hysterical laughter.

Through his fits he managed to choke out "well hey, I always had my suspicions about you and McGoo but you could have just came out and told me, I can keep a secret from Gibb's"

"Shut up Tony" Ziva said through gritted teeth, trying to make a move from McGee. On top of everything else she had managed to hit her head on the way down, and it had caused her head to spin slightly. She reckoned she could still kick his ass though.

Wiping a tear away from his eye, though Ziva doubted it had been _that_ hilarious, Tony spoke up again "Not that I don't appreciate the visit or anything but what are you guys doing here?"

"It was Ziva's idea" slurred a considered unconscious McGee, causing Ziva to dig her elbows into his ribcage as she rolled to the side. She may be perfectly comfortable lying on top of Tony, but McGee, well it was just weird.

"Actually it was my idea" Abby seemed to be looking across the room somewhere, though Ziva couldn't quite bring herself to pick her head up to see what she was looking at. "We couldn't get a cab, and we were cold and too far from home to walk especially with McGee, so we just came here, but we can go if you want us too, we don't want to intrude"

"Don't be silly Abs, you're always welcome here, and you know that"

At that Abby seemed to perk up slightly, though she was still staring across the room. It wasn't until Ziva stood up giving McGee another quick dig as she went that she understood what she was looking at.

Standing across the room, wearing nothing but a pair of what were clearly Tony's sweats and a hoody, was one of the most naturally beautiful woman she had ever seen. Popcorn and beers were still strewn across the coffee table, cushions on the couch placed as pillows on one side as if someone – or more than one someone – had been lounged across it.

But what was the most devastating was the sight of the movie playing on the TV screen. It was clear that Tony was having a movie night, a movie night with his new incredibly young and incredibly stunning girlfriend.

She shouldn't feel like this, shouldn't feel the mixture of anger and jealousy threatening to over boil and escape. Tony was free to date who he wanted, and to date them whichever way he wanted. She couldn't her feelings on the matter clear; forcing them away to the black hole inside her where she sent everything she didn't want to deal with. But one thought, one jealous and festering thought couldn't be pushed away quite so easily. Movie nights were _their_ thing.

It was an awkward silence whilst Tony realised what they were looking at. Had he seriously forgotten that his _guest _was behind him, though he had forgotten to mention her entire existence to them so she supposed it was plausible and if the look on Abby's face was anything to go by then Ziva didn't have to be the one to do the questioning. Abby did not like being kept in the dark, about anything and quite frankly right now she looked murderous.

"Erm guys this is"

"Hey there, I'm Catherine Lashley, but please call me Cath" _Cath_ abruptly cut him off as she took a stride forward her hand outstretched to shake hands "You must be some of the team Tony has told me all about you"

Tony just stood rubbing the back of his neck slightly awkwardly as everyone made their own introductions. Well Ziva and Abby made their introductions; McGee just lay on the floor groaning. Up close Cath looked no less like a model, with the well sculpted features and green eyes, in fact the more she studied her appearance it was apparent Cath looked very familiar, she just couldn't place her.

"You know about us?" Abby asked questioningly as she stared in turn at the hand she had just had shook, as if Cath had some form of contagious disease and Tony who at this point looked incredibly uncomfortable.

"Oh yeah, I've heard loads about you" Cath replied, clearly the girl was a bit of a half wit if her detection of awkward situations was anything to go by "unfortunately you won't have been able to hear much about me, I've been working alongside NCIS for a few weeks now finishing up a case, but it's been very need to know kind of thing, in fact the only reason Tony here knows is because he came strolling into Vance's office as if he owned the place." She said as she ran a hand through Tony's – who was now staring at her with a slightly awed expression on his face - hair, clearly personal space was not an issue with this girl either.

"Wait your Catherine Lashley? As in the unbelievably intelligent, leading twenty seven year old psychologist, agent and bestselling author?" Whatever dislike Abby had of Cath was clearly disappearing quickly, if the look on her face was anything to go by.

"You make me sound a lot better than I actually am but yeah that's me." So clearly the girl wasn't the blond bimbo she had initially labelled her as, but she still didn't like her, she still seemed a little off, as if she was hiding something.

"Oh my God, you don't know how excited I am to meet you; you're like a female James Bond"

"Yeah I have been told that once or twice" Cath said giving Tony an amused look as Abby came closer and closer to her.

"This still doesn't excuse you Tony for not telling us about her" at this Tony held up his hands clearly less tense about the whole thing than he had been moments before "But this is going to be so much fun"

Managing to get a word in before Abby went into one of her full scale excited rants, Tony tried to gain some order "Whoah there Abs plenty of time for that in the morning, right now though I think we should probably get McTequila tucked up on the couch for the night," At that McGee let out a loud groan, clearly the alcohol was now wearing off, the immunity to pain leaving with it, and considering the guy had fell to the floor multiple times in the last two hours, she had her predictions that he most definitely would feel it in the morning.

"Cath, will you change the sheets in the spare room for Zi and Abby, the room hasn't been used in a while" he said with a smirk on his face, it was fairly obvious that Cath had not been sleeping in _that _bed, for reasons Ziva was fairly positive of, though she didn't want to think about.

And that one sentence, out of everything, was enough to prove to Ziva what she had suspected all along. That despite the reasons Cath had for being in DC, Tony was most definitely smitten. Thoughts of Jeanne and missed chances plagued her mind, as she watched Abby and Cath rooting through the linen cupboard, Cath clearly knowing the apartment very well already and tears sprung to her eyes. Covering her face before making her excuses to a seemingly oblivious Tony who was now dragging McGee over to the couch, she practically sprinted to the bathroom, knowing she should at least compose herself before rejoining Abby. Even half sober and acting like a nine year old on a sugar rush, Abby could sense if she was upset from a mile away.

Sitting on the side of the bath, her head in her hands, she knew she should be happy for him, knew that this had been what she had wanted. Wanted them to move on, meet other people and she _did_ have Ray so why shouldn't Tony have someone? Someone who understood him and the job?

She tried to ignore the fact that once again the thought of it made her nauseous.

Rooting around in his cupboards for a spare toothbrush only seemed to make the situation worse. At one point the place would be stocked to bursting point with essentials for his endless line of 'one time' woman, really she should have disliked him having worthless one night stands more than this. But it was the now seriously lacking quantities of newly packaged toiletries in the cupboards and the sight of the extra toothbrush and female beauty products on the counter that really had her biting back the nausea. He was actually serious about this woman; he was getting serious and becoming more mature. And that scared her.

Her face scrubbed clean with Tony's soap and water – she hadn't wanted to use Cath's, knowing that she would have to smell like it for the rest of the night basically until she could get home to have a shower, which knowing Gibb's wouldn't be until next week. She slipped out of the bathroom, hoping to avoid confrontation with Tony and simply go to bed, to wake up a little more refreshed in the morning.

But of course luck was clearly not on her side tonight, as when she walked out of the door into the dim hallway, she walked straight into Tony's chest.

"I know I'm irresistible Zi but you can't be throwing yourself at me, take a number and wait like the rest of them" For once Ziva was glad that it was barely lit, in the past she had tripped walking down the corridor, blaming Tony for not properly furnishing his entire apartment, but right now as an unfamiliar blush crept up her neck to her cheeks she was glad that she wasn't only giving Tony more things to make fun of her for.

"Don't flatter yourself Tony" she replied as she placed a palm on his chest and pushed him away. Even after an entire day, he still smelt strongly of his aftershave, though it wasn't overpowering, no, the masculine smell of him if anything was enough to set off a chain reaction of feelings she wasn't willing to name, but she knew they flew at her with such an intensity that it made her dizzy.

"Hey that's no way to treat your host" she couldn't help but stare at his mouth as he spoke, his face edging ever closer to hers, the air in the room seemed to be a lot thicker all of a sudden. "Some people may even consider it an insult" his voice was no more than a whisper now as he took another step towards her.

"Yeah well your an idiot, so I don't have to worry about insulting you" she protested feebly, though she wasn't entirely why.

"Sounds like you had a pretty good night"

"It was ok" her back was practically pressed up the wall now.

"Yeah well I wish I could have been there" she could feel his breath across her face now, and it would be so easy to just grab his collar and pull him towards her and no, what was she thinking? She couldn't be thinking like that, she had to get away from him, now.

Neatly side stepping him she dared herself to look him directly in the eye "I don't think Cath would have been too pleased about that now would she? We wouldn't want to cancel your _movie night_ "she drew out slowly.

She watched his reaction as he registered what she had said, but before he had the chance to respond Cath came out of the room shutting the door behind her.

"Oh hey guys, I think Abby is asleep already, she seemed pretty out of it when I left her" she paused to give a throaty laugh, great she didn't even have an annoyingly high pitched cackle, was there any fault at all with this girl? "I left some of my pyjamas out for you, we look about the same size as me anyway, and one of Tony's hoodies, it can get pretty cold in there you know?"

She wanted to seriously wipe that smile of Cath's face right about now, and she didn't know why, the girl had been nothing but nice to her. But it was just the way she was _telling_ her about Tony's apartment, as if she had known him the longest, when quite clearly it was the other way around.

But all she responded with was a slightly high pitched "Thank you, I think I am going to go to bed as well, early morning no doubt, you know how it is." The babbling was out of character but if anyone brought it up in the morning then she could blame it on the alcohol.

After both Tony and Cath had said goodnight to her – even receiving a spontaneous hug and an "I'm so glad to have finally met you from Cath."She walked slightly downtrodden into the spare room, the last thing she heard as she shut the door was Tony sighing

"I think it's about time we went to bed too, it's been a long night"

"Sure, just try to keep to your side of the bed tonight"

"Just for that I'm not getting you a bottle of water from the fridge"

"Fine, I will just steal yours"

It was such a simple conversation, yet it served as further proof of how serious and comfortable Tony was with Cath, adding yet another weight to Ziva's already heavy heart.

Wrapping herself in Tony's hoody – which thankfully only had the scent of washing powder, she didn't know what would have been worse, if it had smelt of Tony or had it smelt of Cath's expensive perfume.

As she settled in bed next to Abby who snuggled up next to her in her sleep, she could hear Tony and Cath talking – though too quietly so that she could hear what they were saying - for a while before quiet settled around the apartment.

And all she could think of as she fell into a restless sleep was that movie night was there thing. It should have been her.

* * *

><p>As he returned to his room with a bottle of water in each hand, he could hear Ziva moving around in the spare room, clearly just as confused about the night's events as he had been. Nothing had happened, so why did his skin feel so prickly, and why when he looked in her eyes did he see the spark that he thought had disappeared a long time ago?<p>

And what had Cath been playing at tonight? He had been all set to introduce her as his sister, get it over and done with, but she had beaten him to it, coming up with some story about working a case, that was at least half true, she had been working a case but there was absolutely nothing 'need to know' about it, well he didn't think there was anyway.

The amused smirk that was on her face as she lay across his bed, said it all, she had had a game plan the entire time, and she was obviously pleased that he had went along with it.

"What" she asked, playing innocent.

"You know exactly what"

"I was nothing but nice to them Tony, they are all very friendly, especially Abby, I can actually see us being friends"

"More like the small matter you just _happened _to forget to mention we are in fact related"

"Oh did I? I didn't notice" she was grinning from ear to ear now, clearly not trying to hide it.

"Care to explain Catherine?" her grin to a glare at the use of her full name, Tony just raised an eyebrow, asking her to continue.

"Well I would get to know them a bit before dropping that particular bombshell" she paused briefly before continuing "That and seeing Ziva's reaction to her thinking I was your girlfriend was priceless" she laughed as she clambered under the duvet.

"Harsh Cath"

"Oh I don't mean it like that, she's obviously a very nice person once she gets to know you a bit, but its plainly obvious that she has feelings for you Tony, the way she was acting, and she looked as if she was ready to slam you up against a wall and have her wicked way with you when I walked into the hallway."

"I don't think so Cath" he replied as he too crawled under the covers flicking the bedside lamp off as he went. "But I suppose you know better" he added seeing the exasperated look on her face.

"Too right I do" she pouted. "We can discuss this more in the morning, well after I re introduce myself to McGee of course, he seems like a sweet guy" she said stifling a yawn.

"Yeah, don't be getting any ideas"

"As if, did you see the way Abby was looking at him? Wouldn't want to upset that particular goth if I'm honest"

"Yet you will take on Ziva?"

"I didn't say I _would _take her on, but she'd definitely more my size, and doesn't wear spiked platform boots for a start"

"Yeah I suppose you're right" but seeing that her eyes were now firmly shut and her breathing beginning to even out he simply whispered "Night Cath" before lying on his stomach his face turned towards her.

She reminded him of Ziva actually when she was asleep. They both had this incredibly fiery personality when they were awake, yet in sleep they took on this whole new innocence, that was refreshing to see, particularly in Ziva. He only hoped Ray fully noticed and appreciated this, Ziva was special. After all that she had been through she deserved someone who noticed the little things, the things that would make her smile rather than pull away like she had from him so many times in the past.

Yet as his eyes drifted shut, refusing to remain focused on Cath's sleeping form next to him in his bed, he had only thought. It should have been her.


	4. Chapter 4

The morning after the night before always brought forward some difficulties.

It was incredibly well known that DiNozzo's could hold their liquor, even though it began to falter slightly with age – proved only last week when Cath had quite literally drunken him under the table. It was fairly obvious from the first five minutes that she had inherited that _particular_ gene from their dad.

During his frat boy days, he could party till the early hours, practically drink himself unconscious sleep anywhere he fell - which usually ended up being some ones front garden – and then jump up the morning after ready for training looking as if he had spent the entire night asleep rather than causing chaos on the campus.

Nowadays he wasn't quite so wild. After damaging his knee and basketball career beyond repair he had blamed everything and everybody for it. He simply didn't know what to do with himself, basketball had been the only thing he had ever wanted to do the only thing he had ever been good at, it made sense to blame the world because when something meant that much to him it surely he was not the one at fault.

It wasn't until years later that he realised that his life style may have had something to do with it.

Sure he hadn't been unhealthy. He had always managed to maintain his weight and fitness. He didn't smoke or do drugs. But when he should have been working out and resting, he was out partying, partying and being unable to remember it in the morning. Who knew what strain he was putting on his body when he was too foolish to realise that it may have consequences.

Not so long ago his frat boy buddies had shown him a video they had found of him jumping off a shed roof trying to get into a pool. Needless to say he had missed the pool.

It was no wonder his knee had given out on him. In fact he was surprised it lasted as long as it had.

It was his fault that he had lost the only thing he had moderately given a damn about, and that was like a kick in the teeth. If only he had known that this pattern would continue well into his adult life.

After that particular realisation he decided things needed to change. And going out and not remembering the night before was most definitely one of those things, particularly when it came to waking up in bed with yet another woman whose name he couldn't remember if his life depended on it.

He _never _drunk to a point that he couldn't remember, so why were his recollection of last night's events so screwed up?

Surely half of the team hadn't shown up at his door last night looking for a place to stay because they couldn't get a cab.

He knew they had been out, but he must had imagined them actually showing up, the beer had been making him think about crazy things the entire night.

It wasn't the first time something like this had happened. He had woke up in the past having had such a vivid dream that it was difficult to distinguish between reality and his subconscious.

While his dreams had never been particularly sinister they were disturbing all the same. The ones that involved a very naked and very enthusiastic Ziva were bad enough – especially that one when Gibb's and McGee had showed up precisely at the climactic moment – but the dreams that were the most unsettling were where he dreamt of a future. A future of being married, with kids and a dog, the whole sha-bang, though it was _who_ he was married too that caused the worst controversy. Because truthfully how can you look your partner in the eye when you know that only the night before you were imagining your lives together, the furniture in the house you shared, and the two kids a girl and a boy that you had created.

It was pretty deep stuff for a guy that had severe commitment issues. Or a guy people _thought_ had commitment issues.

It wasn't until a few years ago that he began having nightmares.

Real nightmares, the type where you wake yourself up your shouting that much, the types where you wake up in a terrified sweat not knowing where you are, or anything that may contribute in stopping the frantic movement and terror in your eyes. All because this particular dream was so vivid you couldn't interpret what had actually happened and what had not.

It was pretty easy to guess what most of his nightmares were about.

Of course he had them about every member of the team, always being too late, always having to make the choice of saving one over the other, leaving and getting on that plane knowing things wouldn't end well and leaving without her. Of terrorists and desert cells, of Saleem losing patience before they had the chance to kill him, of watching her bleed out colour fading from her already pale skin, the light fading from her eyes as he sat bound to a chair and forced to watch.

He couldn't bear to imagine what it was like for her, or couldn't bear the thought of her, his hard ass ninja chick being that scared. It was crippling.

In that sense he was at least glad she had Ray – even if he wasn't there all that often - to assure her that she was safe, that she was home and would never be back there again.

How many times he got into his car in the middle of the night and drove to her apartment block just to make sure her car was still there, that her mat was outside the door he doesn't know.

He never went inside, just found something that symbolised her living existence that would tide him over till the morning when he would actually see her in the flesh. Pathetic he knew, but it stopped him going mad, stopped him from experiencing the blind panic he felt when he didn't know if they had been successful or not.

The nightmares were less frequent now; Cath had yet to experience or know about them, though he was sure if she continued staying over as much as she did that it wouldn't be long before she witnessed one.

Yes he had some slight issues with understanding the difference between real life and dreams but something tells him he wouldn't have thought up of this one on his own.

His memory was growing slightly less foggy though as the blanket of sleep shrugged off him, memories of McGee quite literally crashing through his door, the awkward moment of silence as the three of them spotted the blond woman sitting on his couch and of Cath introducing herself before Tony had the chance, though tactically not informing the team that they were in fact related.

In all honesty Tony wasn't sure how they hadn't seen it. Within their little threesome was two skilled investigators and a forensic scientist, even if they had had a little bit too much to drink, surely they saw how much he and Cath looked alike.

He himself was shocked when they first met, both of them working the operation Frankenstein case. He recognised that she was a pretty girl but he wasn't attracted to her in the slightest –that he was truly grateful for, though honestly he didn't go for the young and blond types anymore.

But something about her had instantly seemed off, not in the way he thought he couldn't trust her, but he felt like he already knew her, or had seen her face somewhere - which was close to impossible considering she never seemed to stay in one place for more than five minutes, never mind going for fancy meals and partying.

When he had introduced himself as Anthony DiNozzo, her eyes had been as wide as saucers as she sucked in a breath and desperately studied his face intentionally not meeting the green pupils of his own eyes.

She admitted later that she had been desperately doing the math of his age and her own age in her head, all while trying to keep her cool, which didn't exactly run as smoothly as she had hoped.

It turns out that after his own mother's death, Cath's mom had been one out of a long line of women who had been taken in by DiNozzo seniors charm as he tried to swallow his grief through the only way he knew how. One night stands and Booze.

After a certain business trip to LA, DiNozzo senior had left leaving a little bit more behind than just a broken deal.

He had been long gone before Julia Lashley discovered she was pregnant, but with only a name and knowing just how eager he had been to leave the morning after she had decided to not bother contacting him, deciding to raise her then only daughter on her own. She had went on to marry and have two more kids, giving Cath an amazing step dad , but Cath had always planned on finding her real dad. Not for a big mushy father daughter reunion like you see in the movies, but to quite readily inform him of the fact he had a daughter before proceeding to call him every name under the sun for getting her mom in that situation in the first place.

She had actually informed Tony of their relation before she contacted senior.

He really shouldn't have been so surprised, and he did still feel slightly guilty about the way he had recoiled the second she told him, particularly when she mentioned how nervous she had been.

He felt he had made up for it though as after he got over his initial shock he had gathered her in hug, and insisted that they tell _their_ – that still felt so weird to say – dad together.

Cath had quizzed him endlessly about what to expect, and while he was glad that she wasn't looking for a beautiful relationship with the guy -Tony had been known about his entire life and he still didn't have that sort of relationship with him – something put him off being brutally honest with her about what senior was _really_ like.

Call it the hopeless family man in him, but a small part of him still hoped that his dad would accept Cath, that he would appreciate the fact he had such a successful daughter as well as a son and be desperate to get to know her whilst begging for Tony's forgiveness and actually trying to mend his ways.

Needless to say it was nothing like that.

Senior had almost fell out of his chair when he it was announced that Cath was not Tony's girlfriend – it was actually a bit weird that everyone kept thinking that if he was honest – but was in fact his sister.

His face had turned a shade of purple that Tony had never even seen before, and for a moment he glanced at Cath wondering if the man was in fact choking on something. Then came the accusations.

So convinced that Cath wasn't his daughter and that she was making it up, he actually started to laugh, laughing to the point that tears were streaming down his face while the rest of the diners in the restaurant sat and stared with the same blank expression on their faces as Tony and Cath.

When he eventually stopped laughing, anger seemed to burst from every pore. If they thought he had been causing a scene before, it was nothing compared to this. Practically screaming in the faces of Cath and Tony, his denial of fathering either of them and that they were trying to steal _his _money was quite possibly the lowest he had ever sunk.

He had the right to be surprised, but to actually insult both of their mothers, his own late wife, was a completely new level of being an ass as Cath had so delicately put it later.

Tony didn't know how he felt about it only that his hatred for a father he had tried desperately to help over previous years had sky rocketed.

After Seniors furious rampage ran out of steam, he went to stomp out of the restaurant telling them they could pay the bill – not that he would have paid it anyways – but not before demanding a paternity test, though only from Cath – obviously remembering that he had been scrounging off Tony's health insurance for quite some time – to which Cath calmly replied "hope to hear from you soon, it's been nice meeting you" raising an eyebrow as she took a sip of her water. She most definitely had the whole smug bad ass thing down to perfection.

A few weeks later the results had came through. Tony knew he could have went to Abby for them, but he had really wanted to keep the whole thing on the down low, nothing like making it obvious that your dad was an arrogant twit like doing a paternity test in the NCIS lab. He may as well have hung a banner over the bull pen informing everyone.

Unsurprisingly the tests had in fact been positive. Even though he had never even met her his entire life, Tony was convinced that Cath was telling the truth and had no hidden agenda.

Not that he had expected it, but no apology or even an attempt to reconcile came from senior. Neither Tony nor Cath had seen him since that day in the restaurant.

It was a sad truth that their dad simply did not care, but it simply left the pair of them to build a relationship, to find out more about one another, and it worked out for the best anyway when Cath was asked to work yet another case in DC, though she decided to rent a place anyway she spent most of her time at Tony's and it didn't seem to concern her too much either. It was practically perfect.

It was almost perfect.

Even after settling into an easy going routine of juggling spending time with Cath and going to work, both of them having intense work commitments, Tony had felt like something was missing.

It wasn't until last night that he realised that that '_something_' was in fact a _someone. _

Seeing Ziva in his apartment again, walking round with such a familiarity set off something in him that he had thought he had buried a long time ago.

It was typical that the most distinctive memory of the previous night was Ziva standing close to him, the smell of her, that hadn't changed in all the time he had knew her, filling his senses with a dizzying intensity, the spark between them flickering dangerously brighter as they invaded each other's personal space.

He hadn't been playing dumb when he had denied what Cath had suggested that she had been jealous. Suspicious yes, slightly hurt maybe, but jealous?

The more he thought about it though, the more his resolve faltered and the faster his heart rate beat, though it already felt as if it was bouncing around his chest cavity.

The look on her face when she had pulled away, the look he had struggled to name out of pure fear of what it could mean, he knew now with upmost certainty she had felt the spark too. And if she had felt it, then what did that mean for her relationship with C-I-Ray? But more importantly what did that mean for them?

Hearing talking coming from the kitchen he glanced over to the empty side of the bed, which had obviously been straightened out. If nothing else Cath was a perfectionist, though why she had to wake up so damn early he truly couldn't understand. The only other person he knew who was up that early was Ziva. The woman stuck to her morning routine like it was law, he didn't think he had ever heard her once say she had just lay in bed for the day simply because she wanted too. Though then again, he didn't know that much about her these days.

He wondered if she stayed in bed all day cuddling with Ray. Then again he really didn't want to know.

He turned over with a stifled groan burying his face in a pillow as his brain finally caught up. Of course it was Ziva in the kitchen with Cath at this time, who else would it be? The pair had obviously been awake sat drinking his coffee for hours now, no doubt discussing all the stupid things he had ever done.

He wondered if could make it along the ledge outside his window and onto the fire escape? Because in all honesty he did not have the energy to face the emotionally draining rollercoaster that was a conversation with Ziva David, he missed the times when things were easy.

Sighing he picked himself up and began rooting through his draws, he knew they had the morning off, but that still didn't meant he was making himself more vulnerable by strolling out in his sweats and t-shirt. The slightly small jeans that hugged his ass didn't exactly hurt either though.

It was time to face the aftermath of the night before. Though he realised as he sauntered into his bathroom, it wouldn't be long until he had to face an entirely different type of aftermath altogether. And who knew how that one would turn out.

* * *

><p>Ziva had awoken earlier than she usually did.<p>

She had tossed and turned for hours before she had finally drifted off into a restless sleep, made worse by the fact Abby continually kicked her through the night, sleeping in a coffin clearly did not teach an awareness of personal space.

Personal space, why the hell had she not thought of this last night when she was practically pressed up against Tony and only made a half hearted attempt to move away?

There was absolutely nothing 'friendly' about it, they both knew it, it was practically a live re-enactment of their younger days when they would try to see who would crack first. Who would give in to the temptation and grab the other by the collar, pinning them against the wall and relieving that god awful tension that was strung so tightly between them.

He had either been far too stubborn or simply downright stupid. Though what did that say about her?

So why had they let themselves be drawn in again? They had managed to fight it for so long, putting it down as a lost cause, something that was part of their past and would remain there as long as they wanted to keep each other in their lives. Because when they got too close bad things happened. Even after a few months of knowing each other that was obvious. When they got to close they were either nearly killed, or someone else took the hit.

When they had been separated she had been unable to think of anyone but him, why he wasn't calling, how he was dealing with Jenny's death. She was driven to distraction with 'what if's' and wondering when they would be reunited. It was only after she was injured undercover that she decided that it had to end, her feelings could exist, and if she couldn't get rid of them they had to be locked away in the depths of her mind, isolated from matter.

Yet in one night, in not even mere minutes, the jerk had barrelled head first, making an incredibly large hole in the wall that surrounded her heart, and she knew now it wasn't long before it started falling away in chunks.

She couldn't allow it. She cared for Ray sure, but he hadn't even made it within spitting distance of the wall. If he died, she can't deny that she would be upset; she had enjoyed their time together in the beginning and would always look back on it fondly and with a smile. But if Tony were to be killed, well she honestly thinks it would destroy her, she couldn't imagine a life without him there even when they didn't have a one in the first place. That was why she couldn't allow anything between them, because if she couldn't fathom a reason to carry on without him when they were just friends, then how could she possibly survive after letting herself be close to him in the most intimate way possible.

The man was a mind-fuck no doubt about that.

With a sudden craving for a very large mug of coffee, she pulled on some clothes which Cath had left out for her the night before – why did she have to be so nice? – pulled a comb she found in the bathroom through her hair and headed to the kitchen.

At one point in her life she probably would have been able to hear Cath stealthily moving her way around the kitchen, from the spare room down the hall, though that skill was clearly absent this morning as she walked through the door and nearly walked straight into a very fresh faced and cheery Cath.

"Hey, good morning Ziva" she was clearly very much a morning person if the way she beamed directly at her whilst pulling mugs from the cupboard was anything to go by "You want coffee?"

"That would be nice, thank you" she replied, knowing that the smile she returned didn't quite meet her eyes.

"Stupid question really, though I always found Tea works better for hangovers. Though if I'm honest you don't even look as if you were drinking last night, lucky thing" she added babbling slightly as she poured coffee into two mugs. "I'm afraid I can't say the same thing for your friend McGee over there though" pointing to the couch where McGee still lay sprawled, though thankfully he had not threw up again.

"I prefer Tea too, Coffee sometimes just seems a little easier sometimes" she said taking the mug from Cath's hand as they both leaned against the counters.

"Yeah I know what you mean, Tony actually had a few tea bags in a box when I first started coming over, but then he didn't buy anymore, I don't know why, think it's about time me and him took a trip to the grocery store." Ok so that had been a slight lie, Cath knew _exactly_ why Tony had tea bags in his cupboard the reason was standing right in front of her. But Ziva didn't know that, and trying to analyse her reactions was just too tempting right now, it was for the greater good she convinced herself.

"I've never known Tony to drink it" Ziva shrugged, trying to maintain her poker face. They had been bought for her when she had demanded she went shopping with Tony, when time after time he didn't have anything in the fridge that she liked. The fact that Cath had used them, just made her feel irrationally angry for some reason, they were only tea bags for goodness sake. But it was the fact that Tony hadn't made a point of _saying_ that they were hers, even though she supposed they were in his apartment, and he had paid for them, but still, would it have been that hard to just tell the woman?

Cath was staring at her now, watching her facial expressions intently, she had forgotten that she was a psychologist, and she knew from personal experiences with them that they were always looking for something to analyse, and if Cath was as good as Abby had said she was, then she probably already knew exactly what Ziva was thinking and was planning to tell Tony as soon her back was turned.

The idea of her partner's new girlfriend knowing about her feelings for said partner didn't exactly fill her with joy, but there were some things she needed to know. Things she knew for certain she wouldn't get from Tony.

"So how did you and Tony meet?" she asked, trying to be casual while taking a sip of her coffee.

"We were both working a case" Cath replied "They needed a psychologist to come in to work with some of the more disturbing sides of it" she added.

"The Frankenstein case" it was a statement rather than a question, even those who remained outsiders on that case knew that it had been particularly troubling. The only reason they had gotten involved in the first place was because Tony had been shot, had he not been wearing a vest he no doubt would have been dead. It wasn't something she liked thinking about; especially when she considered that he should have had at least some form of back up. At least Cath hadn't been assigned to that part, if she had than Ziva thinks she would have her on the floor, beating her senseless asking why she didn't protect him better.

"Yeah that's the one" Cath replied twirling a spoon around her coffee "I'm guessing you know EJ, huh?" not bothering to make her dislike hidden.

At that Ziva laughed, give the girl her credit, she had good taste in people "Yes I do have the pleasure of knowing her; she was around quite a bit last year".

"I swear, that woman is the most unlikeable, untrustworthy, shifty character I have ever met, the woman is nuts!" she said raising her hands to emphasise her frustration "And Tony, he was the worst around her, fell for everything she said, not in that way" she added seeing Ziva's eyes widen at the thought of Tony being in love with EJ. Considering she was supposed to be a trained assassin she was easy to read, though there was something about her, in her face that she couldn't quite get. "She would tell him things that were quite obviously lies, and he would always choose to believe her, time after time, always giving her the benefit of the doubt."

"Unfortunately that is Tony. He is so willing to give second chances, to allow himself to be hurt" she swallowed pushing back the memories of her throwing him to the ground, a pulling a gun on him, when he had only ever done anything to help her.

"Must be nice to be like that"

"Yeah" she replied softly, smiling more genuinely this time. As much as she hated it, Cath was very difficult to dislike, and it wasn't as if she was playing any mind games with her. Or maybe she was, either way, Ziva felt at ease around her, the kind of ease she only had with one other person.

"So do are you seeing anyone at the moment Ziva?" Cath enquired, taking another gulp of her coffee. "Just it's difficult to find someone who understands such intense work commitments, trust me I should know" she continued as Ziva's head shot up at the fairly personal question.

"Yes I do know, and I am seeing someone at the moment, Ray, though sadly his work commitments mean he is not here much" she replied nodding her head enthusiastically, though her heart just wasn't in it.

"Serious?" Cath asked pretending she hadn't noticed the way the light in Ziva's eyes faded when she had changed the subject from Tony.

"I believe so, though a lot needs to be talked about"

"So talk about it?"

"It's not as simple as that" for some reason Ziva had the feeling that they were no longer discussing her relationship with Ray, but something else entirely, which made no sense at all. Surely she was imagining it; any ordinary girlfriend would most definitely not be encouraging _that _type of talk. What had Tony told her?

"Look Ziva, I barely know you, but I have seen a lot of people like you, a lot of agents that are fearless but are scared of the world because of the job. You can't pretend like your past didn't happen, your past and the people in it make you who you are, and lead you to the person you're supposed to be with. And yes the world is an ugly place, a place full of hurt pain and death, but you can't run from it, and being with that one person that makes your eyes light up and your chest flutter, well that makes it slightly more beautiful" she paused for a moment, looking at the shell shocked expression on Ziva's face "Nothing is simple, nothing is easy, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't fight for it, and settling for someone just because you're scared of getting hurt, well it's just stupid, because in the long term that is just going to hurt more."

Ziva couldn't form a coherent word, in the space of a minute, the girl had summarised everything she was scared of and why perfectly. But it hadn't lifted any weight in fact it had made her more terrified of what was to come and the inevitable decision she would have to make.

The air in the room had suddenly become a lot thicker.

She was about to open her mouth to try and laugh it off, when half of the problem came sauntering through the doors, running a hand through his hand through his hair, a habit he had had for all the time she had known him, even when his hair had began to recede slightly.

Not that that mattered to her of course. The man was insanely attractive. Incredibly tall and lean with those piercing eyes and chiselled jaw line. And his hands, god his hands, the number of fantasies that she had about them picking her up, making their way down her body, caressing her skin and travelling further to – damn she needed to stop this. The man had simply walked through the door and she was planning several different ways to peel him out of those jeans.

"Morning" Cath chirped rousing her from her thoughts "My god Tony, its nine in the morning and you're actually out of bed? Are you feeling alright?" she said as she poured coffee out for him the way he liked without even having to ask.

"Ha very funny, I will have you know I have a very strict exercise routine, that I follow every morning"

"Yeah I believe that. So how come I have never seen it?"

"Because I'm always back in bed before you even wake up"

Cath let out a very loud guffaw as she picked up her bag from the counter "Sure you are, might want to review that training schedule then, those pizzas certainly aren't being worked off." She laughed as she walked passed him to the doorway.

"You're mean, and you were the one who wanted pizza last night"

"I'm sorry" she grinned "You can choose what to have for dinner tonight, some sort of salad I presume?" she added as she leaned forward and pecked his cheek quickly from behind his shoulder. "Right I got to go, was nice meeting you Ziva" she waved from the doorway.

"You too, hopefully I will see you soon?"

"Of course, tell Abby and McGee I said bye too, not that McGee will remember me" the apartment was filled with her laugh once more before she the door slammed shut with a click.

In all the energy of Cath's departure Ziva had forgotten that this then left her and Tony alone in his kitchen. He turned round with an amused smile on his face before he moved to get something to eat from the fridge.

"You want anything?"

"I'm good Tony, thank you"

"You and Cath already been ransacking through my cupboards huh?"

"Only discussing the contents of them" she said trying to keep a straight face but laughed when she saw Tony's confused expression. "We were simply discussing the fact you have no tea"

"Really that's what girls talk about these days? It seemed a bit more exciting in my head" he replied dodging when Ziva threw a spoon at him "Hey, what was that for?" he laughed.

"For being a jerk"

"I don't really understand how I'm the jerk in this little scenario, the pair of you did take over my kitchen just now" his face straightened in what seemed to be contemplation "Anyways I did have tea, it was yours"

"Yeah, I heard Cath drank it" she replied, almost seething. She really needed to get some control on this jealousy thing about was 'hers'. First the movie night now tea, yes she was absolutely ridiculous.

"Well it's not as if you come round anymore is it?" out of all the answers she could have given, he had not expected that one, but he sure as hell wasn't going to let this conversation drop, it may just be catalyst for a conversation that had been brewing for quite some time now.

"You never invite me" she shot back.

"You both know that isn't true Ziva" he watched as she swallowed, clearly remembering the last time she had been invited over "and it's not as if you need an invite anyway".

"You know I can't Tony"

He knew that he was digging himself into a much deeper and painful hole hear but he honestly couldn't help himself "Why not? It's not as if Ray is ever around is it, and even then, we're friends, we have known each other for a long time Ziva, we've been through so much"

"That is the problem Tony" she whispered refusing to meet his eyes "We claim that we are friends, and on the surface that is true, but we tell each other nothing."

"Cath" he stated, the perfect example he could think of.

"Cath" she repeated not sure what else to say.

"What do you want to know?" he asked, not sure if he himself was yet ready to begin discussing feelings and the past while Abby and McHungover were sleeping in the next rooms. At least this would give her some answers, even if it meant he would look like the complete fool, explaining that she was in fact his sister. Knowing how explosive Ziva could be, this had to be handled incredibly delicately.

"She is very pretty" Ziva stated whilst twirling a lock of hair around her finger. Why did this have to be so hard, why couldn't they just talk things through and be done with it, like mature adults? But then she realised that the problem wasn't their lack of maturity but their excess amounts of it. They had both seen too much, suffered great tragedies and loss, that admitting weakness and fault simply did not come naturally to them.

"Yes she is" Tony agreed, trying desperately to think of a way to broach the subject.

Realising that she hadn't actually managed to ask Cath all the questions she would have liked, she decided to take advantage of the fact that Tony was being truthful and taking a deep breath asked "How long have you two been officially seeing each other?" Clearly news of the relationship had not reached EJ whilst they were working the case otherwise it would have been around the navy yard twice in this time.

"Yeah about that" Tony started but was cut off by the sound of Ziva's phone ringing, growing ever closer down the hall way, carried by a very rough looking Abby.

"Fancy answering this thing Ziva, it's been ringing none stop for fifteen minutes now, my head feels as if it's about to cave in" she said thrusting the device into Ziva's palm before staggering over to grab the pot of coffee.

Hoping to be able to just ignore the call before continuing her questioning of Tony, though slightly more subtle now Abby was in the room, she turned the phone over looking at the caller ID before pausing.

It had to be Ray, didn't it.


	5. Chapter 5

Seeing him avert his gaze back to the paperwork that was piled high on his desk, she allowed herself to steal a quick glance at his figure, shoulders tense, his brow furrowed as he hunched over his desk completing what appeared to be the longest case review she had ever seen.

They had been playing this game for nearly two days now. Ever since the – almost – conversation in the kitchen. After she had hung up the phone, Ray having announced that he would be returning this weekend, Tony had clearly wanted to keep discussing things. But she shut him off, mumbling something about needing to go pick something up, before practically sprinting from the apartment.

She was avoiding him and they both knew it. She kept their conversations strictly professional, never allowing herself to be left alone with him. Childish yes, but her thoughts were so scrambled right now that she couldn't bring herself to sort it out.

She knew she couldn't avoid it forever though. Things were awkward because _she_ was making it that way and she knew from their previous experiences that it would all eventually come to a – no doubt ugly – head.

But how was she supposed to discuss matters with him like a mature adult when she couldn't even admit to herself what she was feeling, and did she really want to have to define what it was exactly? Maybe she could just waver the conversation, until Ray left for work again, though who knew how long that would be, and no doubt Tony and Cath would be married by that point if the current state of the relationship was anything to go by.

Of course she may have felt differently had she been aware of the fact that Tony too was facing a great deal of inner turmoil.

He had been trying desperately to think of a way to tell her about Cath, to make sure she understood, before she went and flew off the handle and did something stupid. But he still hadn't got the chance, if the way she mysteriously disappeared every time they were alone continued, he doubt he ever would.

Sighing as he popped his knuckles, he spun round on his chair, and stood as if he had somewhere to be. She glanced up again, this time meeting his eye. But instead of dropping her gaze like any normal person would she continued looking directly at him, as if she was challenging herself not to be the one to give in this time. .

He opened his mouth to say something, but left it hanging, gaping like a fish, suddenly very aware of their current location and how Ziva might react if anyone overheard that they 'needed to talk'.

Still she stared directly at him, not breaking eye contact, and damn if she wasn't the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. That's when you knew that Tony DiNozzo was serious about a girl, when he described her as beautiful, hot and gorgeous could only get you so far, but beautiful. Beautiful meant so much more than just the physical appearance, beautiful was being stunning inside and out and being the person that literally lit up the room when they walked in.

The only other person he ever called beautiful was Cath, and for obvious reasons was meant in a purely platonic way.

Ziva didn't know how much time had passed that they had been staring at each other, surely McGee must have noticed by now. It felt like they were in their own little bubble, untouchable and unbreakable, and if that is the feelings she had when she was simply looking into his eyes, she couldn't imagine how things would be if she were to be kissing him, or to make love to him, or to simply be able to hold him whenever she wanted. It seemed like a dream world, yet it was so close she could almost touch it.

"Gear up, we have a dead marine" the bubble was abruptly burst as Gibb's came strolling into the bull pen, coffee in one hand, picking up his back pack with the other. "Not you DiNozzo, Vance wants you in MTAC".

"What for boss?" he questioned as he placed his gun back into his desk.

"Does it look like I have an idea?"

"No boss, sorry boss" he called as Gibb's headed to the elevator, clearly not in a good mood today, he was almost glad to have been summoned by Vance, almost. "Well have fun probies" he added as he headed for the stairs. Only to be pulled back by Ziva's firm grip around his arm.

"We need to talk Tony" she said quietly, looking towards the railing rather than at his face, she wasn't getting sucked into that one again.

"Yeah, yeah we do" he agreed though he didn't have a clue what they would talk about "Maybe our next break? Go for coffee or something"

She nodded as she released her grip on his arm; he gave her a small smile as they she turned away to catch up with McGee.

Letting out an exasperated breath as he watched her walk away, he leant his arm against the wall. God she was exhausting, he wondered if Vance would be cool with him taking a quick very special agent nap before he showed up, better yet he wondered if he would mind if Tony didn't show up at all.

Deciding that despite his dislike of the man, he would prefer to keep his job, Tony began climbing the stairs to MTAC, glancing at the bull pen as he went, it always looked so strange when it was empty, like a jigsaw puzzle with a missing piece.

He couldn't begin to imagine what it would look like with an entirely different team in it, or more specifically a different agent sitting at his desk, working alongside his team.

He probably should have got up and flew the nest years ago, but that was half the problem, the team were his family, his security net when anything went wrong, the thought of being replaced by someone else just wasn't conceivable to him.

Knocking on the door of MTAC, he really hoped that this was going to a cut and dry sort of meeting. A performance review that couldn't wait, information about a case that hadn't been officially documented, he hated MTAC.

To him, the room went against every instinct he had. To be sitting in a room behind a headset and screen, whilst giving orders to agents on the ground, was one of the toughest and challenging jobs he had ever had the displeasure of doing. To him MTAC was a place where you were unable to watch your co workers back, to see them play cat and mouse with a bunch of criminals, see them lose, then having to remain composed and complete the mission.

He hated this room.

Which was why he was surprised to say the least when he walked in to find Cath standing chatting to animatedly to Vance. She clearly didn't have an idea of authority, or maybe she just knew how valuable she was, and that she would have to do something pretty damn stupid to lose her job.

She looked up as she saw him come through the door, she beamed flashing her teeth at him, before crossing her arms and adjusting her position towards him, she was a professional if nothing else. He wouldn't be seeing _her_ sprinting across the room to full body hug him.

"Agent DiNozzo thank you for joining us" Vance's voice rang out through the near empty room, apart from the three of them, the only other person in the room was the computer analyst, who remained firmly seated in his chair, typing away at some coding that Tony supposed was related to the case. "I presume you would like to know what this is about."

"Yeah if I'm honest" he nodded, watching Cath's eyes widen at the casual tone he had just taken with the director, she may get away with it, but he most certainly would not.

Vance however, never one for wasting time continued regardless "Two months ago, we received reports of a known terrorist group operating around the LA area. A team of six agents was initially set up to enquire into the claim" images of the agents popped up on the screen, though to Tony's knowledge the kid at the computer hadn't stopped typing since he got there. "Agents Paul Timmons, Sabrina Hindman and Victoria Crampton are currently in the hospital in critical condition, after getting caught in crossfire" Vance watched as Tony swallowed, taking in the faces on the screen before beginning to speak again. "Agents Steve Nazario, Olivia Fortney, and Nathan Kimber were off the grid, until this morning when Fortney and Nazario were found dead on the side of a road. Kimber is still missing."

Tony nodded as he took in the information, staring at the faces of the agents who would never make it back, the job claiming two more victims "Is there any reason that they would keep Kimber alive?"

"We believe so" Cath chipped in before Vance had an opportunity to reply "We don't know for definite that the three were taken for any other reason than they were interfering with 'their work' however Kimber has proved to have an extensive knowledge of bombs, particularly nuclear. That was why he was chosen to assist on the case." She added quietly.

"Surely if these guys are terrorists they already have a pretty good idea about how to make a bomb?" Tony countered.

"They do, but Timmons knows more, additionally he knows confidential information and what exactly the standard of bomb disposal agents are trained too. We fear that they may be using him to establish an attack that we won't be prepared for"

"Ok, so what does this have to do with me?"

"We are asking for your assistance on the case, alongside Dr Lashley and a group of agents from LA, we understand that it's a particularly dangerous mission"

"Callen's team?" Tony was on good terms with both him and his team, and they seemed trustworthy enough, not that he would tell any of them that. Aside from Deek's, he thought they all looked ready to kick his ass half the time, though he would definitely trust them to have his back in sticky situations.

"Unfortunately not, though Agent Callen and his team will be serving as back up, and you will work the case from their HQ under the guidance of Miss Lange" Vance stated tonelessly, not seeing Cath rolling her eyes behind his back.

Smirking at Cath's obvious impatience to move this along "Ah Hetty, she is one lady I most certainly wouldn't cross."

"We understand if you don't want to do it Tony, It will no doubt be a long and dangerous case, if something is keeping you here then we can find someone else" Cath clearly wasn't aware of how unsubtle she was at that moment. Though truthfully he didn't know what his decision would be.

He knew the reason he had been asked was because he didn't have any immediate responsibilities here, his work was the only major factor in his life. Other agents would have been crossed out of consideration instantly if they had families; it was a dangerous and huge case, that could affect not only them but the people they cared about too, making Tony a perfect candidate.

His father was out of the picture so much many people barely knew he existed, his only sister would be actually joining him on the case, and all the people he cared about would be a long way away in Washington and were highly trained operatives, anyone who came in shooting distance would be promptly dealt with.

So what was holding him back? On the surface he had nothing to lose.

But that was just it, because he did have something. Something that had no name, that the two people involved point blank refused to talk about. But it was there and they both knew it. He would give it his all if she let him, but she had to meet him half way.

"Is it ok, if I take some time to think about it?" He asked breaking the strange silence that swallowed the already claustrophobic room. "I just need to talk to a few people before I make any big decisions, particularly involving something that will likely kill me."

"Of course Agent DiNozzo" Vance nodded firmly, though was there a hint of an almost knowing smile playing around his lips, it was too dark to tell. Vance knew exactly why he wasn't snapping up the offer, the case was a massive career boost after all, but he found playing blissfully ignorant often worked better. "Take to the end of the day; tomorrow morning at the latest, you will be leaving tomorrow, if you do decide to take it" he began to head for the door before looking towards both Tony and Cath "Agent DiNozzo, Dr Lashley" he addressed both of them before continuing his way out of the door, the computer analyst following him as if he were a dog.

Tony turned to face Cath an amused smirk on his face "Just when I think the guy is relatively normal, he goes all Mr Darcy on me, all formal and mysterious"

"Pride and prejudice. Really Tony? I bet you haven't even read the books"

"I saw the film"

"Why does that not surprise me? Please tell me it was the Colin Firth version"

"Never fear, I do have a thing for the originals"

Cath went slightly quiet at that, looking towards the ground "You're not taking this case Tony" she stated determinedly though faltering slightly. In truth she hated these types of cases, and having her brother there just might make it a bit more bearable, but that still didn't mean she wanted him on it. She had seen the reports, and the images of Steve Nazario and Olivia Fortney's mutilated bodies. Whoever these guys were they didn't mess around.

"I don't see why I shouldn't Cath. It's not as if I have anything keeping me here is it?"

"That's a lie and we both know it"

"Don't even go their Cath, there is nothing between us, and she is with Ray, as I have repeatedly told you the past few days"

"No you have repeatedly spouted the same lie over the past few days there is a difference!" she said raising her voice slightly, seriously the man could make a saint swear "Honestly Anthony open your eyes, she is crazy about you, you both just need to sit it out and talk like adults, and stop letting some slick haired guy cockblock you from thousands of miles away"

"Did you just say cockblock?" he sniggered, until she punched him in the arm, pretty hard as well for someone her size.

"Be serious Tony, you have to tell her"

"It isn't as simple as that"

"So you would prefer to not tell her, watch her go off and get married, while you go off on a case that will no doubt get you shot"

"I'm not going to get shot"

"You don't know that, and stop changing the subject" though her features softened slightly as she took in the pout he currently had on his face. "Don't pout, you're not a child"

"I'm not pouting"

"Yes you are, now stop arguing with me" she sighed "Just promise me you will actually talk to her before you go making big decisions".

"Ok I promise"

"Good boy" she smiled again "want to go for coffee and donuts at that little shop you like? My treat"

"Sounds good to me" he said as they began walking out of MTAC and down the stairs, he smiled as she linked her arm through his, and rested her head on his shoulder. "People are going to talk if you do that" he said bustling her slighting as they stood waiting for the elevator.

"Let them, not as if you could really have all this, is it?" she mumbled.

At that he laughed and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, no one had ever accused her of having no self confidence that was for sure. But what amused him the most was the fact that they both knew fine well, that even if she hadn't been his sister, there was only one person he would have been going for. And he was perfectly fine with that.

* * *

><p>The case hadn't been particularly difficult, it was your average murdered marine found dumped near a river, but with all the emotions circling Ziva's head she hadn't been able to concentrate for more than ten seconds at a time.<p>

Gibb's must have noticed if the look of concern on his face was anything to go by, though she was surprised he didn't already know why she was so zoned out, if he had then she doesn't think he would have been too pleased.

She absently snapped photos of the crime scene, and it wasn't until McGee pointed out that she had taken a photograph of the same thing three times that she bothered to pay more attention, she still had a job to do even with her crazy muddle of a social life.

She had no idea what she was supposed to do, Ray was due back tomorrow for she didn't know how long and she had still yet to talk to Tony who no doubt would shake off the conversation for a bit longer to do the paperwork that Vance had likely given him.

Her instinct was screaming at her to run, to carry on hiding from it as if it didn't exist. But they needed to sort things between them, even if it was to put things to rest, so they could finally just move on and live their lives.

Returning to the bullpen for her always seemed like coming home.

Seeing the familiarities, the flag on her desk, the plasma screen, the photos pinned on the board behind her. She had never been one to become attached to places, or even objects. But this was the first place that had really spoke to her when she was the liaison officer, at first it was the connection to home, that her near empty apartment did not have. But in time it grew to be the birth place of her extended family, the family that she trusted with her life and the family that had made her into the woman she was today.

She knew when anything was out of place practically as soon as the elevator doors opened, and as she stepped out, the sky light hurting her eyes in contrast to the dimly lit elevator, the first thing she noticed was that Tony was not at his desk. Surely he wasn't still in MTAC? Vance was currently standing at the top of the stairs speaking with his assistant, so he must have been finished speaking with him, which reminded her that she was desperate to find out what he had wanted him for.

No what was most out of place was the tall dark haired man, currently standing in the centre of the bull pen, facing away from them. Ray.

He turned as he heard them approach, opening his arms wide, expecting her to run into them. What did he think she was? Some three year old? He was obviously choosing to ignore the fact she hated any public affection unless it was from Abby.

"Hey Zi" he said as he embraced her.

"Ray, what are you doing here?" she said through gritted teeth, there were only a handful of people allowed to call her that, and he was most definitely not one of them.

Pulling apart he looked down at her face, his eyes meeting hers, though unlike the other set of eyes she had met this morning, she couldn't read what was behind them, and there was most certainly not a spark or bubble in any form that surrounded the pair of them. He could have been a complete stranger.

"I got on an earlier plane to surprise you, I know it's only a day, but it's an extra day than what we had right?"

"Yeah of course" she replied trying desperately to sound more excited than she felt. Surely this was not normal, she should be absolutely bouncing off the walls about the fact her boyfriend, who she had not seen in weeks had came home. But she just couldn't do it, couldn't force herself to feel things that she didn't, the spark just wasn't there, and if she was honest it never had been.

That was why Ray was safe. He was a good guy and treated her well, a part from the disappearing act he kept pulling. But when he was gone she didn't positively ache to see him, didn't lie in bed wondering where he was or if he was thinking of her. If something happened to him, she wouldn't shatter into a million pieces and not have a reason to carry on.

He was just a good guy that she happened to like spending time with. She suddenly felt incredibly guilty at the way she was using him, but he failed to notice the forced expression on her face. He turned his attention instead to Gibb's.

"Mind if I steal Ziva here for half an hour so, agent Gibb's?" he questioned, clearly feeling like he shouldn't have to ask at all "I promise to return her in one piece" he said with a smile on his face, he may have meant it innocently – well as innocently as you could take it – but the statement made her skin crawl, resulting in her full body shivering.

Ray didn't notice despite having his arm around her, just continued to look at Gibb's with a fake smile on his face.

"Don't take too long. We're already a man down" Gibb's nodded his acceptance as he fixed her with a knowing stare, or maybe she was just imagining things at this point.

Ray was off steering her towards the elevator, before she even had the chance to grab her phone out of her bag.

"Ray, I just need to get my phone, in case they need me" she started

"You don't need it babe" he cut in quickly, tightening his hold on her "Just take a while But she held her tongue. to relax, your far too absorbed by the job". That was pretty rich coming from him, who simply showed up every now and then before disappearing for months at a time, wherever _his_ job told him to be.

"How long are you here for?" she asked as she stabbed the button, a little harder than necessary.

"Trying to get rid of me already?" he laughed, she couldn't help but wanting to punch him.

Ok so she was now dead certain that this was strange feelings for a woman who had not seen her boyfriend in months to be having, particularly when she had only been in his company for five minutes. But she couldn't help it, he was so laid back about everything, and he by turning up early he had actually complicated matter further, she couldn't see her and Tony talking till after Christmas at this rate.

Was this really going to be what her life was like from now on? Waiting around for Ray to show up, hating his company when he was here and thinking of Tony none stop? She couldn't go on like this and she knew it.

"No, I would just like a little warning that is all" she sighed.

"I know things haven't been easy, but I should be around for a few weeks or so before they assign me again, so let's just enjoy it"

"I do not understand why you do not just quit, or ask to be taken off the overseas cases" she said shuffling as the elevator came to a halt.

"You know how it is though Ziva, breaking free from the job, just look at you at Mossad"

"You didn't know me when I was in Mossad" she said her voice devoid of any emotion.

To actually use her past against her wasn't the worse part; at least some of Cath's advice to embrace her mistakes had filtered through. But the fact she had told him so little and he had no idea about the struggle that she had had to break free from Mossad, the heartache and betrayal at being shunned by her own country and what was left of her family simply because she wanted to be independent, the near six year battle of finding herself inside that empty shell of a heartless person.

He didn't know any of it. And he sure as hell wasn't going to use it against her.

"Don't be like that Ziva, look they are likely to start giving me more time off now anyway, they know I have a reason to stay at home now" he added with a wink "hey why don't we head over to the beach house next weekend? You can take a couple of days off work, just me you and south beach?"

They were outside by this point, heading towards the coffee cart that stood there all year round, though she hardly ever bothered to stop there. Gibb's could be particularly picky when he wanted to be, and anything that didn't half meet the standard of his diner coffee, well just didn't stand a chance.

"I don't know Ray, I mean-"

"Hey is that Tony over there" Ray cut her off; though she realised he hadn't really been listening to her in the first place.

Looking up though, her own train of thought instantly wavered off. She couldn't decide to kick herself for being so stupid, or to bash her head repeatedly off the wall.

Pulling up in an incredibly flashy BMW convertible was none other than Tony DiNozzo and the _lovely _Cath.

So that is where he had been, not in MTAC or doing something for Vance but driving around Washington with his stunning girlfriend. The spiteful part of her couldn't help but think he was meant to be saving that break for her, though then again she was currently sat taking hers with a guy who barely listened to a word she said.

She couldn't believe that she had actually thought, they needed to talk about things. If the way the pair of Cath and him were laughing and joking, their arms linked through the others, were anything to go by, Tony had clearly already made his choice.

Though really what choice had to be made exactly? They had a past, a painful one at that, a one that never got discussed but resulted in them being fiercely protective of one another. Of course they would be feeling like this before they got ready to take the next step, to finally grow up.

Maybe if she kept repeating it to herself she would actually believe it.

"Yeah it is" she practically whispered, not trusting her own voice, who was she kidding? The hatred she felt for anyone who became remotely close to him, wasn't from a sisterly affection that just wanted him to be safe, it was so much more.

Never before had she regretted her choices quite so much. All things happen for a reason? Well huh she must have done something pretty terrible in a past life for this to be her fate, though then again the things she had done in this life was easily enough to cover that.

Despite wanting to blame Tony for all of this, for moving on, for finding someone who wasn't her, she knew that this was her fault.

She had been the one that pushed him away, she had been the one who hadn't given him the slightest hint that she was interested, taking advantage of the fact that she thought he would always be there. But of course it wouldn't work out like that, and she should have known that eventually he would get tired of waiting.

God she hadn't exactly made it easy for him the past few months. Continually talking about Ray and where he was taking her.

The heartache she felt seeing Tony with Cath was her fault, and her fault alone.

"So how about it?" Ray said snapping her out of her thoughts as she watched Tony and Cath disappear from view.

"How about what?" she replied a little dopily.

"Miami, you know the thing we were talking about only a minute ago"

She noted the impatience in his tone, but the need to cause him bodily harm was a little less now, she was completely deflated, but she supposed if Tony was getting on with his life then she should too.

"Sounds great" she said plastering a fake smile across her face as she took a sip of her coffee.

"See there's that smile I love so much" Ray grinned back, leaning back in his chair.

She didn't think he would love it so much if he actually understood what was going on behind it, though she doubted he ever would so hopefully she wouldn't have a problem.

* * *

><p>He had spent an hour with Cath, just driving round, talking and drinking coffee, he knew he had a while until the team came back and in his own personal opinion taking an hour out of his work day would make up for a slight fraction of the overtime he had been putting in lately. Though if Gibb's asked, he had been working over a cold case.<p>

He had thought over and over about Vance's offer, Cath fixing him with stern glances every time he considered just calling up Vance there and then.

She practically demanded that he talk to Ziva first, repeatedly telling him that he had to get over himself and just talk to her. Easy for her to say, this being the girl who can talk to complete strangers and have them open up to her in about five minutes flat.

He doesn't think Cath has ever been so determined in pushing two people together before.

She had appointments booked all afternoon, and had strolled away before he had the chance to make any plans with her. Clearly she was anticipating that this conversation would go well.

He wasn't holding out much hope.

His hope diminished further when he strolled back into the bull pen to find Ziva missing from her desk; though upon further inspection he noticed her bag which had been flung to the side.

"If you're looking for Ziva she isn't here" McGee piped up from behind his desk.

"Ok, so where is she then?"

"Ray came back early, took her for coffee about twenty minutes ago" McGee replied, turning his attention back to his computer screen, pretending to have not noticed the way Tony's face fell when had heard that, though he definitely would be informing Abby.

"Oh ok, cool" Tony said in a strangled slightly high pitched voice, god even to his ears it sounded forced.

"You alright Tony?"

"Yeah I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" he managed to lie easily this time, there was just something about Ray and the way he continually swept in precisely before he and Ziva were about to work things out, like he could sense it or something.

"Never mind" he paused before as if he was deciding whether or not to say something else, but in the end his inability to deal with a possibly irritable Tony won and he turned back to his computer desk.

Tony sat at heavily at his desk and made a point of typing away at his key board checking his email. At least it looked like he was doing something worthwhile.

Ok so Ziva was with Ray. Nothing new there, he was her boyfriend after all.

Of course this complicated things slightly. As no doubt she would return all loved up and not want to have the heavy type of conversation that they were long overdue. Well she would just have to suck it up, they were going to talk, and they were going to talk today.

Another twenty minutes had passed before the familiar ding of the elevator sounded, and Ziva stomped across to the bull pen throwing herself into her seat, before hitting multiple buttons on her keyboard trying to turn her computer on.

Tony didn't even have to look at McGee to know he would be cringing right now after he had spent so long fixing her keyboard the _last_ _time _she had taken her anger out on it.

Now forgive him if he was wrong, but surely she should be in a _good _mood after spending her coffee break with Mr Ski trips and beach houses. Yet here she was muttering in Hebrew under her breath and shooting furious glances in his direction, still not having said a word since she sat down.

Perhaps it wasn't his most intelligent idea to try and communicate her when she looked ready to unleash her ninja skills at any given moment. But of course he went running in head first like the idiot he was.

"Ziva" her head shot up, her eyes narrowed meeting his as if challenging him to put her in a worse mood "Are you ok?"

At that she let out a hysterical peel of laughter – if she looked like an escapee from the psyche ward before, well that was nothing compared to now – before replying through gritted teeth "Of course I am Tony, why would I be otherwise?"

"Just you're giving the mouse a bit of a hard time there" he said jokingly though regretted it immediately the way she instantly stopped all movement, her eyes darting to a stapler that sat conveniently on the corner of her desk "Or not" he added quickly, trying to defuse a now very volatile Ziva.

"Give it a sleep Tony" she said, all of the anger seemingly sagging out of her body, before she stood, kicked her chair under the desk and took off for the restrooms, nearly knocking over a group of interns in her wake.

Tony stared blankly at her retreating figure for a moment before standing, crossing his fingers that she hadn't picked up her gun and made to head after her.

"I wouldn't be trying to correct her right now Tony" McGee called, still cowering behind his computer screen, or did it just look that way from where he was standing? What McGee had just witnessed was an incredibly downplayed version of an angry Ziva, God help him if he ever had to face her full blown wrath.

"Do you think I'm stupid probie? In the absence of our fearless leader, as senior field agent it is my job to make sure she is ok, and not doing anything stupid, like shooting up a load of probies such as your dear self." At that McGee nodded.

Satisfied that he had bought himself at least fifteen minutes Tony turned once again but not before McGee spoke up again.

"Hey Tony, maybe don't call Ziva a probie while you are in there, neither me or her are probies anymore really"

"Yeah I know Tim" he called over his shoulder before mumbling quietly to himself "I know."

* * *

><p>He didn't really make a habit out of going into the woman's restrooms often.<p>

The shower rooms, sure. Though he didn't even go in there so much anymore given the creeps he got as a consequence of his activities in them last year.

Usually Ziva was the one to follow _him, _rather than the other way around. But it seemed like a day of firsts after all, Ziva returning from a date without a blow by blow description of how amazing it had been was one major change for a start.

Glancing up and down the stretch of corridor, he assured himself that the coast was clear, not for any other agents or someone who might assume something untoward at the sight of a male agent going into the female restrooms, but to check for Gibb's. He would most certainly not be as easy to distract as the still slightly gullible McGee.

Walking into the room, he couldn't help think that this was a near mirror image of the talk they had nearly three years ago. When they had put it off so long, worried how it may affect the thing they wanted so badly – which back then had simply had been to be on the same team again – yet it had turned out much better than either of them had hoped, both of them returning to work as if nothing had ever happened. Though maybe that was the reason for the issues they were currently having. Seriously could nothing ever go right for them?

On a positive note at least Ziva was not in an exposed position as he had been.

Instead she was leant over the sink splashing water on her face, not even bothering to look up when she heard him come in and twist the lock on the door – an angry Ziva could clear a room in seconds – of course she had known he would follow her.

She had still hoped he wouldn't, she just couldn't be dealing with this right now. But in true Tony style, he surged forward, some things just never changed.

"We need to talk" she stood up slowly at that, trying to maintain her calm.

Swallowing as her dark brown eyes met his in the mirror she reached over blindly for a paper towel to wipe her face with "I do not think that there is anything to discuss Tony."

So that was how she was going to play it? Make him look like the stupid one, while she pretended not to have a clue what he was talking about, well that most certainly was not happening today "To hell there's not Ziva, you said it yourself we needed to talk"

"Ok then what is there to talk about?" she raised her voice slightly as she turned to face him, her back leant against the counter, her hands gripping the sides.

He let out a strangled laugh "Where would you like me to start Ziva? Should we start small, from the beginning, like when you suddenly stopped wanting to do stuff together? Or maybe when Jenny died, you know when I got the entire team split up and we didn't speak to each other for months? Or maybe we should just go right in with the whole Michael thing; yeah nice guy wasn't he, even if you kept him hidden for months while he killed two people and then tried to kill me."

Her expression was beginning to harden, the whites of her knuckles now quite visible as she gripped the counter so hard. "Do not even go there Tony, you know fine well that those things I did too protect you"

"Did you really Ziva because you sure had a funny way of showing how much I meant to you, when you threw me to the ground and aimed your gun at me"

She made to open her mouth to say something, anything to that but nothing came. In truth she _had _done that to protect him, if he hated her then he wouldn't come looking for her, but of course the stubborn bastard did anyways. In fact he didn't even come looking for her, he thought she was dead, yet put everything he had into finding her killer, even if it resulted in his own death as well.

"Oh and there's Somalia. Ah that was an interesting summer wasn't it. You know when everyone believed you were dead, and it felt like my entire existence had no meaning." He took a breath at that, his anger momentarily subsiding at the memory of having lost her, it being his fault and having had her leave her beloved extended family on account of her hating him. "Have you any idea what that is like? To think that you were dead thanks to me, to have to face the team every single day, to see them struggle with your death that only happened because of the choices I made?"

He could see tears now gathering at the corners of her eyes, he had only seen Ziva cry a handful of times, and they certainly hadn't been down to him. Though at this precise moment he thought it was more than likely that she was trying so hard to restrain herself from murdering him, that the pain of it was simply unbearable, she had barely moved a muscle since they had started talking.

He was about to start speaking again when she cut him off, her tone quiet and controlled, too controlled. "You think it was easy for me? To leave Gibb's, Tim, Abby, Ducky and even Palmer behind thinking I was some sort of traitor? Have you ever spared a thought to what things would have been like had I stayed, you were lucky once Tony, you managed to escape Michael relatively unscathed, but what about the next time? When yet another person from my past caught up and put you in danger?" she was practically shaking now, all the emotions from the past seven years finally pouring out.

"Ziva"

"No Tony" she shook her before continuing "Have you ever thought about what it would have been like for me, _had _Michael been successful, had someone got to you? How could you expect me to just continue living my life, to have to look Abby and everyone in the eye, them knowing it was my fault that you, someone they all had loved so much was gone? I had to make you all hate me, hate me to the point that the decision would be easy, that they would choose you over me, and that you would be safe, protected from me and everything I brought with it."

"That wasn't your decision to make Ziva"

"And yet I made it" she said now pacing from side to side, it was beginning to make her slightly disoriented, but it was better than the alternative than looking Tony directly in the eye. If anything could break her, those green eyes of his were most definitely it. "But of course, you chose to put yourself in more danger, by going after _my_ _killer_" she drew out the last part as if it was acid on her tongue.

"What did you expect me to do Ziva? Just sit around and let him get away with it? It's just as well we did go after him considering it turned into a rescue mission"

"It was a suicide mission" she burst, launching forward and prodding a finger into his chest "Pure idiocy, you put not only yourself but McGee as well in danger, for what? For me, for a person who had put you through hell, who had abandoned you, who you believed to be dead" she couldn't help but notice the parallels between the conversation they had had that day compared to now, same questions, but in a totally different context. "Why did you do it Tony?" her voice was barely a whisper now, staring him down, waiting for an answer that wasn't influenced by truth serum or by the blistering heat of the sun and the dehydration that came as a result.

"I think that's fairly obvious at this point, don't you"

"Tony" she paused briefly, noticing how close they were now, their chests practically touching, having to tilt their heads to maintain eye contact. "Why did you do it?"

"Because- because I couldn't live with the fact I was the one who drove you away, couldn't function knowing whatever messed up thing we had was over and that I would never see you again, couldn't face getting up in the morning knowing that it wouldn't be your face that was sat opposite me. Hell I would drink myself unconscious just so that I could momentarily stop thinking about you, but it didn't work, because asleep or awake you just completely took over my mind, It hadn't even been two months, and I had already crashed and burned."

He stopped moving an arm to rub the back of his neck, seeing Ziva still looking at him intently though he knew he would have to continue "I couldn't live without you I guess" he shrugged, watching the small smirk that appeared of her face, it was small but it was there. "And I also guess that I kind of love you, and that I would do it again in a heartbeat if I had too."

The conflicting emotions that were on her face at that moment looked l like a cross between the end of a Disney movie and a child that had been told they couldn't have any more candy. It was kind of sweet, in an awkward and vaguely uncomfortable sort of way.

Though now that he thought about it, even though she had been stood blinking at him for a good thirty seconds now, there was nothing uncomfortable or even remotely awkward about the silence that now surrounded them. Maybe it was because secretly, or deep down somewhere inside, she had always known, though he had his bets on that this had been such a long time coming he was past caring if she felt the same or not, if she did great, if not, well he could quite happily go on with his life knowing that she was alive, well and most of all had everything she ever wanted.

"Love?" she asked, the wide eyed expression refusing to budge from her features "Love as in, present tense?"

In all honesty it shouldn't have shocked her so much, it wasn't exactly breaking news that they were protective of one another, that they cared for each other immensely and that they would pretty much do anything for one another. But for him to just come out and say it, not caring about the effects it might have , and for once she didn't care either, for at least one of them to have said it, for it to be out in the open, was unreal. And god if she didn't love him so damn much, she would have let this happen years ago, but she just had to be noble didn't she? She had to be the one to protect him and to protect herself from getting hurt.

"Love as in present, though also past and future" he craned his neck back further as he saw what he said register with her "You've always been special to me Zee-vah, I just want you to be happy. And if that means you moving to Miami and popping out a bunch of C-I-Ray assassins then so be it"

Ray. She had completely forgotten about him. Ray _and _Cath how could she have been so stupid to have been pulled in by all of it, even if it had made her realise one thing Ray was certainly not the guy she was supposed to end up with. He was great sure, but would she be truly happy with him? Hell no. But Tony had seemed pretty happy with Cath of late, despite his heartfelt declarations of love, what sort of game was he playing? Get Ziva to open up before bringing her world crashing down and stomping on the remains. She made to pull away from him, but he caught her hand, stopping her from pacing back any further than about two steps.

"Hold up there, we aren't quite finished yet"

"Just don't Tony" her voice was beginning to grow angry again, she twisted her arm from his grasp but didn't make a move to step further away again.

"Oh yeah I about forgot the lovely _Ray_ " he said, the vein in his neck beginning to stand on the surface of his skin, was it seriously weird that that simply made her want him more? She was watching his lips now, the way he ran his tongue over them before he spoke, the way they moved almost sensually even when he was angry and yelling at her. Why did he have to be so attractive when she was trying to be mad at him?

Clearly Tony wasn't as affected by her as she was with him. "Yeah, the guy you flaunt in my face for months, though just about how great he is, about he's taking you on all these wonderful little trips yet tell me nothing about him just to add insult to injury. I'm not just some sort of shoulder to cry on when you feel like it Ziva, yet every single time I come running, you seriously can't have me believe that until now you didn't realise _why_ I do. And hell what I have heard, the guy is a complete jerk, all he does is bring you down, like today for example when you came storming back into the bull pen following your little middle of the day date with him. God Ziva for the guy your planning to spend the rest of your life with, it isn't exactly starting so well is it?"

"You seriously think that is what I want? To spend my life, never knowing where he was or what he was doing and only half caring about the fact anyway? Yes he treats me nice, and no he does not irritate me to the point that I feel like hitting my head against the wall, but there is nothing there Tony, nothing at all, but that is safe and if that is how things have to be then so be it"

"Things don't have to be that way though Ziva" his voice was considerably quiet in comparison to her own, it seemed fitting though, she always had been the explosive one, with him being the only one that could talk her down.

"I don't see any other way; you are very fascinated with _Cath_, at the moment are you not?"

Had he not been frustrated to the point of actually shaking some sense into Ziva, Tony actually would have laughed. In truth this entire time, the thought of mentioning the whole sibling thing hadn't even crossed his mind, even though it would have seriously defused the whole shouting or screaming thing, or possibly made it worse, either way he was about to find out.

"Ziva, there is really something you should know about Cath"

"Not now Tony, I really don't want to hear it right now" Was the man dropped on his head as an infant? Or did he just enjoy having multiple awkward conversations in the space of about ten minutes?

"No Ziva, you have it all wrong, Cath is my _sister_. As in we are related" he added seeing as she didn't respond right away, all he could hope for at this point is that she didn't hate him. "I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn't find the right time you know?" he could feel himself starting to babble as she refused to look up, her eyes focused on the ground, clearly trying to work out for herself if what he was saying was true.

He understood then that keeping it from her had been one of the most petty and spiteful things he had ever done. He could play dumb as much as he wanted, pretending he wasn't the slightest bit aware of their feelings for each other, but of course he knew, just like she did. He had wanted to play her at her own game, not telling her anything about his private life due to her not telling him anything about hers – god that was a mouthful if he did say so himself – and he had won. So why did he feel so bad about it.

Ziva on the other hand didn't know whether to knock him out, or kiss him so hard that he passed out anyway. Slightly sadistic but that was how she was feeling.

_Of course_ Cath was his sister. Not that he would be unable to get a girl who looked like her, but the resemblance between the two of them was uncanny. That was why she looked so familiar when they had first met, you weren't able to tell so much when she was in work clothes or from far away but when she had been standing in his living room wearing his hoody and joggers, well you would have been blind not to have noticed that they were related.

In her case she had been so blinded by jealousy that she had failed to see what was right in front of her eyes, and she had been so bitchy about Cath as well. Now she really felt bad.

"She's your sister?" she asked, though it was more of a statement than a question.

"Yeah, well half sister, still has a very 'The Parent Trap' esque don't you think?"

"Shut up" she said this time raising her face, her eyes searching his, as they scanned vertically from his eyes to his lips.

"What?" If she didn't do something soon he seriously thought he might scream from frustration.

She extended her arm placing a finger on his lips, her voice a little breathy "Just for once in your life, please be quiet" she said before grabbing a fistful of his shirt and closing the distance between them.

It was like fireworks were going off in her brain; she had wanted to keep things slow, to maintain at least the slightest bit of professionalism considering they were currently at work, but as soon as those soft yet firm lips of his met hers she couldn't hold it back anymore, it was fierce, aggressive, years of pent up tension and want being poured into a single kiss.

The barely broke apart for air when their mouths smashed back onto each others, his tongue sweeping into her mouth, duelling with her own, the sound making its way from the back of her throat sounding nothing like her own. But how was any of this the norm?

Her hands ran up his chest and clutched as whatever she could, as he backed her against the counter, wrapping his arms around her and lifting her onto the counter allowing one of his hands to return to her hair as the other cradled her jaw possessively. He was the one in control and for once she didn't care, was simply in awe that this was actually happening.

He himself couldn't believe it any more than she could. For so many years he had dreamt of this, of finally being able to kiss her again, to feel the spark that surged between them as their mouths tangled, he wasn't ever likely to forget those far few kisses they shared undercover, because that had been when he had been sure what he felt for her was long past lust, because _that_ sort of spark _that _sort of electricity only came from that certain person that you were meant to be with.

And damn if the little moans she was making into his mouth, as his hips rocked against hers weren't going to be his undoing then he didn't know what was.

She couldn't breathe, and she didn't care. How could she when every kiss and touch of her skin against his, left her greedily chasing for more, left her wanting nothing else but the feel and the smell of him, everyday for the rest of her life.

And that was the thing that began to pull her from the thick haze that fogged her mind, even as his lips began to trace a path down the column of her throat, sucking on her pulse point as her skin erupted in gooseflesh. Her fingers laced through his hair keeping him there while she angled her head to bare more of her neck to him.

She had to stop this, but how could she when her own body wanted it so badly, when she wanted it so badly.

She was scared, no terrified that she would lose him, and had convinced herself for so long, that if she let herself love him, actually defined whatever it was that was going on between them, that he would be taken from her. That he would give up on them, or that he would be killed by one of her enemies, and now that they had defined it well that just proved her point further.

She could feel herself becoming addicted to him, and not just being around him, no this was so much more intimate, so deliciously good that thinking of anything but how her breathy gasps filled the room, his mouth making its way back up her throat as his hands stroked the smooth skin of her stomach under her shirt, was near on impossible.

But somehow she managed to tear her mouth away from his, staring him directly in the eyes, her legs still wrapped around him as they both tried to catch their breath.

"We shouldn't have let that happen" she said with a sudden amount of urgency, unhooking her legs, and making a –though slightly unsteady – break for the door.

"Ziva" Tony started reaching out for her, though she moved out of his arm length too quickly, leaving them standing staring at each other from across the room, he couldn't believe that she was trying to run now.

"I- We shouldn't have let that happen Tony" she repeated.

"Yeah, maybe not" he agreed, well if she wanted to run he was at least not going to let her think it was her idea, he could at least preserve a small amount of dignity. Though he though pointing out at this point it had been _her_ that had kissed _him_ first, would be slightly counterproductive.

He watched as she ran he fingers over her lips, her eyes still not leaving his face, she looked so incredibly innocent at that point he could help but want to gather her in his arms and hug her so tight as if he would never let go. The emotional state she was in though meant he would probably lose an arm, so maybe the hugging thing wasn't such a great idea.

She was backing up toward the door now, still looking incredibly startled though less confused "I- I have to go, I have to –have to see Ray." She said with an air of finality about it. Tony simply raised a hand in farewell as he leaned against the wall, shutting his eyes tight against the bright over light.

He heard the click of the lock, and the swish of the door, and then she was gone.

Slumping down the wall his head in his hands as he tried to calm his racing blood rate, he didn't think he had ever met a woman more confusing or madly infuriating or even a one he had wanted quite as much as the lovely Ziva David.

She was messing with his head worse than ever, and something had to change.

He knew what he had to do.

Pulling out his cell from his pocket and scrolling through his contacts, he placed his phone to his ear as he was placed on hold multiple times, before the familiar monotone voice gave his greeting down the phone.

Tony paused, considering if this choice was self destructive or in fact the best choice for the state of his head right now, he continued regardless of his certainty "Director Vance? It's Agent DiNozzo, I've made my decision regarding the LA case."

* * *

><p><em>Quite honestly this chapter absolutely killed me. Severe writers block and being absolutely ill for a number of days left me with a very limited imagination for this one, so I hope it was ok, particularly the whole Tony and Ziva talk, its so difficult to keep them in character when they are discussing things that I personally don't think they are ready to talk about yet, someday sure, but with a lot of time and a lot of development. Anyway hope you enjoy the chapter, I actually have two ideas about where i want to go next with this, so will wait and see what wins out in my muddled up little mind - usually happens when I'm out riding of all places - and see what gets typed up in the next few days...<em>


	6. Chapter 6

Sleep was obviously not going to happen for her tonight.

She had lay awake for hours, running over and over the conversation in her head, trying to desperately make sense of what she was feeling.

He had kissed her. Well technically she had kissed him – oh god she can't believe she did that – but he had kissed her back. Kissed her back with the sort of frenzied passion that she hadn't even been able to imagine before, her fingers moved to once again tracing the lines of her lips, even though the feel and taste of him had disappeared hours ago.

How wrong she had been, believing that the kisses they had shared that one time undercover was all he had to offer, oh they were amazing too, but how could she even comprehend just how good it could be.

Because the kisses from this afternoon, well they were nothing short of perfection.

The way his lips had moved against hers, bruising and firm, making it quite clear just how much he was enjoying it too. The type of pressure that made her want to gasp for air, yet found the need to keep their lips connected over ruled the need to draw oxygen into her lungs. Yet he ensured it remained tender at the same time, as his hands threaded through her hair, showing her just how much she meant to him.

The way his tongue tangled with her own, creating an explosion of sparks that she swears sent shocks ricocheting around her body, every nerve ending tingling with lust and anticipation, which had only further intensified as he gently bit her lip, before soothing it, and working his way down her neck, sucking and nibbling, before blowing cold air on the trail he had left.

It was like being on a high she never wanted to come down from, she was simply incapable of thought, all she knew was she wanted more of him, wanted it to continue for every second of the rest of her life. Anything but this would be boring in comparison.

Hours later the memories of him were still so vividly engrained into her head, that when she closed her eyes she could almost fool herself that he was there. That she hadn't run from him, and they had returned to his apartment, fell into bed together, and actually fully faced the thing that was between them. And god, if he made her feel the way she did, just by kissing her, then she didn't want to think of how making love to him would compare. And she wasn't just thinking of his insanely talented mouth.

To actually be as close as they physically could to one another. To have his hands roam her body as he moved in and around her, to have his scent, to have_ him_, in her bed, laced into the threading of her sheets for days to come, remembering every time she breathed in the scent, just how good they had been together, and how good they would be again and again and again.

Because Tony DiNozzo is one craving she would most definitely be unable to resist, and falling asleep their bodies wrapped around one another, pressed together so incredibly tight, sounded like something her dreams were made of.

It all sounded so intimate and _normal, _even in herown thoughts yet she was perfectly comfortable with it, the thought of spending her days wrapped in his embrace, being able to touch him when she pleased was incomprehensible, yet she couldn't stop herself from wanting it so badly, it felt as if her heart was being tore down, with unfulfilled lust and need, all directed at the man she had swore to herself that she wouldn't love.

Because she realised then, this was so much more than just lust, she wanted so much more with him than just a partner relationship. She had wanted it for such a long time now; it was like an ache that she had tried to ignore, which had all so suddenly turned into a painful throb.

Even when they had just been kissing, even when keeping their lips connected had seemed like the most important thing, she had pressed forward. Wanting his body as close to hers as possible. Unable to keep her hands still, her nails had dug into his back through his suit jacket, bringing his chest into contact with hers. She needed him there, needed the contact, needed to be able to smell his cologne, to feel their two bodies pressed together.

She wanted him so badly it hurt. But he wasn't here.

Instead Ray lay sprawled across a side of her bed, taking up more room than he needed, lying flat on his stomach, his face turned away from her as she leaned back against the head board. Realising not for the first time tonight, that something had to be done about her _current _relationship before she began planning her life in another.

But she couldn't help it.

She had managed to convince Ray to put off their dinner plans for another night, claiming she felt unwell, and didn't want to spoil the evening. She probably should have felt guilty when he was nothing but sympathetic, promising that they could just stay in and go out another night, that they had all the time in the world.

She knew they didn't

Because when he had leant down and pressed his lips to hers, she couldn't help making comparisons. The spark just wasn't there. His mouth against hers felt so wrong, the wrong shape, suppleness, taste, _everything_ was just off about it. She didn't feel the urgent need to press herself against him, to wrap her hands round the back of his neck and pull him back to her. She didn't want more, and didn't greedily kiss him back with all she had; she simply leant back and claimed once again that she didn't feel well.

She most definitely didn't lose sleep, remembering just how good it had been.

The entire night he had been nothing but a gentleman, fixing her light food, offering her the choice of the television. He seemed to fully believe in her mystery illness, or he did until he attempted to pull her closer.

Ziva had never been the 'cuddly' type, sure she was with Tali, who would often sneak into her bedroom and snuggle under the covers with her when she was scared. But never had she been a cuddler with men, it placed you at too much of a disadvantage; it just felt wrong to her. However Ray most definitely was, and the few times he had been around, she had humoured him, just to keep him happy.

This time though was different. When he slung his arm around her shoulders, instead of reluctantly leaning into him and eventually softening like she usually would, Ziva remained stiff. Not feeling right being so close to him, and of all things, felt like she was betraying Tony slightly by doing it.

Eventually she had pulled back, mumbling something about feeling too claustrophobic if he did that, and that she would probably throw up. But the look on his face told her everything she needed to know, he was suspicious, already he was catching onto her little act. Great.

They had headed to bed shortly after, and he thought better of slinging an arm over her and pulling her close to him. Instead there were simple whispered good nights, before they each turned over and tried to drift off into sleep. Sleep being a failure on her part.

Realising that she wasn't going to get anywhere with her head in the state it was, and feeling more and more suffocated by the darkness of the room, she stealthily clambered out of bed, and pulled on her running clothes, careful not to wake Ray. She didn't think he would believe her fake illness quite so much then.

The cold Washington air hit her lungs harder than she expected, breathing deeply she set off running. Noting her quiet surroundings, it shouldn't surprise her really, it was the middle of the night after all, but it still made her a little cautious when things were this quiet.

She could never just enjoy the peace.

She hadn't bothered picking up her mp3 player before she left the apartment – though she doubted she would have listened to it anyway – so she was once again alone with her thoughts.

Essentially she was the only thing blocking her own happiness.

Tony had made it quite clear how he felt about her, and had said himself that he simply wanted what she wanted. Or wanted her to be happy with whatever choice she made.

Could Tony make her happy? Usually she would be sceptical about this sort of thing, but for some reason, she knew with the upmost certainty that he would.

She could see herself with still with him in ten, twenty, thirty years, still arguing over her driving, him still correcting her idioms and still having movie nights like teenagers. In fact the thought of _not _having him there, not being able to still enjoy all these things with him after the job was done made her feel slightly nauseous.

But it was the clarity that she could see the rest of her future with him that scared her.

She could see the house with the garden, the children running around and the macaroni pictures stuck on the fridge. She could see them going to their kids school plays, and watching them go off to college like it was her own personal movie in her head. A boy and a girl maybe, each with sandy brown hair and green eyes like their dad, the boy was older of course, and would be teaching his little sister all the ways to be naughty without being caught while protecting her from school bullies and boys that got a bit too friendly. Not that she would need protecting, she would be the girl that was a real beauty yet was as tough as nails, having everyone including her parents wrapped around her little finger.

She could see her and Tony getting married, maybe just something simple with the team, neither of them were ever ones for extravagance, and no doubt Tony would want to invite an ex that he swears wasn't interested in him anymore.

She could see them, growing old together, retiring and just enjoying each other's company – when they weren't driving one another up the wall that was – and just being themselves with each other until the end of their days.

So what was the problem?

There was work, and that pesky rule number twelve, though if she was honest with herself, she truly did not believe that Gibb's would purposely split the team up just because Tony and Ziva were together. The man knew _everything _anyway, had been one of the few who had watched the way the pair had danced around each other for years, had seen them push and pull seeing who would snap first.

She knew that Gibb's loved them as if they were his own kids, and that he was only looking out for their safety, but it was their lives and their choices, therefore she refused to allow work to be a factor. Neither of them would want to be cut off from the team or alienate themselves from Gibb's, but if there was no other way, then that would be a risk she would quite willingly take.

Then there was their past. God did they have a lot of it, and only time would tell if they would ever fully come to terms with their previous experiences. But as far as she concerned not being together because of their past was like trying to empty the sink while the tap was still running. It was only going to continue to build. Sure talking about wouldn't be easy, but they would get through it, they had never done anything to purposely hurt one another, it had always been to protect them. So yeah, it may be an issue at first, but she had allowed her past to rule her judgement for so long that it almost seemed refreshing to decide to do something she wanted, just because she wanted to, not because of the effects of her past.

Of course there were their current relationships. Ok so _her _current relationship. Though she still wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel about Cath being his sister.

In one sense she felt betrayed, betrayed that he hadn't told her. Not only in the weeks before they crashed through his apartment door, but he hadn't brought it up again for days afterwards. The bitter side of her wanted to think he had done it purposely and wanted to make him suffer for the turmoil he had put her through, and for making her look like a first class bitch in front of Cath.

But deep down, she knew that by keeping it to himself he was just protecting himself emotionally. He always just assumed the women in his life would leave him. His mother, Kate, Paula, Jeanne, Jenny and even herself, all had abandoned him in one way or another. You couldn't blame him for simply expecting to happen. So she did understand why he wouldn't have shouted about his new sibling whilst pinning banners around the bull pen. He was just making Cath wasn't planning on abandoning him the second his back was turned.

And Cath was so nice as well. It wasn't as if Ziva had ever really disliked her personally though, she had simply disliked the fact she had seemed so perfect for Tony, she_ still_ was perfect for him actually, it wasn't as if she had suddenly disappeared the second the truth had came out. But Ziva considered being related as cheating; of course they were going to be similar, even if they hadn't grown up together. You only had to look at the similarities between Tony and his Father.

No she most definitely liked Cath, she resolved as she took a break from her run on a bench. In fact she could actually see them developing a friendship. It might be nice actually, to have someone aside from Abby to confide in; as long as Cath promised not to do the whole psyche analysis thing on her they shouldn't have a problem.

That then left Ray.

Ray. The guy who was currently asleep in her bed in her apartment, the guy who had been nothing but nice to her, the guy she was supposed to be discussing a future with, the guy she was supposed to be madly in love with. Except she wasn't, and she didn't ever think she would be.

She simply couldn't force herself to love someone.

She had tried and tried again. Willing herself to forget about a certain co worker, to fall in love with men she was allowed to date, allowed to have a life with. It had failed every time, give the DiNozzo's credit, they certainly knew how to wriggle under your skin and stay there for good. Abby was positively besotted with Cath, it was clear where Cath had received her charm genes from for sure.

Yes this would hurt him; he would likely be angry and try to persuade her otherwise. But her mind had been made up, though she had to admit to herself that the decision had been taken from her a long time ago.

Ray deserved someone who could love him with their whole heart, he deserved to be in a coupling where there were sparks and fireworks simply by a finger touch, he was a good guy and any girl would be lucky to have him.

Just not this girl.

Ray didn't love her; he was just in love with the idea of being in love. She couldn't help but wonder if the fact he wanted a family and the whole white picket fence house dream so badly was clouding his judgement. She would probably suggest that to him, that if he actually slowed down, and took a while to look for someone when it wasn't his 'week' off work, who wasn't lounging on South Beach, then maybe, he would have better luck.

Then again though she might not, it sort of depended on how he took things when she broke it off with him.

Feeling a great deal lighter than she had when she had first left the apartment, she began to turn back. She had lost track of how many miles she had ran, how much time she had wasted pounding the pavements, looking for answers in the dead of night.

There was only one more thing to deal with, though if she was honest it didn't seem quite as scary as it had seemed in the past. And that was how _they_ actually felt about one another. Or how they would feel about each other in the long term anyway

They had denied it for so long, never allowing feelings to come to the surface, continually fighting the attraction between them. It was exhausting, and she was tired of playing these games with him, but what happened if the second they were together it fizzled out? If the anticipation of actually giving in was all they had. Could the pair of them seriously live the rest of their lives together, _without_ killing each other first?

Could she even get out of this now without making a fool of herself or had her actions in the bathroom crossed out any hope of that?

Tony had made his feelings pretty clear, had quite literally lay all his cards on the table. He wanted her. He had made his move, now it was her chance.

It wasn't as if she didn't believe what he had said.

No matter what he too would always be special to her, she knew that he was a person she would always have a connection with, the man who had snuck his way into her heart, helping her settle into a new country and eventually had been the driving force in her acquiring her American citizenship. No she would most certainly never forget him, as long as she lived, she simply couldn't.

Nor could she imagine life without him.

And that was the hardest part of this whole damn mess. She had tried to move on and had failed, miserably. And just the thought of him with another woman made her skin crawl and a scalding jealousy to start tearing round her bloodstream, an intense hatred already brewing for this nonexistent woman.

A nonexistent woman who would take Ziva's place, who would be the one he grew old with, the one he had children with, sharing movie nights as a family watching silly cartoons as the kids weren't old enough to watch the classics.

Someone who would be able to touch him, kiss him when they wanted. Though she seriously doubted anything would compare to the spark she and Tony shared, she knew if she was to try and move on, he would try to do the same. Simply so that she didn't feel her was looming over her constantly, that was just the type of guy he was.

They both could be happy, though history of previous failed relationships meant they probably wouldn't find someone until they were seventy.

Could she let that happen?

No. She couldn't. That was her, _their _dream, and she sure as hell wasn't going to stand by idly while someone else took it from her.

Couldn't live with or without him? Well she hadn't even tried living _with_ him yet, and seeing as without was just not an option, she didn't see why they shouldn't give it their best shot.

No one and she meant no one was allowed to have him but her.

"I love him" she whispered to herself coming to a halt, a few metres away from her apartment block. It wasn't so much of a realisation as much as finally putting a name to something you had pondered over for hours. In her case it had been years.

"I love him" she repeated a little louder this time, a beaming smile breaking out across her face.

God did it feel good to say it. It felt like a weight had been lifted, a window opened in a stuffy room, a good five layers of darkness taken from the veil around her heart.

She would always have darkness in her, as he would. Forever she would be haunted by the cruelties of her childhood and adult world, but to actually be in love with someone. Someone who you loved with such a fiery passion knowing that they returned it with the same burning strength was incomprehensible to her.

She had never realised that until today, loving someone simply didn't register in comparison to being in love with someone who was quite literally your other half, someone who was your soul mate, who understood and could read you like the back of their hand, someone you would give your life for without a second thought and who you trusted with your entire being.

She wished she had admitted it to herself before now, because falling in love with Tony DiNozzo had been the best thing that had ever happened to her.

The movie quoting, smart ass, charming, slightly idiotic man had totally consumed her heart, she was his and he was hers. It was as simple as that, and always had been, they had just been too stubborn to acknowledge it.

She turned back to look out on the street, wondering where he was right now, and whether he would be up for breakfast this morning, it was a Saturday after all they most definitely had some things to discuss, maybe the discussion would go on for the entire weekend. Who knew?

The panic that usually appeared before she made life altering choices was absent as she reached the door of her apartment building, turning to look at the lightening sky, the sun just awakening on a new day. A day that was full of promise.

She had never been surer of anything in her life. All the denial and excuses she had been spouting for what seemed to be the entire time she had knew him, she had simply been kidding herself, because something that made her feel this good, well it was obvious it was meant to be.

She smiled as she turned away once more, digging her key out her pocket and heading for the stairs.

She was making her move.

* * *

><p>Humming as she let herself into her apartment, kicking her sneakers off her feet, her senses suddenly kicked into high alert as she noticed someone sitting on her couch.<p>

She froze as she reached for her gun behind her back, which obviously wasn't there following her run, and her knife was still tucked into the inside of her running shorts. It wasn't until she heard a familiar voice ring through her apartment that she sighed in relief.

In the midst of her loved up thoughts and plans for the future with Tony, she had forgotten about her _current _boyfriend, who was still asleep in her apartment, or was supposed to be asleep.

"Ziva" Ray called as he leant over to the turn the table side lamp on; it was still slightly dark in the room with the curtains still drawn. "Where have you been?" his tone was accusing, and almost angry. What she wasn't allowed to leave her _own_ apartment? Fair enough she left to plan how to break up with him and whether she should fall into the arms of another man. She had decided on the latter, but the whole breaking up part had flew out of the window, looks like she would be doing this freestyle.

"I went out for a run, I do every morning"

"Not at half three in the morning you don't" Clearly Ray wasn't as heavy a sleeper as she thought, though it wasn't as if he had tried to stop her either.

"How would you know, you're never even here"

"Don't tell me that is what this is about Ziva?" His tone had obviously intended to be soft and sympathetic instead it sounded slightly forced and belittling. Almost like the tone you would take with a slightly dim child. Had he always been this patronizing? Or was this a new thing he was trying out.

"No it is not" she agreed, sighing before slumping down into an armchair opposite him.

"Care to enlighten me to what this _is_ about then?" he drew out each syllable, as if she couldn't understand what he was saying.

She scowled at him, lifting her face from her hands to see a smug smile plastered on his face as he leant back on the couch. "I am not a child Ray"

"Well you're certainly acting like one, sneaking out of the house at all hours when you're supposed to be _sick_" his voice was becoming angrier now "What the hell is going on Ziva?"

"I can't do this" she said quietly, barely loud enough for him to hear. But it wasn't that she was scared to break it off with him, it was the fact she couldn't even begin to muster any level of emotion for the man. Well any level of emotion that didn't involve her breaking his nose.

"No we are most definitely talking about this Ziva, you can't run away from this like you do everything else" he snapped, making to lean over to grab her arm.

She pulled her arm back, staring him directly in the eyes "I am not running away, in fact I am trying something new where I actually make _my own_ choices." She paused though she wasn't entirely sure why, she was almost as sure of wanting to end this as her feeling for Tony. She shook her head, brushing the thoughts of him to the back of her mind, she could never simply stop thinking about him, but she didn't want those particular thoughts to be associated with this. "Which is why Ray" she drew out his name slowly seeing him watching her intently "I am getting out of this relationship, before you make any more choices for me"

She smiled sweetly at him before standing up, making to walk past him; she should have known that that one sentence would not simply be the end of things.

"You're actually kidding me right? You're seriously going to throw all of this away, for no other reason than you want to _make your own choices_" he mimicked her voice as she tried to free her arm from his grip, he eventually released his grip, but not before leaving slight red marks where his fingers had been.

"Yes I am" she nodded, holding her chin up, trying to maintain her ground and stand up to him as solidly as possible. He was not a great deal taller than her, but she still had to stand on her toes to look him in the eye. And in this particular situation that was slightly overpowering.

"You know I'm probably your last chance right" he laughed bitterly "The whole, marriage and children dream you have? You realise you would be taking quite a long shot to assume you will find someone else who would understand just how messed up you are."

Blinking rapidly at him, she expected some form of sadness to come over her, for the lump to begin to form in her throat, but nothing came. Only a blazing white hot anger overtook her body, an anger that didn't ask for violence, but simply wanted this cocky son of a bitch put in his place before he was sent packing from her apartment and from her life.

"I think I will take my chances" she snapped back at him, a small smile playing round her lips, knowing fine well her own chances were considerably better than his.

A momentary look of confusion washed over Ray's face his eyebrows furrowed, his eyes darting from side to side, studying her own before realisation dawned on him. "It's him isn't it?" he spat, though the anger in his eyes was replaced by something else. Acceptance or shock, maybe? No it was more like a twisted triumph, as if he had just won a bet with himself.

"You will have to be more specific than that" she answered back, unable to resist taunting him slightly, the guy was an ass. Clearly he had always been the one to do the breaking up, rather than the other way around. He certainly had never lost out on someone to another man, that much was clear in his slightly dazed stance and the way he was rubbing his jaw.

"You know exactly who I mean Ziva don't try and play the fool." He waited smiling slightly, almost as if he himself couldn't believe it. "The lovely Agent DiNozzo. Well I wish I could say I wasn't surprised." His voice was growing increasingly high pitched, verging on hysterical as he moved to walk around the room, seemingly unable to keep his still for more than a second. "You know, I knew, I knew the second you told me about him"

He laughed half heartedly; as he picked up the framed photo she had of the team from the coffee table. The photo had been taken at one of Gibb's barbeques last year by a neighbour who just so happened to have stuck her head over the wall. Gibb's and Ducky had been stood at the barbeque discussing something about golf in the highlands, Palmer, McGee and Abby had been sat around the table, Abby's legs draped across McGee's lap, as Palmer animatedly talked about his then proposal plans, and Tony and Ziva had stood to the side, separate from the rest of them, aiming a basketball at the hoop on the side of the fence, that he swears he couldn't ever remember seeing before at Gibb's place, though of course he would be delighted to offer Ziva advice on her free throws, if she wanted it or not.

It had been one of those perfect summer afternoons, that only happen every once in a while, the type that had been planned last minute, yet turned out to be one of the times everyone would look back on and say remember when. So when Mrs Just call be Sandra had popped her head over and offered to take a quick snap, everyone – even Gibb's – had smiled at the camera. Everyone remaining in their same position, aside from Tony of course, who wrapped his spare arm around her waist pulling her close, to which she responded, wrapping her own arm around his body, thinking absolutely nothing of it.

It wasn't until two weeks later, when the photograph mysteriously turned up on her desk – clearly it had been from Gibb's though he refused to admit it – that she realised just how much of a couple the pair of them looked. While it looked natural enough, the fact that they were the only ones standing who didn't have their hands full, she still could not get over the way her body moulded to his, the way his arm fit around her perfectly, and how the height difference was just right, even when she didn't have her heels on.

Ray was clearly seeing that now as his fingers traced the outline of her and Tony, a smirk on his face. If she was honest he looked like a mad man, in fact he looked completely insane.

His fist clenched and his arm tensed and for one moment she thought he was planning on breaking the frame and tearing up the photo. Instead though he placed the frame back onto the coffee table, lucky for him she thought, as she shifted her weight trying to think of a way to hurry this along, had he actually broken it there would have been absolute hell to pay. It didn't matter that every member of the team had copies, it was her favourite picture and that was that.

He finally raised his head to look at her again before shrugging his shoulders and laughing "Well I hope you two have fun together, what he should be bored with you in about two weeks? Then again though he is more of a onetime kind of guy isn't he."

"It is not like that" she said through gritted teeth, though she wasn't sure why she was trying to defend herself and a relationship that hadn't even begun yet. She knew what was true and what wasn't, but she certainly wouldn't allow Ray of all people to have the last word.

"Sure it's not" he said moving to pick his bag up from the floor, she noticed then that he was fully dressed. Had he been expecting this? Or had he planned to go looking for her, had she not shown up sooner than she did. "I bet he loves you right? No one more important to him, well news flash Ziva, he's a womanizing playboy, always has been and always will be, just because he has gotten into your pants won't change that."

"Just leave Ray" she said on an exasperated breath, she really wasn't in the mood to be wound up by his childish jibes. She knew he was only trying to get a reaction out of her, but her patience was beginning to wear thin.

"Ok I'm leaving" he said holding up his hands as he headed towards the door "Just remember not to run back to me when he ditches you, for the next girl that comes along, because this is it Ziva. If I walk out now, I'm not coming back."

Did this guy seriously think he was something like God's gift to women? He literally made her skin crawl, she couldn't believe she had wasted so much time with him. "Even if he did, you would be the last person I would _run back to_" she replied, mimicking his own voice as he had done to her. Incredibly immature, but god was it fun.

His smug facial expression seemed to deflate slightly at that, finally she had found something that had taken a dent of that damned oversized ego of his. He made it half way out of the door before turning to face her again clearly determined to try and hurt her as much as possible before he left. "Rather them than me I suppose, let them deal with your freaky nightmares" he laughed slyly, clearly expecting her to keep arguing or to show some sign that he had hit a nerve.

Instead she shook her head at him, before placing a hand on his back and pushing him not so gently the rest of the way "Just get out Ray." She stated before adding "And please do not be tempted to call" before slamming the door in his face, just catching a glimpse of his open mouth, his retort dead on his tongue before he had a chance to voice it.

Well that could have gone considerably better, but then again did she really think it would be anything but ugly?

Stomping through to her kitchen, she poured herself a glass of water and downed it quickly. She wasn't angry or upset in the slightest by what he had said, she was more angry at herself for not realising what he was really like and ending it sooner.

She began making windmill motions with her arms trying to ease some of the tension from her body, she usually would go for a run, or work out for an hour, but considering she had lost track of how many miles she had already done this morning she decided it probably wasn't such a good idea.

Staring across at her phone that sat on the counter she toyed with the idea of sending Tony a text, asking him to meet up later that morning. Though her thoughts were still a scrambled mess at that point, not that she was any less sure of what she wanted; she just thought it may be a good idea to let all of the anger to evaporate before she sat down and started having that talk with him.

Deciding she should probably at least shower before heading out again -_if_ she headed out again – she made to turn the shower on before reaching across for the taps on the bath tub. This way she could kill an hour, until it was a suitable time before she called him, texting just seemed a little informal in the grand scheme of things.

Alternating between flicking the hot and cold taps with her toes, she sank further into the water, feeling lighter than she had in a long time as the steam and scented bubble bath Abby had bought her filled the room.

Free from Mossad, free from Ray, free to make her own choices about what she wanted in life. She had made so many mistakes so far, she wasn't planning on making any more.

* * *

><p>It wasn't until an hour and a bit later, that she sauntered out of the bathroom, dressed and ready aside from her hair which was wrapped in a towel the last of the water drained from her bath, that she heard the faint sound of her ringtone echoing around her kitchen.<p>

Automatically assuming that it would be Tony, who else would be calling at this time on a Saturday morning she turned the device over in her hand, and was surprised to see McGee appear on the caller ID. Surely his sister didn't think she had killed someone again?

"Hello McGee"

"Hey Ziva, erm sorry to be bothering you so early on a Saturday but erm boss says-"

"He wants us to come into work, doesn't he?" she sighed rubbing her temples, so much for her free weekend.

"Yeah but only for a few hours, something about needing to do some paperwork or something"

"What paperwork McGee?" She could have sworn that she finished all hers on Thursday evening. In fact she knew she had. She had tore through it in record time, just so that she could get away and avoid Tony.

"I don't know, I just got told to make the call, I'm just as puzzled about this as you are"

"Ok I will see you in twenty McGee." She said before hanging up the phone and scrolling down her contacts list.

Her finger hovered over the call button next to Tony's name, but decided that by this point he would either still be asleep, be running round his apartment trying to make himself look presentable or would be driving, so talking to him over the phone wouldn't get her very far.

Resolving to corner him at work, and ask to go somewhere afterwards, she turned her attention till the still slightly damp mop that was her hair, realising that she wouldn't get away with just tying it up and letting it dry naturally – though her hair in its curly wild form would certainly garner a reaction from Tony – she decided she needed to blast it quickly with her hairdryer before scraping it back from her face. It would have to do.

What had started at twenty minutes had eventually turned into forty as she made it to her car and through morning traffic, continually checking how she looked as she went. She was acting like a school girl and she knew it, but she simply couldn't help the butterflies that had began to flutter around her insides.

She still had a slight spring in her step as she made her way off the elevator and sauntered towards the bull pen, only to be stopped in her tracks when she saw McGee sat typing away at his desk, but an empty chair at the one opposite her own.

"Where is Tony" she questioned, placing her things down at her desk.

"Actually this is why we are here" McGee said halting the typing of his keyboard "We have to do his special agent paperwork, for some reason."

"Did Gibb's not mention why?" she asked, now very suspicious about the whereabouts of their very special agent.

"I'm not really sure, he was kind of speaking in riddle" he replied, turning his attention back to the screen.

Exasperated Ziva slowly made her way over to his desk, placing her hands on her hips as she stared him down "McGee, what did he say?" she asked again, though spelling it out slowly this time.

"Something about having to leave early last night so he could help pack or something? And then something about an LA case and something about Cath, you know what Gibb's is like, never just comes out with it you know?" he babbled characteristically, but Ziva had stopped listening, she was completely frozen to the spot.

She had heard about this LA case, it was interesting what you could here in the copy room.

She had heard that supposedly Vance was talking about assigning an agent from Washington onto the case to help out. She had also heard just how dangerous said case was and about the fates of the last team of agents that had been placed on it.

It wasn't a case, it was a death sentence.

And Tony – an excellent agent and team leader with no long term relationship, no children or family to speak of, aside from his sister who was clearly already involved in the case – was the perfect candidate.

Vance must have asked him yesterday before their showdown in the bathroom.

The one where they had fought, before she kissed him, before saying she had to go back to Ray and- oh my god.

She had to stop him right now.

"I have to go McGee" she said urgently, trying to hide the panic that was rising within her, picking her keys and phone from her desk she went to swiftly leave the bull pen before McGee spoke up halting her progress.

"Hey you can't leave me here with all this!"

"McGee" she said turning to face him "I promise I will buy you coffee for the rest of your god damn life, if you can just do my half."

"But" he started, a slightly shell shocked expression on his face.

"Look McGee, Tony is about to do something incredibly stupid because of something I said to him" her voice broke slightly as she continued "I- we can't lose him McGee, so I'm going right now if you will do my half or not" the tears in her eyes were threatening to overflow now, but whether that was from the desperation she was feeling right now or from the fear of losing Tony, she couldn't tell.

"Ok" he nodded.

"Ok?" she said, gazing at him as if he had just brought on world peace, rather than agree to do her half of some paperwork.

"Yeah I will do it" he clarified "Now just go" he added prompting her to turn and almost sprint towards the elevator, her shaking fingers dialling Tony's number, repeatedly when he didn't answer the first, the second and the third time.

It wasn't until she was back in her car, speeding along the road, even faster than she usually would that she found herself repeating again and again "Please don't let it be too late."

* * *

><p>"Hey Tony you almost ready to go" Cath called through to the kitchen from the hallway.<p>

"I've been ready to go for almost an hour now, they won't hold the plane" he said peering into the corridor at Cath pulling the last bag of luggage to the door "You do know that right?"

"What? Of course I know that" she said as she ran round his apartment, doing a final sweep to check she hadn't missed anything the first ten times. It was funny he thought, that there was more of her stuff at his place than there was at her own.

"I would have presumed that you would be used to living the high life, flying in luxurious private jets and all that"

"That was one time Tony"

"Yeah who did you have to make out with to get that one" he winked at her.

"I didn't _have_ to make out with anyone" she said, checking her hand luggage for the tenth time. The last time she flew she had left a small bottle of perfume in her purse, only to have it taken from her in security.

"But you did anyway" he said laughing as she smirked at him, confirming his theory "Ha I knew it, Catherine Lashley you shady lady."

"Oh my god, please stop with the Grease quotes, you're literally driving me insane"

"I can sing if you want?"

"Please don't" she said there was only so much a girl could take this early on a Saturday morning "Ready to go?" she asked as he turned to pick up his keys.

"Yep just let me knock the lights off, don't want to waste electricity do we?" he drew out as he peered into every room of his apartment, he knew what Cath was like for running up considerable bills.

"You finished?"

"I think so, let's hit it baby"

"Ugh please don't call me that" Cath said as she pulled a case out of the door "Reminds me too much of an ex boyfriend"

"Want me to beat him up?"

"As fun as that would be, I don't think you would get to him. He's doing time in prison the last I heard."

"Wow Cath, you sure know how to pick them"

"What can I say? I have a thing for the bad boys"

"Maybe not such a good idea when you're entire career is based on putting them in jail"

"Not _that_ bad" she sighed as they reached the car and loaded the already very full trunk "And don't say you can't relate, it's no secret _you _like the bad girls" she laughed.

"Very funny" he said as he sank into the driver's seat "I didn't know my sister was a comedian as well" he sulked.

"Oh you know I'm only joking" she laughed again, patting the side of his face, before turning serious. "Hey you're sure this is what you want isn't it?"

"A comedian for a sister? Well you know I approved more of your other career choice, but whatever floats your boat really"

"Tony, be serious, are you sure this is how you want to do things?"

"Trying to change my mind?" he questioned raising his eyebrows at her as they pulled out of the parking garage.

"No you know I would support you whichever one you chose, I'm making sure that you aren't making a mistake"

"Well isn't that kind of your thing? Predicting what is going to happen next"

She sighed again at that, being around him sometimes was similar to being in the company of a group of children. At times she would bet the children were more intelligent. "I'm a psychologist Tony, not psychic."

"What's the difference though, really?"

"Tony" she began, glaring at the side of his head.

He turned to face her as he stopped at some traffic lights "No I'm not sure if this is a mistake, I'm just sure that this is what I want, and if I don't take the chance that is offered to me, then I would probably end up living to regret it, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah I know what you mean" she said softening slightly, before answering his smile. "Tony"

"Yeah" he replied, still not returning his eyes to the road.

"Lights are on green" she laughed, only laughing harder as his head shot up, and in his haste to set off, managed to stall the car. It looked like it was going to be a long drive to the airport.

The rest of the journey was spent simply conversing in their easy care free way, anyone on the outside completely unaware of who they were or what they were up against at work and in their personal lives. It was pretty nice, in a mysterious sort of way.

By the time they arrived at the airport and finally found the check in desk, Cath was quiet, completely different from the person she usually was. It was something he had noticed about her in the past few days, that whenever she was worried or upset about something she would become withdrawn, almost acting like a little girl again. It only made him wish he had known her while she was growing up even more, he was sure there was hardly ever a time Catherine Lashley ever didn't get her own way.

"Hey Cath, what's up?"

"Nothing" she said but upon seeing his unconvinced expression she added "Look I know you are making the right decision and I really want this for you, but it's just-"

"Just what?" he asked, praying that she hadn't changed her opinion on the matter and was about to convince him to do otherwise. If there was anyone's view who meant the most, it was hers.

"Just, I'm going to miss you alright, there you've got me too admit it, now give me my passport" she demanded as he laughed, holding it just out of her reach, before leaning over and enveloping her in a hug.

"Yeah I'm going to miss you too Cath" he said squeezing her tightly "Promise me your going to look after yourself over there? And then actually take Vance's offer of working in Washington full time?"

She rolled her eyes at him "You know I will. Now you promise me that by the time _I do_ come back, that you and Ziva are well into the process of making pretty babies" she leant back and smiled at him "I can't wait to be an aunt."

"Whoah hold up there, we aren't even together yet"

"But you will be" she said tapping his nose "You better be, letting me go off on this case all on my own."

"I know and I'm sorry Cath" he said looking to the ground, he truly did feel terrible having made the decision without even consulting her first.

He knew that she originally hadn't wanted him to take it, that she wanted him to stay in Washington and have his mind focused there. But he also knew that like him, she was reluctant to leave his side. Their weird sibling bond had only just started to grow, and to then be on opposite sides of the country, well it saddened him slightly.

But after everything that happened in the restrooms with Ziva, he knew that even if he went to LA, he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about her, thinking about the way she had felt in his arms, the way she had smelt, the way she had tasted. He would just put himself and everyone else in danger by being distracted by thoughts of what he had left behind.

He could remain professional to a certain point, but that, that was too much.

Vance hadn't actually sounded shocked over the phone, replying that he understood fully and of course he could take the rest of Friday off to help Cath, even if that meant Ziva and McGee had to do his paperwork. He just hoped they had gotten it done last night instead of being called in this morning. If he wasn't mistaken though, he could have sworn he heard a hint of amusement in Vance's usually monotone voice, not that he thought Tony would never be able to handle it, but more, he was sure that he would never take it.

"You don't need to be sorry Tony, I know why you're staying, and trust me she's worth it" at that he smiled, hugging her tightly one last time before he released her.

"Call me when you land" he said a little breathlessly, his mind clearly wandering elsewhere at this point.

"I will" she smiled back at him, sometimes he was as readable as a book "Now go" she added pushing him away as she turned to make her way to the first class lounge. One advantage of flying alone anyway, Vance paid for her upgrade and she got to flirt with all the good looking rich business men.

Tony himself couldn't stop smiling as he headed back to his car, he would miss Cath, he really would, and would no doubt be planning on trying to fly over there in the next few months if the case span on for longer than expected.

But as he pulled away from the busy airport traffic his mind was elsewhere.

There was now one thing for him left to do.


	7. Chapter 7

Ziva wasn't even aware of the route she took to get to Tony's.

The whole journey seemed to pass in a blur. A blur of beeping car horns and near misses with oncoming traffic, a blur in which she was so distracted by her thoughts that she ran three red lights and almost hit an old woman crossing the street.

But she didn't care. Because the conflicting emotions that were currently running through her were reaching such intense peaks that the urge to curl into a ball was almost overwhelming.

Regret was the first thing that hit her.

Sure she didn't know _exactly_ when he was leaving, there was still a small part of her holding onto the hope that he hadn't gone at all. But it truly shouldn't have been like this, with her speeding down the road, weaving in and out of traffic, desperately trying to make it to him, to convince him to stay, to give them a chance. She shouldn't have walked away; she should have stayed where she was and bothered to finish that conversation with him. No scratch that. She should have had the courage to not only face but tell him how she felt _years ago_. She should have just given in, stopped playing stupid games and doing what other people had expected of her, and for once did something that made _her_ happy.

Anger followed as a close second.

Though it was slightly subdued in comparison to her usual rage, she realised – as the clench around her heart tightened further - this _particular_ anger, was tainted with such a sadness, she could feel the tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, just as they had back at the bull pen.

She blinked them away, trying to find some level of sustain in her emotions. Anger was better than sadness, she had always been taught that, you could control anger, use it to your advantage. Allowing it to consume you, to allow it to affect you emotionally was a weakness.

She wanted to punch and kick and scratch every inch of that gorgeous damned body of his. Make him feel a fraction of the pain that she was currently enduring.

How could he just walk away? Leave without saying goodbye or explaining himself, even if he intended to return, she knew he would be fully aware of the dangers of the case, fully aware that there was a large chance he would be killed, that he would never see them again. But he had walked away. Left them, the team, without so much as a note. Had left _her _without an explanation, unfinished business lingering between them.

Just as she had done when she had walked away from him.

How could she be angry with him, angry about his actions when he was only trying to protect himself from the things that she had done.

If anything, this was her fault.

To anyone who wasn't a mind reader, her decision would have been quite obvious. Walking away, muttering excuses about a current boyfriend, no phone calls or messages, no amends attempted to be made in the hours that followed.

But this was Tony, he knew her better than anyone, surely he should know she simply needed time to sort her head, and that things would be resolved after a few days.

That was the problem though wasn't it?

He had given up, had stopped trying to be the guy who could defuse her temper, the one that always placed himself closest to the blast. The one that allowed her to hurt him, just because it made her feel better and still came back ready and willing to give their friendship, _their relationship _another try.

She had never bothered to tell him that he always did the right things and that she appreciated him being there.

She simply took him for granted. Took his sweet caring nature as something that _belonged _to her, it being such a foreign feeling that the thought of not having it set off flares, which of course led to unexpected feelings, which she swallowed down.

It was a viscous cycle, of realisation and denial.

And things were _never _resolved between them.

Clearly this refusal to once again face what was right in front of them, what was right in front of _her_ was the final straw.

Because he wasn't a mind reader, how could she expect him to know what she was thinking, to anticipate what she was going to do and the choice she would make.

She didn't blame him for wanting to leave, who would seriously choose to stay for something, _someone _who had gone out of her way to make it plainly obvious that she didn't want him. Who was seriously messed up, with every control, anger and jealousy issue known to man.

Even if she did manage to get there in time, what would she even say? 'Yeah I've broke up with my boyfriend who I waved in front of you for months, fancy giving it a go?'

What if this wasn't what he wanted? What if he turned her down and actually preferred the idea of leaving for LA over staying with her. How would she even begin to _try_ to get over him? To have to forget him, and push down all these feelings that she had finally allowed to surface, if only to herself. If he didn't want her after all this it would destroy her, be the kill shot to her already fragile persona.

Panic. Complete and utter blind panic, was the third feeling that plagued her.

It may have seemed out of place and slightly out of the ordinary to what she _should _be feeling.

But there was no other word for it.

She didn't think she could face his rejection. In fact she knew she couldn't. She was terrified that he had changed his mind that he would turn her away and she would be left humiliated.

But what was the alternative?

She could stop right now. Stop driving, turn around and head back to the office as if nothing had happened. Make up some excuse to explain her actions to McGee, suffer in silence while he was gone before trying to return to normal. Pretend that she hadn't heard the words he had spoken, and pretend that she hadn't herself realised just how much she loved that infuriating man.

She could save herself the humiliation but not the pain.

And hell she was tired of pretending.

If he still chose to leave, well she would be devastated, but at least she could tell herself she had given it her all before recoiling into the broken shell that she no doubt would become.

So instead of stopping the car and turning back, her foot applied more pressure to the accelerator.

She couldn't help but wonder when she had became so reliant on him. When she had stopped living her life as a single being, dependant on only her own choices, free to do as she wished,

When was the defining moment that Tony became such a part of her that she simply couldn't get rid of no matter what?

He had her trapped, yet she didn't want to escape.

Not when she craved his company the way she did, not when she still kept one of his old t-shirts one he had lent her months ago, folded in her draw his faint smell still lingering on it simply because when she couldn't bring herself to call him it made her feel closer to him and most definitely not when just one of his smiles could break through her darkest moods, make her weak at the knees and be absolutely _certain_ that if he was alongside her she could get through anything.

A single tear made its way down her cheek, though she rubbed it away harshly, feeling the sting of her fingers against her skin.

She would not cry.

She was finally doing something that would make her happy, something that would make them _both_ happy.

She simply didn't want to comprehend it being any other way.

* * *

><p>Upon calling Ziva's home telephone and getting no answer, he assumed that the two probettes had in fact been called into the office this morning, and – if the amount of paperwork that had been sat on his desk yesterday was anything to go by – would no doubt be there for some time.<p>

Meaning that he had an hour or two to kill before the big showdown.

Ok so he should _probably _not call it a showdown, if he actually said that one out loud in front of Ziva he reckoned she might just actually kill him. Either that or cause him some serious bodily harm.

He wasn't entirely sure _how_ to define it though.

If he was honest he wasn't entirely sure on anything.

He had stayed to try and give this thing between him and Ziva a chance. That he knew. And he was quietly very confident about the outcome of whatever may go on over the next few weeks.

Though he wouldn't allow himself to get his hopes up, for now anyway.

Ray was no doubt still hanging around somewhere, and even as much as he wanted this – whatever _this _was – and despite Ray being the biggest jerk he had ever came across, he knew it was wrong to do _anything_ other than talk, while she technically still belonged to him.

Though the thought of her belonging to anyone at all honesty made him feel nauseous.

Ziva did not _belong_ to anyone. She never had and never would. Yet by McGee's account of the way Ray had spoke to her yesterday, the guy clearly did not grasp that.

Tony had always considered Ziva to be _his._ But not in the context where she was deemed a possession, or something to be controlled, she was simply _his._

The person he was supposed to be with, the person who he instantly had that connection with. His soul mate, the person he would do absolutely anything for. It was more like he belonged to her, to do her bidding, to wait on her hand on foot.

Kate had often lectured him about true love, about the person you were meant to end up with, and told him as soon as he bothered to pull his head out of his ass and take note of the world around him he would believe her.

He could tell she would be absolutely pulling her hair out by the fact it had taken him over six years to do exactly that. He could _also_ tell that she would have been currently doing a little victory dance chanting 'I told you so'.

He really should have listened to her. In fact there were a lot of things he should have done.

But everyone always thinks that they have all the time in the world.

He wondered then and not for the first time, if Kate and Ziva would have gotten along.

Had Kate lived, he knew that Ziva would have still come into his life. He was a firm believer that 'all things happen for a reason' but he refused to accept that Kate' death was the only reason he had Ziva now, some things were just meant to be, and deciding that the undignified and unjust end of someone he considered a sister was the only way he would meet the woman he loved was simply ridiculous.

He could imagine that they would have both been wary of each other at first. Never trusting, always trying to top the other, but slowly he believed they may have become friends.

They were totally different people, yet so similar at the same time.

He could see them now, joining forces to share juicy information they had on him, going off on their own to take down bad guys twice their size and generally being the bad ass ninja's that they were. _Generally _making his life a living hell, because when you had not one, but _two_ woman who was borderline insane, well put it this way he thinks he would be completely grey and rocking the Gibb's look within about two months. And Gibb's himself? Well he would no doubt have given himself a heart attack trying to look out for the pair of them.

As clear as day he could see them.

Ziva, Kate, Abby and maybe even Cath - because he was just as sure she would have made her way into life as well – all four of them friends, going out for lunches, being bridesmaids at one another weddings, holding trains as they walked down the aisles, making inappropriate speeches at the reception, being the first ones they called to scream down the phone telling each other that they were pregnant, holding baby showers and – he should really stop there. He was getting slightly carried away.

Because although all that may come true – and he hoped to god that he would be the one standing at the top of the aisle when Ziva walked down it – he knew that there would always be one member of that particular foursome missing.

It was a sad truth that Ziva _and _Cath had never got to meet Kate. But one that was true regardless.

Feeling slightly down, he made an attempt to snap himself out of it. He had accepted Kate's death years ago, though that still didn't mean that he felt sad from time to time, for what must have been the hundredth time in the past few years he made a vow with himself to visit her grave more often to pay his respects.

Deciding to head out to pick up his dry cleaning – expensive suits did not react well to simply being thrown in the washing machine – before heading back to his apartment, immediately his thoughts returned to Ziva. Though he admitted to himself, she hadn't exactly been far away from them in the first place.

He knew they needed to talk, and talk _properly_, nothing like what happened in the bathroom. Though actually through facing a bit of their past he already felt lighter.

No they needed to actually talk about this. What they were, and how they felt, and what plans the other had for the long term. They needed to sort it out and fast, because as soon as Gibb's caught scent of fraternization between co workers they would be working cases for twenty three hours of the day surviving on little sleep and a lot of coffee.

It was easier said than done when it came to Ziva David.

She was a free spirit, catching her was like trying to grab smoke with your bare hands, like trying to juggle a grenade and put the pin back in. She _never_ wanted to face feelings or uncomfortable talks, or anything that may make her vulnerable.

She was defensive, suspicious and quite frankly completely crazy, yet he loved her so much that it hurt, and he was pretty sure that she felt the same way.

He hadn't even considered that she wouldn't.

She was the most beautiful, sexy woman he had ever met, and she had him wrapped around her little finger.

And he truly wouldn't have it any other way.

It was then that he knew, with such an intense clarity, what he had to do today.

Drop off some things at his apartment, before heading into work; at least if he made an effort to help the pair she may be more willing to speak to him.

Though then again, she didn't even have to speak all that much, something told him this would be one of these occasions where he talked and she listened.

Abandoning the idea of buying yet another cup of coffee, he briskly walked back to his car, almost with a spring in his step.

Ray or no Ray, he and Ziva were going to sort things. And they were going to do it today.

He didn't care if it took him the rest of his life to persuade her that he was the right guy for her, he would do it.

* * *

><p>Unable to see a space on the street, Ziva pulled into the parking garage that was underneath Tony's building, flashing a resident pass that she had forgotten she even had.<p>

Tony had gotten it for her years ago, when her visits at his place had gradually began to occur more often. She also had a spare key somewhere, though never chose to use it. There was always a spare key tucked under the slightly splintered wood of Tony's door frame.

Her eyes scanned the almost packed garage, wondering when so many of Tony's neighbours decided to buy cars, probably when the landlord started giving out garage passes to residents friends she thought as the panic began to slowly rise when she was unable to spot his or Cath's car.

She hadn't been able to see his car on the street outside either, but swallowing the fear down convincing herself that she probably just hadn't noticed it, she swung the door of her mini open nearly hitting the concrete wall in her haste.

As she made her way across the garage to the stairs – hoping that there wasn't anything disgusting left lying around as there often was – she couldn't help but let her mind drift back to all the times she would make this walk up the floors to Tony's apartment.

Times when she would just be visiting him because they enjoyed each the others company – though neither of them would admit it – times when she would be headed over to watch a movie he was desperate for her to see, times when they were carpooling and he was determined to make them late, and most recently when he had been injured, when Vance had insisted that he take some time off.

That she decided was when this whole mess started.

When they realised just how domesticated they were together, him laughing, her taking care of him, filling him in about what was going on at work.

That, she decided, was when she had feebly attempted to build up her walls, to desperately make a go of an already failing relationship with Ray.

She had stopped telling him things, stopped coming over, created a false act as if they were still the closest of friends, but look where that had gotten her.

She had been stupid to fight against this, stupid to even think that this wasn't meant to be, that he could adjust fate.

She had tried to cut him out and look where that had gotten her. Practically sprinting to his apartment to desperately beg him to give them, to give _her_ another chance.

When she arrived at the ground floor, she was met with an elevator 'in maintenance' – seriously was the elevator _ever_ working when she was here? - and Mrs Jacobsen at the bottom of what was apparently a far too strenuous climb for a woman of her age to make with such heavy bags, and could she possibly give her a hand dear.

Ziva wanted to shout at her, that no she couldn't give her a 'hand' and why was a woman of '_her age' _buying paintballing equipment for god sake? She couldn't ever remember her even mentioning grandchildren the few times they had been stuck in the elevator together, the woman was a serious gossip and would continually be asking questions about what Ziva was doing here and what was her relationship with '_Anthony_'.

Today was apparently no exception; her questioning began as soon as they hit the first step.

"Oh my Ziva, it's so lovely to see you, I haven't seen you round here in quite some time dear. I hope you and Anthony haven't had a tiff"

"A tiff?" she questioned wondering if the lady was walking slowly on purpose or if there was actually something physically wrong with her to cause her to stop every second step "English is not my first language" she added upon seeing Mrs Jacobsen's curious face.

"Oh well of course it isn't" she replied with a laugh which apparently was cause enough for her to have to stop again and lean against the banister "What I mean is, I hope you and Anthony haven't had a falling out".

"No we have not" Ziva said wondering if it would be easier to pick up the damn woman _and _ her backs if it got her upstairs any faster, they had only just hit the first floor and had to make it all the way to the third.

"Well I would be careful, I've seen him a lot with a lovely young blond girl, Cath I believe her name is"

Was this woman seriously trying to get a jealous reaction out of her? She _must_ know that Tony and Cath were related; she practically lived next door to him for goodness sake. Ziva didn't even live here, and was being pounced upon; she would hate to think what it would be like to actually live here. She knew one thing for sure though she sure as hell wasn't moving in to Tony's apartment with this cougar prowling around – and oh my god she can't believe she is actually thinking like that, and for the alarm bells not to be ringing out in her head.

Then again though, she may have just been so desperate to actually make it upstairs and fighting the urge to shove both Mrs Jacobsen and her shopping down the stairs that anything else just didn't register marginally with her.

She decided to play along with her though.

"A woman?" she asked, putting on her best poker face "Well I most certainly heard nothing about that" she watched as the woman's eyes practically lit up "What did you say her name was again?"

"Her name is Cath, about mid twenties, blond, is a psychologist I think, very pretty. Though not as pretty as you of course" She added, and seeing Ziva's fake pleased airhead smile she continued "Well I tell you something, she and Anthony are coming home at all hours of the night, don't know what they are playing at. Has Anthony not mentioned her to you?"

"No I do not believe he has, I will be sure to ask him about her"

"You should most definitely do that Ziva, you can't let a man walk all over you in a relationship, trust me I learned the hard way" she beamed, obviously thinking that she had given some excellent advice, even if it was based on her own bent truth. If only she knew that if Tony ever _did _try to walk all over her, well, it simply would never happen. He knew far too well what would happen to him.

Mostly though she knew Tony simply was not like that.

They had finally made it to the third floor, huffing and puffing all the while, as Ziva was filled in on every aspect of certain tenants and their personal lives. This woman really did know everything.

As they made their way over the final step, Ziva couldn't help but have a slight flashback to when she had been hauling McGee up the stairs a few nights ago. It seemed like an absolute life time ago.

She had made so many personal and emotional discoveries in such a short time, that she almost didn't recognize the person she had been just days before.

On request she placed the bags in Mrs Jacobsen's apartment, being very careful not to break her ornaments while trying to make a strategic retreat at the same time.

"I forgot to ask you Ziva, what you were doing here?" she questioned happily, pulling some groceries out of a bag, apparently she was still in the mood for a chat. "Are you house sitting for Anthony?"

At that Ziva's stomach flipped. "What do you mean house sitting?" she asked, not entirely sure she wanted to know the answer.

"Well I just assumed you were aware, I got a bit off track before talking about Cath" she said hastily before continuing "Just as I was leaving for my shopping this morning I saw Anthony heading to his car with a bunch of suitcases, I just assumed that he was heading out for a little holiday, he works so hard you know" she babbled on characteristically as she placed more groceries into the cupboards. But Ziva wasn't listening she was frozen to the spot, unable to move, unable to speak as she played over what she had just heard.

He had taken the case, he had actually taken it. He had packed everything up and just left. Left thinking that she didn't care, left thinking that she didn't _desperately _want what he wanted and thinking that she had chosen _Ray_ over him.

She couldn't bear it; she had to know for sure.

Muttering her goodbyes, the speed she got out of the apartment, shutting the door behind her was almost record breaking.

She could barely make out Mrs Jacobsen's calls of thank you, and promises to talk again soon. Yeah if Tony had actually gone, she doubted that she would even be able to function, never mind have dragged out conversations with gossiping old woman.

She made her way along the corridor to his door, the tears already building in her eyes, the blood pounding in her ears, as she knocked frantically on the door.

There was no answer. Of course there was no answer.

The tears flowed freely now as her hand searched recklessly for the key, scratching her hand on the pieces of wood as she went leaving angry red marks on her skin. But she didn't care. The only thing she was aware of was that the key was missing.

It was gone from its hiding place, because Tony too had gone.

The pain in her chest was almost too much as she spun round her back meeting the door as she slowly slumped downwards to the floor, bringing her knees up and burying her face into her hands as she let out a sob.

Once one escaped, preventing the chorus of sobbing that followed was futile.

Her whole body was wracked with guttural sounds, as her tears continued to fall, unable to accept that she had been too late, that she had gone and it was her fault.

She didn't know what she was meant to do with herself.

How could she be expected to carry on working, carry on as normal, staring at his empty desk, or even worse staring at another agent who had been assigned to take his place?

She couldn't do it, she refused to do it.

She wondered if Vance would consider signing her onto the case too? Unlikely she thought, but if she were assigned or not she was leaving for LA. He wasn't allowed to get away from her, he wasn't allowed to leave her like this, to go off and probably get himself killed. He couldn't do that to her.

She hated him, for doing this to her. For making her love him so damn much, that she felt as if she was being ripped apart from the inside, for making her feel that without him there by her side she couldn't go on, how could he do this to her, how could he make her feel like this?

But mostly how could she have been so stupid to let him get away? To think that she had time, to actually allow herself to believe that he would still be in his apartment this late in the morning. She knew how assignments worked, agents were flown out as fast and as early as possible to their destinations. It was likely that he and Cath had left some time this morning.

Even though she knew fine well that Cath was his sister she couldn't help the irrational spark of jealousy that flared in her at the thought that currently Cath was the one he trusted and relied on the most, the one he would be spending the most time with, the one he would be working alongside every day.

It should be _her. _

But it hadn't worked that way, nothing ever worked that way for them.

Her sobbing had fazed for a minute or too, turning into desperate hiccups, but started up once again when she realised just how stupid she had been. She had let the regrets of her past hold her back and now she was paying for it.

She thought she had all the time in the world, but really no one ever does.

* * *

><p>Her sobs had once again turned into fast shallow hiccups as she tried to suck in air.<p>

Her head was still held in her hands as her eyes were squeezed shut as she heard someone's footsteps making their way up the stairs.

She must look an absolute state, but she really didn't care, she was past caring about anything right not.

She was vaguely aware of the footsteps coming ever closer, but she still couldn't bring herself to look up. She wasn't going to leave, even if someone asked her too.

What a great way to top off what was turning out to be the worst day ever by being arrested.

"Ziva?" her head shot up not quite believing what she was hearing, her eyes met his desperately trying to decide whether he was real or just a cruel figment of her imagination. "Ziva, what's wrong?"

Ok so he was real, only Tony could ask such a stupid question. What was wrong? Did he seriously just ask that? Did he seriously not have a clue about what she had been through in the past hour, how would he feel if she mysteriously vanished on a secret case following a fight? If he didn't receive so much as a phone call from her, if he believed that she had just walked out of his life for good.

The tears began to fall again as she ignored his hand to help her stand up, she didn't think she could take his kindness right now.

She wanted to punch and kick him, make him hurt physically as well as mentally just as she had been the past few hours. She wanted to kiss him so hard it took his breath away, she wanted to shove him against the wall only to be shoved back twice as hard, she wanted to feel him, know for sure that he was there and that this wasn't going to be a horrific dream that she would wake up from heartbroken and alone.

She didn't do any of that though. As she clambered to her feet, her eyes never leaving his, the sincerity and worry obvious in his eyes as he wiped a tear away from her cheek with his finger. There was only thing she was really capable of.

Practically flinging herself at him, she wrapped her arms around his neck, feeling his arms come to secure her waist as she sobbed into his chest, incapable of forming words, just completely overwhelmed by the fact that he was still here.

He hadn't left her and that she was about to get her second no third chance.

And the way his hands slowly stroked her hair, whispering sweet nothings in her ear, assuring her that everything was going to be alright just made her cry harder.

Because everything that was him, the way he smelt, the firm yet softness of his body, the way she melded perfectly into him she felt the most secure, the most at home than she ever had felt. And she had almost lost it, had almost thrown it away, allowed it to escape her grasp, and leave, so she would be on her own never having these feelings of fulfilment ever again.

It was inconceivable, simply impossible for her to imagine. So she buried her face further into his chest, her entire body shaking as hot tears stained his shirt, refusing to stop pouring from her eyes.

Tony was at a loss what to do.

Sure he had seen her cry, but never like this, never at the point where he seriously thought she may never let go of him. Though he honestly didn't think he would complain if she didn't.

He simply did what came naturally, telling her that it was alright, trying to shush her crying as he kept a tight hold on her, though he wasn't even sure why she was here never mind practically hysterical in the first place.

He couldn't understand it. Surely this wasn't about the fight; she had had all night to show up at his door step, hell she could have called him, though suddenly recalling having left his phone on the coffee table since last night he realised that even had she attempted to call he wouldn't have answered.

But what the hell was this about?

If he wasn't mistaken _she _had been the one to run away from him, and hadn't he been the one coming up with the master plan to win her back the entire way over here? He most certainly hadn't expected to come back to his apartment to find Ziva practically curled up on the floor, sobbing near uncontrollably.

This was most certainly not he wanted things to go.

He had been planning on persuading her to join him for coffee or maybe a walk, make her laugh make her feel comfortable before laying his cards on the table, making room for no mistake about how he felt, and this time not letting her run without her fully understand what _he_ had to offer her.

Ok so it wasn't the most _romantic_ plan ever, but not only was Ziva not a big fan of being bought, but he thought if he had to consider anything else but the bare minimum of what he had to say that his head may explode. And that _definitely_ would put a damper on things.

None of that mattered now though, because right now he had a ninja still wrapped up in his arms, her crying quietened with just the occasional hiccup disturbing her regular breathing, though the tears still threatened to fall, the occasional one escaping and making its way down her streaked face as her fingers played slightly with the hair at the back of his neck. He was a bit tickly there if he was honest, but he wasn't about to spoil the moment.

Pulling back slightly, without releasing his hold on her, he looked directly into her eyes watching as her mouth opened and closed clearly at a loss as to how to explain her actions.

He thought he would at least give her a hand "Hey" he offered quietly, not wanting to push her too much straight away.

"Hey" she whispered back, her own eyes refusing to leave his.

"If you don't mind me asking, fancy telling me what all the tears are about Zee-Vah"

It could be considered that he was talking to her as if she were a child, a fragile doll that could easily be smashed, but she knew different, he was trying to lighten the mood slightly, make a joke, ease the tension slightly. Not for his own benefit, but for her, to make her feel more comfortable and perhaps even less embarrassed about her breakdown.

Just staring at his face though, and the emotions that play across them is nearly enough to break her again. So much so that even more tears – surely she must be all cried out by now – make their way down her face before she speaks.

"I thought you had gone" she fisted his shirt in her hand, keeping him in place "I thought you had left me."

"Why would you even think that?" he asked softly, trying to not upset her again.

"Because I'm horrible to you Tony, I mess you around and take you for granted"

"You don't" he interrupted rubbing her back in circular motions "Don't be silly Ziva" he added.

"No I do" she replied her voice breaking slightly "I take you for granted and let you think that I do not care, but I do, I really care about you, and I need you here with me even if that makes me selfish" the pitch of her voice went up slightly as if she was losing control again. He opened his mouth attempting to speak but she cut him off "I thought that you were going to take the case" her face was crinkling now as she struggled against the wave of emotion, watching as realisation played across his "I thought I was going to lose you and – oh I am so sorry Tony" she said falling apart again as she buried her face into his chest.

So that was what this was about.

Clearly news of the case had gotten around the building, though like all good rumours, some of the facts were absent. Like the fact Tony had decided _not _to take the case, he would assume that the line of agents trying to grab his job was out the door by this time.

Whatever Ziva had or hadn't heard, obviously made her think that he had gone, that he had left without an explanation, resulting in her being very upset and the current situation where he had a ninja wrapped round his neck.

He tried to laugh it off slightly holding her tighter "Hey, there's nothing to be sorry for, you're not going to lose me, I would never do anything without consulting you first" he added though stopped when she only continued to cry harder.

It didn't appear like it would be stopping any time soon.

She had been panicked, about him.

His wild, stunning, idiom misquoting ninja chick had panicked. And he had a feeling he knew why.

It had nothing to do with the bonds of team mates, or the friendship they had developed over the past few years, he severely doubted it had a great deal to do with their fight either. He felt his hopes rise slightly as she calmed again, before looking up, clearly not hazed by the fact they were still stood out in the corridor.

"I broke up with Ray" she said, her voice regaining the slight sounds of its usual tone.

"You did what?" Tony replied. Ok so he had not been expecting that one, he was struggling to keep a lid on his hopes, prevent them from rising. Because if it turned out she _didn't_ want what he did – though if he was honest, at this point he severely doubted it- he would be heartbroken, and he didn't think he could deal with that right now.

"I broke up with him this morning" she paused fixing him with a firm glare when he opened his mouth to speak, no doubt to make some irrelevant movie quote. "I need to get some things off my vest Tony"

"Chest"

"Pardon"

"Its 'get things off my chest'"

"Why would there be something on my chest?"

"I don't know, maybe you-"

"Tony" she cut him, fixing him with another of her death stares, he instantly shut up, making a movement with his head signalling for her to continue, his arms remaining tight around her waist, their bodies pressed together even though they were still stood in the hallway.

"I went for a run this morning" she began, thinking how to word it. How come things always made such perfect sense in her head yet she simply could not vocalise them? "I went for a run and I thought about things"

"Things?"

"Yes _things_ and no interrupting" she really needed him to be quiet if she was going to say all that she had to say. "Mostly I thought about us, or you in particular" she saw him smile at that, clearly fighting the urge to make a comment "I thought about – about the things you said in the bathrooms, about the things that have happened in our past, the things that made us who we are and the thing, whatever _it_ is that is between us. That has always been _between _us"

"And what did you come up with" He asked softly, when she didn't speak for a while, her gaze had dropped from his and were now pinned to the wall behind him. It made sense he thought, she had never been one comfortable with her emotions, and for her to be baring her soul to him right now must be like having her fingernails pulled out.

She surprised him though, when she looked up directly at him again. The intensity of her gaze nearly enough to bring him to his knees, her face still tear streaked, yet a broad smile was now spreading across her face.

"I realised what would make me happy, and being with a guy I barely could stand wasn't going to bring me that. I realised that I wanted the spark, I wanted the electricity, I wanted the pain that came with loving someone with your whole heart" she paused catching her breath watching Tony's confused, and almost anxious expression.

Even when he could read her like a book, like she knew he could now, he never took it for granted. Never simply assumed that he knew what she would say or do next. Though maybe right now it was a mix of all his previous rejections catching up with him, woman always seemed to leave him, always seemed to disappoint and make him hurt.

One thing was for sure, she would no longer be one of those women.

And as she ran her fingers through his scalp, their faces barely inches apart, gone was the fear that he would turn her away, that this wouldn't work out, that it would compromise their work. If it did then so be it, because damn she was sick of waiting, sick of pretending not to want him. Because god did she want him, wanted him more than she had ever wanted a man in her life.

She would be a fool to let such a good thing get away, because right now, standing in his arm, feeling his breath fan across her face – and really she had no idea when the distance between them had became next to nothing – no now she knew that _this _was where she belonged.

The next thing she said came off her tongue easier than she predicted. She was free of doubt, free from her past that had tied her down for so long, it was time to move forward. "I realised" she began watching his eyes flit between hers and her lips "I realised that I am so in love with you, always have been and always will be. I can't live without you I guess" she said a smirk playing round her lips at the obvious call back to what he himself had said years earlier, it was progress she thought that they were at the point when the phrase didn't bring back unpleasant and slightly sad memories of a once shattered relationship.

Watching as shock and delight crossed his face simultaneously; she opened her mouth to say something else but was cut off when he lowered his mouth to cover hers.

A gasp of surprise escaped her throat as he pulled her closer – if that was possible – before she responded eagerly. Wrapping her hands around his neck, running one upwards to the back of his neck to hold him closer, make sure that there wasn't the slightest bit of air between them.

It was impossible she thought to even consider 'making do' with anything less than this.

To not be able have _him_.

The way he felt against her, the taste of his lips on hers, the white hot heat that sparked between them by the simplest touch of him brushing the skin above her hip with his fingers, the way her own hands moved against the broad expanse of his back desperately trying to bring him closer.

He was addictive, a drug that give such the biggest high, that she almost believed it to be too good to be true. Yet by no means did she – would she – ever want to give it up. If she had nothing else but _him_ for the rest of her days she would die a happy woman.

And who could blame her?

His tongue tangled against hers, fighting for dominance in the kiss, the pair barely pausing to suck in desperate breaths of air, before reconnecting, it was all so new, and it was perfect.

He moved her so that her back hit the wall, giving them both something solid to lean on. In truth he was glad of it, he wasn't sure how much longer he could keep standing upright the way things were going.

Tony was completely consumed by her. By every little thing she did, from the small little gasps she made as his lips slowly made its way down the juncture of her throat having intended to allow them both to breathe, to her sweet smell that filled his senses that he wanted laced deep into his sheets, that he wanted to fill his apartment and to be able to embrace every single day.

And there was still a part of him that thought this was too good to be true. Even in his dream versions of her though, she wasn't this way.

Not that she wasn't much short of amazing _then_, but compared to now. The way she clung to him desperately trying to draw him closer, as if she herself didn't believe him to be real, the way she wouldn't allow him to move away from him, the way she was soft and fierce combined.

It was ridiculously good. In face he doubted that even covered it, and you pretty much know when your reality challenges your – in his case very imaginative – dreams that you are onto something good.

Moving his hands around the backs of her thighs, she quickly got the message and jumped wrapping her legs around his waist, holding him tightly, bringing them even closer together; she didn't want to even allow herself to consider just how _good _it would be when they ventured past kissing. She was just about seeing stars right now and he had barely done a thing.

And oh did he know he was good, the way he kept smirking against her mouth, though never breaking their lips for a second, even when their lungs where burning and crying out for oxygen.

They had both waited so long for this, things getting in the way, their own insecurities holding them back, and now that they had it, well easy to say they weren't keen on letting go anytime soon.

She had told him that she loved him back. He had always thought it was true, but had never dared allow himself to imagine the genuine admiration that he had seen returned in her eyes. Sure he was mad about her, but to see her actually return it, to know that she felt for him at least half as much as he felt for her was beyond anything that he could have wished for.

Unable to prevent the moan of delight that made its way from her throat as his hand began making its way under her shirt, brought them both back down to earth slightly, noticing where they were they knew that if someone of an elderly or nervous disposition was to walk down the hall right now they would likely pass out from shock.

They still didn't part though, her legs still wrapped around his waist, one of arms supporting her underneath as the other tangled in her hair. A slightly compromising position to say the least.

Yet still they remained, eyes closed as their chests panted against one another, not unsure of what to say, just simply content remaining still, soaking in the other.

"If it wasn't obvious, I totally love you too" he laughed, breaking the silence as she opened her eyes to look at him.

She laughed before huffing slightly, playing up the wounded feelings routine "Not exactly the most romantic declaration of love I ever heard, you might want to get working on them"

"I think my heartfelt declaration in the restrooms was quite enough" he grinned back, knowing that neither of them were really bothered by it, but this was them all over, poking and prodding until the other snapped "but can I take that to mean you plan to hang around for a while?"

"We shall see" she replied unwrapping her legs and dropping to the floor, though still her arms remained around his neck "are you going to make me watch movies that are supposedly _classics_?"

"It's very likely, though if I'm honest I had some other things in mind if you know what I mean" he said, giving her a wink that almost had her shivering. So add that one to the list of the effects Tony DiNozzo has on her, turning her into a trembling flustering school girl.

"Who says you will be getting any of this?" she countered, though knowing full well as soon as they were behind clothes doors, nothing would stop her from literally _tearing_ his clothes off. She knew it and he knew, but they of course had to out tease each other before anything could really happen.

That she decided was why nothing between them was ever awkward between them; they simply never allowed it to be. Hell she had just been pressed to the wall making out with her _partner_, and was currently having some pretty racy thoughts about him too, yet they both still managed to maintain a conversation, to remain professional if it so demanded.

This could work, they just had to keep a hold of who they were as individuals, rather than becoming that annoying couple that insists on living in the others pocket.

He guffawed slightly at her answer before playing mock confusion "Well I don't know what you're thinking about Agent David, but I was talking about enjoying a game of scrabble"

"Sure you were, now get out your key and get that ass through that door"

"Demanding" he said, raising an eyebrow at her slightly, while digging through his pocket for the key.

"Too right I'm demanding, and if you don't hurry up and open that damn door I'm leaving right now" she said, her fake anger would have been quite convincing had it not been for the small smile that played around her lips, and the fact her hand was stroking up and down his bicep.

"You wouldn't leave, you want me far too much" he said as she heard the lock turning.

She didn't think he had ever been more correct, because right now her want for him was like a dull ache. They could have waited, but neither were those types of people. And after seven years, they had done enough waiting.

She still opened her mouth to protest though, the stubborn streak in her winning out, not wanting to allow him to gain the upper hand in this little verbal sparring they were having, though was effectively silenced when his mouth covered hers, her fingers moving down his arm to thread through his, keeping him near and anchored to her as if nothing could pull them apart.

When they pulled apart he ran his thumb across her jaw before practically whispering "I really do love you Ziva, I always have from the first day I met you, and I wouldn't be the person I was today without you."

The confession was nearly enough to bring tears to Ziva's eyes, though it was short lived when he bent down to kiss her again, blowing all coherent thought out of her mind as it heated up, his hands tracing the lines of her curves.

It was overwhelming. He was overwhelming.

And breaking apart for air, as they smiled at each other, she doesn't think she has ever been so convinced of something her entire life.

No worries, no regrets just them.

They still had mountains to climb, things to talk about it. But it could wait.

Because as she gripped his hand and pulled him through the door of his apartment, she knew that whatever they faced, they would face it together.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**_ I seriously cannot apologize enough for the delay, it has been absolutely hectic round here the past few weeks and sadly writing had to take a back seat. Thank you so much for all the alerts and reviews, they seriously make my day. Planning to make this story a little happier for a while, though I do love a bit of angst, poor Tony and Ziva. Also Shane Brennan Reference in there, virtual high five for anyone who got it._


	8. Chapter 8

It wasn't like the movies

The sun _didn't_ filter through the windows, illuminating every curve of their spent bodies as they lay tangled with one another and the sheets, unable to tell where one person ended and the other began.

They _didn't _wake up at exactly the same moment, staring into each other's eyes, before lazily and languorously repeating what they had spent all of yesterday afternoon and a good part of the night doing.

And they most definitely didn't look like their usual pristine selves right now. Make up was smudged, hair was sticking up, lips were swollen and scratch marks and bruises were visible on both of their bodies.

Quite honestly they were a little sore and it would take a little more than just looking one another in the eyes for them to forget the pain and go in for yet another round.

Though maybe that last one didn't count so much, it being his only reason – or more excuse - _not_ to jostle her awake and give in to his most basic male urges, _again_, because if he was honest with himself he probably could _endure _it, if it meant he got to have more of the lovely Ziva.

It wasn't idyllic, it wasn't by definition perfect. It was _better_.

The rain was falling heavily outside, bouncing off the pavement as people sheltered under shop doorways, the brave ones making a run for it. They were living their lives as they would every day, going for coffee, call into the office. They weren't aware in the slightest that to him, the world may as well have stopped spinning, hell world war three could start outside and he doubted it would be enough to pull him out of this blissfully happy trance that he was in. He didn't think he had ever felt more separated from the outside world as he did now, and it was all thanks to her.

Because right now as he lay in his bed, with Ziva, the woman he loved more than anything, curled into his side, clinging to him, subconsciously trying to sink further into his embrace, further into _him. _He doubted much else could compare to right now, to this moment.

Even the fact his arm had now gone slightly numb didn't register as he watched her face, completely as peace in the midst of sleep, her steady breathing the only way to note the passing of time.

It was unusual for Tony to wake up before Ziva. Usually she was up and back from her run before he even registered his alarm going off, _usually _she was calling round his with coffee and orders from Gibb's before he even had a chance to shower.

She was an early bird, he was not.

Which was why him waking up before her - and relatively late on in the morning too he noticed as he glanced blearily at his clock, the red numbers informing him that it was now half nine – was such a rare occurrence.

Though it wasn't as if he had been around her much to take note of what time she actually got up either. And he hoped, wanted more than he ever had before that in time he would become an expert on the matter. That waking up with her, would become the norm, that he would be included in her plans whatever they were, because one thing was for certain, he wasn't letting go of such a good thing.

Whether she wake up before him after him at the same time or even did cartwheels around the room at ungodly hours, she could do what she wanted as long as it meant she was with him. Call him a pessimist, but he was a firm believer – only further proved by some of the things that went down in his past – that good things don't simply just happen to him, there had to be a catch, and by the looks of things, Ziva was worth some serious karma points.

Regardless though of Ziva's morning routine or his debt to fate, he was glad that he was awake before she was.

It was better this way.

This way she could be reassured by the fact that even when he _did _wake up before her, he had no intention to bolt, no intention to run, he was staying right here. Even if he did need the bathroom right now, and waking up to morning breath wasn't the _most_ attractive aspect of a relationship.

It actually made him laugh when some men claimed to be immune to morning breath. It only made him laugh harder when their girlfriends _actually_ believed them.

Sure he and Josh had spun that line a lot, when trying to charm the popular girls into seeing them again at college – unbeknownst to popular belief he _hadn't_ actually went through every girl on campus. Well he hadn't _while_ he was actually a student there, anything after that just didn't count.

Because even he, Anthony DiNozzo. Proud owner of _every_ charming gene known to man, every gene that would make him successful with the ladies – though always failing to work on the one lady in particular – suffered from morning breath. Maybe not as bad a some, but he still got it nonetheless.

What the dim-witted girlfriends failed to realise was that in fact when a guy _doesn't_ have morning breath it basically means that they have already snuck out of bed without them realising, brushing their teeth and then washing it down with something.

Tony had always chosen coffee. It tastes vile, but works every time. Well at least he thinks it does. He hadn't ever been caught out for it anyway. Because nothing quite says the morning after like the taste of what was presumed to be yesterday's coffee. Even if technically it would have been impossible considering most of the nights before were spent partying hard and chugging obscene quantities of cheap beer. He said they were dim-witted didn't he?

But bad breath or no bad breath, leaving Ziva – and he would hedge his bets that even with her ninja skills he could do it, his untangling skills were second to none – was the last thing that he wanted to do right now, or ever.

Because last night after their final, and quite honestly exhausting round of lovemaking, when their breathing and heart rates had returned back to normal and they were drifting off to sleep, he could tell something was off about her.

She wasn't stiff or fidgety in his arms, nor was she trying to put distance between them, quite the opposite if the way she cuddled into his side was anything to go by.

But he could almost hear her mind working, and when he opened his eyes, meeting hers, round and fearful, biting her teeth down into her bottom lip, he knew what she was afraid of.

Afraid that he would leave her, that he wouldn't be there in the morning, that he thought all of _this_ had been a huge mistake. Afraid that he would break her heart.

It wasn't that she didn't trust him to not break her heart; the fact that she had given it to him at all spoke volumes. But she was wary. Wary of being hurt, wary of putting herself out there just to be let down, even in the time he had known her he had seen the way she was left crushed and betrayed by the men in her life.

It was her final defence strategy, and he could almost see her considering the option to run herself. Even if like him it was the last thing she wanted to do.

Allow him to be the one to fall asleep and to wake up alone, rather than let it be her. At least then she would feel as though she had a small bit of control, because that was who Ziva was, who she always had been and likely always would be. She had to be in control of _everything_, even if it meant she was hurt in the process.

But there was no chance that was going to be happening.

Because he sure as hell wasn't going anywhere, this wasn't a mistake; this was the best thing that had ever happened to him.

He had waited so long to be the one to hold her in their arms, to be able to press a kiss into her hair whispering nonsense as he watched her relax finally succumbing to sleep, and it would take a stronger man than him to even _consider_ walking away from her.

It would take a while, he knew that, for her to fully fall to sleep peacefully, or know that when she woke up to find him not there, that he hadn't abandoned her. Just as he would no doubt get used to waking up without her.

It would take time, but he was willing.

And when he looked down again at the slightly stirring Ziva, fighting off the heavy blanket of sleep, scrunching up her nose in a way that made her look so ridiculously cute that he had to resist the urge to lean over and plant a kiss to her lips, he knew it wasn't that big of a hardship.

They had the rest of their lives after all.

* * *

><p>Blinking her eyes, slowly gaining an awareness of her surroundings as she woke from what had been the most peaceful slumber she had had in some time. Ziva was vaguely conscious of two things.<p>

One, she wasn't in her own bed.

Hell she probably would be able to tell that if she was _unconscious._

Her own bed most certainly wasn't as large, she had decided on a smaller bed being easier to warm up during the cold winter months– she may not live in Israel anymore that didn't mean she didn't miss the warmer climate .

Ray had assumed the purchase had meant that she wanted him as close to her as possible while they slept. After last night though, she most definitely could rule out herself not being a cuddler. She had possibly been the closest she could have been, snuggled into his arms, yet it hadn't been close enough. She literally wanted to sink into him, the smell and the warmth that radiated from his body, making her grin from ear to ear and want to dance around the apartment, for no other reason than it was Tony. She knew then she simply must have been cuddling – or being cuddled by - the wrong guys.

This bed though, this bed was not only huge – which came in very handy she must admit – but it had a certain feel to it. Not in a comfortable sort of way, though it was, very. But in a way that made her feel like this was where she was supposed to be. The smell of his aftershave, and the slightest hint of his shampoo that was laced into the sheets, the way his body heat warmed the void underneath the covers, the way his skin felt against hers.

She would quite happily wake up every morning like this, in fact she never wanted to sleep alone again, and if the way Tony's arm tightened around her and the way his hands gently stroked her hair were anything to go by she doubted he was going to let her.

That was the second thing that she was aware of.

That Tony was still here.

Not that she thought he would have left her, ran away like he had done to so many other women in the past – and god she must love him if she knew about his playboy ways and _still_ wanted him so badly.

But she couldn't help but have this irrational fear, that if she closed her eyes, if she stopped appreciating the fact that she was _here_, that she was with him for a second, that he, that _this _would be taken from her.

She had feared that she would wake up to find that it had all been a dream, that none of it had been real.

She didn't even want to think about what she would have done had she woken up.

Because this was so god damn perfect, she couldn't understand how she had gone so long without it, without _him. _He was the sweetest and caring man she had ever met, and she _knew_ that he had seen straight through her last night.

Had seen the fear in her eyes, had seen the worry that had played across her face, she had been too tired to hide it, though secretly she had wanted him to know how she was feeling, wanted to him to hold her close and reassure her that it wasn't a dream, that they were real and they were here and they were going to spend the rest of their days like this, wrapped up in one another and loving one another until the day they died. She most certainly didn't have a problem with that, she just didn't know how to voice it, without making herself sound needy and just _unlike _her.

She had expected him to question her as to why she was worried, as to why she didn't trust him to stay put and she had braced herself ready to explain.

She had been ridiculously honest in telling him how she felt about him, in fact she had lost count of the amount of times she had told him she loved him, sometimes when they were in the throes of passion though mostly when they had recovered and he was placing gentle kisses around her face.

But there was still the old part of her that was there, the part of her that would _always _be there. The part that would forever consider being emotional, and sharing them with another person made you vulnerable, made you weak. For him though she was prepared to do it, prepared to put herself on the line, because that was what he _deserved_.

He didn't ask questions though. He didn't need to.

He knew exactly what she was thinking, exactly how to deal with it, and knew that she didn't want to talk about it. It was like an electric shock the realisation of just how well he knew her. No, how well he understood her because anyone could get to know her in time, but she doubted anyone but Tony would see directly into her, just by looking into her eyes.

So he didn't ask her to talk.

Instead he held her closer, kissing and stroking her hair whispering things she often couldn't make out, babbling about everything and nothing. About how much he loved her, about the latest classic movie he bought, anything that would calm her, that would assure her that it was ok to sleep. It was ok to surrender.

So she did.

Now as she slowly woke up. Vaguely aware that he was awake before her, she lifted her body in an attempt to allow Tony the use of his now clearly very numb arm. But he didn't move, just pulled her closer, sweeping the hair from her face and kissing her forehead.

She didn't know if it was the man or the gesture that made the tears form at her eyes, threatening to overflow as they had yesterday. Today though they weren't of sadness, regret or relief, but complete and utter happiness, the way her heart constricted slightly at his actions, the way she wanted nothing more than him being close and intimate with her like he was now. This was perfect, it was too good, _he_ was too good and she couldn't understand what she had done to deserve this.

She hadn't thought it was possible to be any more in love with him, but she had been wrong and was continued to be proved wrong. Because every second she spent with Anthony DiNozzo she fell more and more in love with him. She couldn't help it, yet she truly hoped that it never changed.

Opening her eyes she couldn't help the huge smile that spread across her lips, gazing up to his face, memorising every part of what was their first morning together, she realised how much he must want to make a movie reference right now, and at that she laughed. Her chuckle ringing out through the quiet of the bedroom, making her chest shake with laughter, even though it wasn't really that funny.

Anyone else would have probably been offended, but this was Tony. Instead he simply smiled at her, a look of wonder on his face, obviously curious if his partner, if his _girlfriend _had gone completely insane.

"What's so funny?" he asked when she calmed down slightly.

"I was just thinking, how hard it must be for you right now, trying not to quote a movie and spoil the moment."

"It's like a physical pain" he humoured her, clutching his hand to his chest theatrically before returning it to her hair. "Who would have thought you would have been the one to ruin our first morning together."

"I am sorry Tony" she drew out, amusement playing on her face as she traced patterns on his chest.

"Nope not good enough Zee-vah" he replied in mock hurt "You're going to have a lot to making up to do for this one"

"Oh I don't think we should have a problem with that" she replied sending him a wink before rolling them, before he even had a chance to respond, leaving him underneath her as she straddled his hips, and that was _definitely not_ his knee. Give the man credit, getting older didn't seem to have that big of an effect on him "See I have a slight interest in that third knee of yours these days." She said moving her hands up from his chest so that they could thread through his own sandy hair.

She smiled when he almost purred, taking note to pay attention _there_ when she wanted something in the future, no one could ever say Tony was a normal kind of guy. She could almost imagine his dating the one profile '_loves movie nights and scalp massages_' though then again no she really couldn't, she seriously wasn't letting another women near him again – maybe she would make an exception for Abby.

"Yeah I bet you do" he agreed, before grabbing her shoulders and rolling them again so that she was underneath him, her legs wrapping round his, as their centres met, causing a gasp to escape her lips as she splayed her palms over his shoulder blades.

It was the way he was looking at her now though, the way you couldn't deny the love, the admiration and the disbelief that was in his eyes. She knew that the look was mirrored in her own, neither one of them quite fully believing that this was real, that they were allowed to be this content. You could almost see him awaiting the rejection, waiting for her to leave him, for her to move on to someone that was better than him. And he wasn't trying to hide it.

She wasn't the only one scarred by her past.

The guilt she felt about the way she had treated him the past few years was almost consuming as she let her hands cradle his jaw her thumb stroking his cheekbones as he placed his weight on his elbow's on either side of her.

He was vulnerable, emotional and likely a little fearful, and yet he trusted her.

Trusted her with his heart, trusted her to take care of it, look after it, just as she had with him.

The fact he had done so though so willingly, despite the way she had acted, _despite_ the fact at times she had been downright cruel to him. Been cruel past the point of their witty back and forth, but the point of intentionally ignoring what was between them. And despite the fact she had made him feel as if he was alone in this. He had given in to her, give her his all, and had never not once given up.

Right now though she couldn't imagine – couldn't _stand_ – the thought of hurting him, couldn't even consider leaving him, and couldn't _not_ share a part, this part, of herself with him when he was so openly loving and sweet to her. He always allowed her to be in control, had waited until she was ready to take this step with him, and apart from finally giving in to what she had been fighting for so long she had given him nothing in return.

She refused to hide anymore; she refused to run from her emotions. Instead she was determined to face them head on. It didn't stop the fear though, didn't stop the terrifying ideas that he would change his mind after all of this. She would be broken if he did, she had seen what it could be like now, had experienced what it was like to be with him. She couldn't live without it.

"You are still here" she said, still stroking the lines of his face, her eyes never leaving his.

"Of course I am, why wouldn't I be?"

Her next reply was barely above a whisper "Because maybe you decided I was not want you wanted, that you deserve someone better, maybe you decided it wasn't worth it"

"There's no one better" he assured moving a hand to smooth her hair back slightly, chuckling at the exasperated expression she threw his way "You're perfect Ziva" he added watching the way her lip trembled slightly and her face crumpled.

"No I am not" she said a tear escaping her "I am damaged goods" she blinked the tears away furiously, trust her to ruin a perfectly find morning, but maybe it was the way he was looking at her now, or the fact she had never felt safer, but she needed his reassurance.

"There's no such thing Ziva" he said watching her confused expression he continued "No one goes through life without being broken, one way or another, people change, people move on, sometimes leaving the ones they love behind."

He watched as she squeezed her eyes tightly shut her features pained by the memories of her past, but still he carried on stroking her hair and saying what he had to say, it wasn't often Ziva was like this. And if he could help to settle just a few of her demons, and then well he would feel that he had done something worthwhile for her.

"You see nothing ever remains _unbroken_. You think a good book stays in exactly the same condition as when it is on the shelf? You think that antiques aren't missing pieces, that parts of it haven't been lost through time? No one and nothing stays completely innocent, no one ever makes it through life without being hurt. Some people just receive bigger hits than others"

For once Ziva didn't try to cut in staring intently at him, waiting for him to continue, not entirely sure she could handle what he was going to say next, but knowing that she had to hear it regardless.

"Then there is you Ziva. You're none of those things, you're not a used book, or an antique, and you're not a classic movie that gets better with age. Though actually I take that back you do only get better" he joked, watching her smirk slightly.

She was grateful that he defused the incredibly tense situation with humour. It was a technique that she knew he used a lot, and she hated the thought him locking things away - rich coming from her, she knew – but for once she was glad of it.

"But you Ziva, you're something like a jewel, something precious. You're someone that has been tossed and turned in the past, literally having the short end of the stick in everything you did, had to deal with loss and tragedy countless times, yet what would destroy most only made you stronger. It made you who you are Ziva; it brought you here to this moment, made you into the most perfect, sexy if slightly insane woman I have ever known and I love you so much" he watched as he mouth gaped open, it would have been slightly comical if not for the heaviness of his confession.

He knew that this was nothing like him, like _them_, being this mushy, allowing themselves to just say what they pleased. But it was something that they had to do, if not for the others comfort but for their own peace of mind too.

"So you're not damaged goods Ziva, anything but. Fate has just dealt you badly in the past, and I wish I could take away some of that pain for you, but I, hell even the team, or anyone who cares about you wouldn't have you any other way." He finished before leaning down to whisper in her ear "And I most definitely don't want, never mind deserve anything better, not that I would find it."

Ziva let out something between a laugh and a sob that had been caught in her throat the entire time Tony had been speaking. She didn't think that _anyone_ would have ever been able to convince her otherwise, and although she doubted she would ever _truly_ believe it, hearing Tony's faith in her, in the person that she had become was soothing. It was only a chip, but it took some of the grief that haunted her about her previous actions away.

Hell he had quite literally bulldozed the last wall she had in place, there was no reason he wouldn't be able to tackle this one too.

For now though, she realised that she hadn't said anything in some time, though Tony didn't look uncomfortable or like he was even awaiting a reply at all. He was letting her think about it, giving her space, giving her the thinking time that she needed. She seriously doubted for the second time that morning that there was anyone that knew her as well as he did.

She had to say something though, had to assure him that she had taken on at least a bit of what he had said.

Instead though she grabbed his face, bringing his lips down on hers, and kissing him soundly, pouring all of her emotion, all that she wanted to say but couldn't into it.

"Well If that's the reaction I'm going to tell you slushy things more often" he smirked, pressing another kiss to her mouth, their faces centimetres apart.

"Shut up" she laughed, turning serious when she added "You always know the right things to say, even if I am in a bitchy mood, I do really appreciate it"

"Hey there's no need to _appreciate_ it, it's what we do Zee-Vah"

"Still-" she tried to argue but was but off by the feel of his hands moving down her body, instead she simply give in allowing him to do as he pleased, only breaking her mouth away from his to whisper "I really do love you, you know"

"Yeah I know" he whispered back "I would love me too" he added before descending on her neck again, preventing a reply from escaping her lips.

* * *

><p>As it turned out, they didn't decide to get out of bed until lunch time.<p>

The sound of their stomachs had been rumbling through the bedroom for a good hour, each of them giving the other a pointed look, wordlessly asking if they should actually get up, before they mutually agreed on another five minutes and settling into the covers again.

By half twelve though, both of them were seriously starving, and desperate for a caffeine fix, and knew that they had to get up, that if they didn't get up now they likely wouldn't for the rest of the afternoon too.

That didn't mean _either _of them got out of bed willingly.

Still slightly sleepy Tony didn't move but mumbled into Ziva's neck. "Think we should maybe get up sometime soon?"

"No" she replied snuggling in closer. "Can go without food"

"Maybe you can, but I most definitely can't" he laughed, he wasn't as young as he used to be, he had accepted that, but without food he doubted he would be able to perform to his _best_ abilities.

Though maybe he would just give it a try he thought as Ziva sat up, the covers falling around her.

"I think I should probably shower" Ziva stated, rolling over in an attempt to sit up though was pulled back by Tony's arm wrapping round her waist and pulling her back to him."I thought you said you couldn't go without food" she questioned, not really putting up much of a fight.

"I take it back" he said winking at her. "I want to stay in bed all day"

"Have fun with that" she smiled at the pout he made as she made to roll away from him again "I am going to shower" she said as she stood up.

Her legs were slightly unsteady from the activities of the previous twenty four hours – had it been that long already? – but that didn't stop her failing to notice the way Tony's pupils dilated as he took in the sight of a very wild looking and very naked Ziva. He definitely wasn't having a problem with performance this morning.

"Why don't we shower together, save water?" he said as he stood up too, though thankfully pulled a robe on.

"Because then it would be another hour before we got to eat" she laughed as he walked over to her enveloping her in his arms, and trailing his mouth across her jaw line.

"I can be quick"

"Oh really?"

"Really, I can be as quick or slow as you like, just say the word"

It was tempting, it was so very tempting. But as she eyed him up or down, taking in every aspect of his body that she had become very familiar with recently, she knew that if she gave in to him now, they likely wouldn't even _make_ it to the damn bathroom, no matter how _quick_ he was, and she doubted the floor would be particularly comfortable.

He was giving her the puppy dog eyes though and how could she resist that? Maybe if she made him promise to behave?

Ah who was she kidding? She couldn't even make him promise to play innocent, the man only had to be typing at his desk and she wanted to tear his clothes off. If he was in the shower, water running down his body and - no this wasn't happening, she didn't think _she_ could promise to be innocent never mind him.

But the way he was looking at her right now, as if he wanted to devour her there and then, even though she probably looked like the biggest mess – she wasn't planning on even looking at her hair – quickly made her forget about her resolution, setting off a completely different type of hunger to the one she had been thinking about minutes ago.

Damn he had done it again.

"Fine" she sighed her hands coming to her hips as she watched a smile spread across his face "Don't act so smug, I am only doing it to help the environment."

"Sure you are" he said as he wrapped his arms around her waist, backing her towards the bathroom door, his lips and breath tickling her earlobe "Got nothing to do with the fact I'm so irresistible."

She chuckled as she felt herself being pushed before grabbing his hair and pulling his head up to look at her "Trust me, you are not that irresistible"

"I think I am"

"No you are really not" she lied though with some difficulty, because right now, as his breath trailed up and down her neck, though his lips refused to meet skin, he was proving **very** hard to resist.

"So if I were to do this" he lightly bit before licking the length of her collar bone, slowly making his way up to her jaw, hearing her gasp slightly he smirked, yeah he knew _just_ how irresistible he was "It wouldn't affect you at all? You would still claim you were doing this to _help out_ Mother Nature?"

"Yes" she replied, though hating the way her voice was so breathy and drawn out, she should really just give up now, but she most certainly wasn't going down without a fight "It's important to help out how you can."

"So you're not doing this so you can ogle my body?" his words came out as smoothly and easily as ever though he wasn't currently pressed against the bathroom wall, by his very naked partner, if only she could switch their positions round somehow.

"No, it's a chore really" she clicked her tongue "But you do what you have to do"

At that Tony lifted his head, his eyes a mix of lust and amusement, and god did she want him right there, she just wish they could give up this silly game, because right now the tension was reaching a painful side of intense, she just didn't want to be the one to give in first, simply to prove him wrong.

"Oh like there's nothing in this for you" he said as his lips made connection with her neck, lightly sucking and blowing alternatively on the skin, making a whimper escape her throat as she threaded her fingers through his hair keeping him in place, as he moved up and down, paying attention to love spots that she didn't even know she had.

He slowly made his way down the expanse of her chest, and just as she thought he would make contact, he pulled away, making her eyes shoot open, finding him leaning across the shower turning the water on, wearing nothing but a partly smug smile as he took in the no doubt crazy look that was in her eyes due to what he had just denied her.

"Thought I would make this hideous chore a little easier for you" he smirked as he climbed into the shower cubicle, keeping up the act that he was going to stop like that. "Wouldn't want any distractions now would we?"

She didn't know if it was the frustration or the way he looked as the water rippled down him, but in that moment something in her snapped. She practically charged forward into the cubicle with him, pinning him to the wall as she felt the water streaming through her hair as she connected her mouth with his, hearing him groan as she took control, wanting their bodies as close as possible, making it quite obvious that this was most certainly not a _chore _she minded doing.

"Guess this means I'm right" he grinned as they parted slightly for air, though only for a second, before he flipped them round, making her gasp at the feel of his body pressed against hers.

"Shut up" she slurred against his lips, wrapping her arms round his neck to pull his head closer.

"Someone's a bit feisty today aren't they?"

"I seriously hate you" she threw back, though the way he fingers raked up and down his back bringing his chest closer to her own, moaning slightly at the way the contact sent sparks flying between them, spoke of something completely different.

"Sure you do" he laughed, before running his hands down the backs of her thighs "Hey Zee-Vah"

"What?" she asked impatiently, as she took in the position they were now in, why could he never just do things without having to talk first?

"Love you too" he said before picking her up, her legs wrapping round his waist as she kissed him harder open mouthed, desperately trying to relieve the tension that came from being trapped between his body and the wall.

She just hoped that the water blocked out at least some of the noise, the neighbours really wouldn't know what had hit them this past day and a half .Though the more she thought about it as Tony pressed further into her still teasing, only teasing, she really didn't care. The teasing most certainly didn't last for long.

* * *

><p>She never would have thought that Tony would take longer to get ready than she did. But after insisting that she go through the his bedroom and get changed first, digging out some old clothes she had left a while ago, claiming that if she seriously wanted to see outside of the four walls today she had to stop tempting him, she was now sat in his kitchen, absently stirring her coffee, thinking about everything and nothing.<p>

The thought of having to tell the team, to have to tell Gibb's about this, or more about _them_ - she didn't doubt that no one with the exception of Abby would even be moderately interested about the goings on in Tony's shower, or the _goings on_ anywhere for that matter- popped up occasionally filling her with a sense of dread that she couldn't quite push down.

They had agreed that rule twelve _or_ Gibb's wouldn't play a part in what they were, or what they were becoming, she wasn't going back on that, she would be crazy if she did. She had made her choice and was sticking to it. But Gibb's was such a father figure to both her and Tony, she knew Tony was worried as well, not about the effects it would have on the team, or whether they would be separated as partners, but about losing Gibb's respect. They both looked up to him, and badly wanted his approval over this, over something that was important to them.

She knew that they would continue with or without his blessing, but the idea of not having his support was saddening.

She pushed the thoughts of work and daddy issues back for the meantime though, deciding to cross that bridge when it came to it, for now, they had the rest of the day to spend together and they sure as hell were going to make the most of it. They wouldn't have another day off until Saturday, and even then, it was unlikely.

When Tony eventually made his way into the kitchen she could help the little leap her heart made at the sight of him, all clean cut and fresh in his casual clothes, and the little smile he gave her when she handed him the other mug of coffee was enough to melt her into a little ninja puddle.

"We going to be one of those couples who coordinate their clothing then?" he questioned, taking a sip from his mug smiling slightly as he took in the sight of her too, he hair pulled back loosely and her makeup which had been scraped together by the little amounts Cath had left in the cupboard, lightly applied on her features.

"What do you mean?"

"Well" he started, before gesturing to himself and then to Ziva, she didn't understand for a moment before she realised they were wearing almost exactly the same clothes, their jeans almost the same style, their t- shirts both white, the only thing different being their shoes and the fact Ziva had a jacket she was intending to wear and Tony a zip up hoody slung over his arm.

Any other time this probably would have freaked her out, being too much '_couply_' for her liking, yet with him she could only laugh, trust the pair of them to put on near identical things accidentally, it was quite cute when she thought about it.

"I guess we are" she said through her chuckling.

"Wait so you don't care? You're ok being the cute matching couple that you no doubt make comments about normally"

"Well If I did I would have made you change by now, considering we are going to have to go out, you have absolutely no food in your house Tony"

"Oh yeah I forgot about that" he said rubbing his head, as he opened the fridge and various draws "I have oatmeal!" he said triumphantly if only to mess with her, and upon seeing her exasperated expression he knew he had succeeded.

"Tony"

"I'm only joking, we'll go out, I know a great place that does all day breakfast and the best falafel you will ever try" he said as he picked up his car keys and pulled on his hoody and jacket "think we'll need an umbrella?" he added as he peered out of the window, looking for signs that it may rain again.

"I think we should be ok for this afternoon, as long as we make it back before late" she couldn't help the warmth she felt as so easily making the assumption that they would simply be coming back here, she could feel herself falling into a routine and they hadn't even been together a week. She knew he noticed it to, the way he couldn't stop a goofy grin even as he searched the couch for his phone, but neither of them said anything, instead she questioned him about where they were headed "So how come I've never been taken to this place before?" she questioned suspiciously wondering if he was just making it up so that he could drive.

"I obviously wanted to save it for our first hot date"

"I think you have the wrong idea of what exactly a hot date is, in that case is Tony"

"Nope, I think I have a pretty good idea, pretty much any date that involves you counts as one"

"Even if we did things a little backwards, usually the date happens before the sex, yes?" she said pausing in the door way, leaning against the frame, listening to him laugh, and she didn't half love that sound.

"Yeah I suppose we did" he agreed, leaning down to give her a quick peck on the lips "but when is anything with you ordinary?" he smiled, bumping their noses together, watching the way her eyes flitted between his eyes and lips, clearly torn between kissing him back and risking not getting further than the apartment door or actually going outside to get some much needed sunlight.

He made the decision for her, by straightening up and pulling the door closed behind him, wrapping an arm round her shoulders, he almost expected her to pull away, but instead she wrapped her own arm around his hips, tucking her hand into his jeans pocket. He just smiled down at her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head, for once not minding having to take the stairs.

* * *

><p>It was funny, she thought, that she had just assumed that the fact her and Tony were now together would stop her from being so jealous, seeing women stare and flirt at him on the street, instead it made her worse.<p>

She was almost like a pit bull walking down the street, growing more and more territorial the more women she saw openly looking at him, each of them choosing to ignore the fact that he was with someone. Someone who currently looked ready to murder the next person, man or woman, who dared look up _her_ man again, it was stupid and irrational, and she knew Tony wasn't looking back but she didn't care.

She wanted people to know, wanted people to realise that he was taken, that they couldn't have him. The look on Tony's face when she had taken hold of his hand had been priceless, until he began looking at her questioningly, obviously wondering why she was being so _openly_ affectionate placing a kiss on his cheek, resting her head on his shoulder. It wasn't the normal her, he knew that, knew that something must be setting this off considering they hadn't told _anyone_ yet and could be easily be seen out here.

She knew herself, it wasn't like her to be the hand holding clingy girlfriend in public, though she couldn't help feel comforted by the way he squeezed her hand, by the way she knew he was his and no one else could take him from her. She could get used to this quite quickly she resolved, though as another woman cast her beady eyes up and down, she knew one aspect of this that she wouldn't accept for quite some time.

It wasn't until they had finished their lunch/dinner, which was just as good as he had promised, as she – and about twenty other females in the diner – watched him walk to the bathroom, that she realised just how lucky she was, not only to have the life she had, but to be here, with him.

Tony could have had practically anyone he wanted; any woman in this diner would have been jumping at the chance to be with him, yet he had chosen her, he loved her just as much as she loved him, and that was all that really mattered. It wasn't her that should be jealous of them; it was _them_ that were jealous of her. Jealous of the fact that she was with such an attractive sweet guy, who bought her another falafel because she demolished hers in about a second, who kissed her across the table without a second thought and shared his coffee with, when she insisted that she didn't want another one.

"You hit the jackpot with that one honey" a voice broke through her thoughts as she looked up at the aging, slightly plump waitress who was clearing up their table.

"Yes he's pretty amazing" she replied, refusing to be embarrassed by how much of a love struck teenager she sounded like right now.

"If I was just a good few years younger I would have been fighting you tooth and nail for a man like that" she commented smiling downwards at Ziva as she paused in the stacking of dishes.

"I do not think you are the only one" Ziva said looking round the room at all the eager faces watching the bathroom door, not thinking about how it sounded before it slipped out "Oh sorry I did not mean for it to sound like that-"

"No need to apologise sweetie" the waitress who was apparently called 'Meg' if her name tag was anything to go by "the amount of cougars in this place currently watching your man, I would be making comment too" she waited until she saw Ziva smile before continuing "You don't have anything to worry about though with that one, the way he looks at you, you may as well be the last woman on this damn planet, you can tell he only has eyes for you and you alone."

Ziva couldn't help beam at that, she was sure that Tony would tell her exactly the same thing, but to hear it from a total stranger, her heart felt fit to burst.

"How long you two been together?"

"Seven years" she replied smoothly, well it wasn't exactly a lie.

"And still no ring on that finger?"

Ziva shook her head, trying not to giggle – and god was she seriously that giddy that she was fighting back _giggles_ – at the look on the woman's face.

"Well don't you worry sweetie, the way he looks at you after all this time, it won't be long"

"I hope so" she grinned, not noticing Tony making his way back to the table , sliding back into his chair on the opposite side of the table.

"You hope what?" Tony asked just as she noticed he was there and she really shouldn't be this flustered just by talk of weddings, so flustered in fact that she can't think of a reasonable explanation for what she had just said, she didn't think '_oh I'm planning our marriage 48 hours into our relationship' _ would go down to well.

"You're pretty little thing here was just saying she hoped the weather held out for the rest of the week" Meg cut in, sending a wink Ziva's way, pretending not to see the questioning look on Tony's face. "Well I have to get back to work, you two have a nice day now, and call again soon won't you?" she said as she stood up, taking a tray of dirty dishes and cups with her.

"Of course, it was nice speaking with you" Ziva called back, watching as her rather large behind weaved almost gymnastically through the maze of tables, she smiled before turning back to Tony, who had raised an eyebrow and was staring at her from across the table.

"What?"

"The weather, huh?"

"Yes the weather" she smiled, pulling out her purse.

Deciding that he wasn't going to get anything other than that out of her, he put his hand over hers "Hey no Zee-Vah, I'm buying" she couldn't help but notice the way about five extra heads shot up and looked towards them when he said that.

"I know" she said "I was just going to put in for the tip, she truly was a very sweet lady"

"The weather, right?" he smirked, before adding "Just tell me how much you want to give her and I will put it in"

"I really love you" she said, leaning across to kiss him while holding his face in her hands, when they eventually pulled apart, Tony slightly breathless she smiled "And yes, the weather"

He laughed as he stood up, pulling her with him, linking their fingers together as they strolled outside in the direction of his car. They laughed and teased one another the entire way, at one point nearly getting hit by a delivery truck when they weren't paying attention to the road.

"So what else are we going to do today, on our '_hot date'_?" she questioned, as spun, wrapping herself into his arms.

"Well I was thinking, maybe retire again for the evening, and maybe watch a movie, among other things" he said nuzzling her neck, as they stood waiting for the traffic lights to change so they could cross safely this time.

"Hmm that sounds good to me" she replied, though upon remembering the wasteland that was his cupboards added "Maybe we should go food shopping first though"

He looked up at that "Grocery shopping, very domestic" he hummed though he realised what he said before he could stop himself, practically recoiled awaiting her reaction, she had never been one for commitment, hell neither had he, and maybe saying something like that was just too _soon. _

Instead of turning and running as fast as she could the opposite direction however she simply smiled at him, tilting her head up to him, if he wasn't sure that the weather wasn't the only thing that _Meg_ and her talked about before he was sure now, whatever that lady had said, clearly had had a positive impact on Ziva.

She had felt him stiffen, knew that he was waiting a reaction – likely a bad one – from her, and sure at one time, she probably would have ran a mile at the very idea of doing something that was so grown up and so much like a married couple would do, but things were different now, things had changed, and she couldn't bring herself to care about it.

So she simply pressed her lips to his chin, watching his shell shocked expression before speaking "Yeah it is isn't it" she smiled before pulling him across the road with one hand "In return for my assistance though, I get to choose the movie"

"As long as it's not 'The Sound of Music' I can deal"

"Ah you have just climbed into a hole there Tony"

"It's dug"

"Excuse me? Who is Doug?"

"No Zee-Vah, the expression is '_Dug yourself into a hole_'" he watched as she gave a little nod, recognizing it as one of the habits she didn't even realise she had, the thing she did when she was committing idioms to memory.

"But why would you dig yourself into a hole?"

"I don't know, maybe it was the choice between that and watching 'The Sound of Music'"

"Just for that I am going to consider making you"

"I don't have the DVD"

"Yes you do"

"No I don't"

"I left it round your place especially for times like this Tony" she fluttered her eyelashes at him, playing innocent, even though she knew she had no intention of actually making him watch it, besides he only spoilt it when he did, making his sarcastic comments about the song choices and the fact it had a totally unrealistic plot, says the man who can quote every James Bond film word for word.

"Well, erm, I lost it"

"You lost it"

"Yep"

"You are lying"

"No I'm not, wait how can you tell?"

"You scrunch your nose up slightly, it is very cute, plus, you would not dare throw it out, out of fear of what I may or may not do to you."

"Kinky"

"Tony" she started giving him a stern look "If you do not want to watch it, all you have to do is ask me nicely"

"And then we don't have to watch it, ever again?"

"Do not push your luck, this is a onetime deal"

"Ok"

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Ask me nicely"

She snorted at the groan he made, turning to face her outside of the grocery store, bringing her closer to him, muttering something about not believing he's doing this "Ziva, Please could-"

"No" she cut him off, grinning at being able to boss him round so much –that would definitely prove interesting later – "You have to say it like you actually mean it"

"Ziva, sweet cheeks, even in return for your wonderful shopping assistance, could we please not watch 'The Sound of Music' tonight, and I promise I will make it worth your while" he smirked as her eyes narrowed on him.

"You had to go and spoil a perfectly innocent request by making it dirty"

"Oh like you weren't thinking it" he breathed against her ear, making her own breath catch slightly "You sure we need to get shopping?" he questioned, tightening his grip on her hip, hoping no one was paying a lot of attention to them.

"Yes I am sure, now walk through those doors right now and get a shopping cart" at hearing his groan she couldn't help but compare him to a naughty child who had been told he couldn't have any sweets or was refusing to behave, luckily for her getting this _particular_ child to behave was easier than you would have thought "Just think of it as, the sooner we get done, the sooner we can get home"

"Getting the cart" he said springing forward, making her laugh again at just how fast he moved when bribed with _that. _

It didn't look like their shopping trip would last that long after all.

* * *

><p>By the time they had got back to the – or should she say Tony's – apartment, and thoroughly made up for lost time, neither of them could be bothered to cook anything and all of the frozen stuff had melted after remaining dumped unceremoniously at the front door still in the shopping bags, so they had decided to order out.<p>

Right now though it reminded him too much of the old days – though maybe without Ziva being sprawled across his chest on the couch, they had been close, but not that close. The way the empty pizza boxes lay empty on the coffee table, the way that beer bottle were strewn everywhere as a movie played out on his TV, thankfully Ziva had restrained herself from choosing 'The Sound of Music' though apparently his distraction wasn't good enough to waver her from the Disney movies and they ended up watching 'Pirates of The Caribbean'.

He supposed it was a classic in its own right, but he wasn't too amused by the amount of screen time Johnny Depp had, I mean sure he was the main character and all, but would it kill him to let the others do a bit in front of the cameras? And no this had nothing to do with the fact Ziva had a major crush on the guy, nothing at all.

Not that it mattered; she was practically asleep now anyway.

But it was so weird, that they had once again had came a full circle, battling through every little thing that life had threw at them, climbed over every obstacle that had been put in their way, and not once had either of them given up, never had they accepted that what was there between them was gone. Sure they had tried to move on, attempted to deny it to themselves and everyone around them, but this is where they had ended up.

They were like magnets, complete opposites, yet unable to fight the pull between them.

It was oddly beautiful in a poetic sort of way.

And now the way she snuggled further into him, neither of them paying attention to the movie, he knew that whatever it was that they had been through, whatever they had overcome, no matter how badly they had been hurt, it was worth it.

He wouldn't swap this for the world.

"What are you thinking?" she whispered sleepily, barely opening her eyes to look at him.

"How do you know I'm thinking?" he asked quietly, his hands absently playing with her hair.

"I can hear the cogs turning, try not to hurt yourself" she grinned at her own joke, slightly more awake now.

"Very funny" he sighed "Of all the idioms to remember, you choose to get that one right"

"I thought it might come in useful" she answered while tracing patterns on his chest over his shirt "Seriously what are you thinking about though Agent DiNozzo?"

"Mostly you" he swallowed "And all of this"

"What about it? You are not having second thoughts are you?"

"What? No of course not" he almost stuttered in his haste to get the words out, deciding to tighten his arms around her even more to emphasise his point.

"Good" she replied adding "Me either" clearly a worn out Ziva turned into a very honest one, he couldn't help but wonder how many people before him had actually seen this real side of her, he doubted there would be many.

"Tony?"

"Yeah Zee-Vah?"

"What are we going to do about work?"

He rubbed his hands up and down her back gently, he had known they had to talk about this, as blissful as this weekend had been they were back to work tomorrow, back to the real world and had to decide what they were going to do about it, how they were going to deal with their colleagues and working alongside each other often for more than twelve hours a day before heading home with each other, and spending even more _time_ together.

"What do you want to do about work?" he questioned, hoping to divert the decision to whatever she wanted to do, he truly wasn't bothered what they decided if it meant he got to stay with her. He would transfer to the freaking Antarctic if she so desired. Though as he looked at her now, her being wrapped in not one, but two of his jumpers, even on a relatively warm evening in Washington, he doubted anywhere that penguins roamed around freely was on the top of her list.

"I want to tell them about us" she paused, trying to gage his reaction "Tomorrow" she stated firmly as if she was having trouble convincing herself it was a good idea "Do not get me wrong, this thing between you and me, right now, is perfect, but I hate lying to them, and I would guess that Gibb's already knows and then if we leave it any longer Abby would not pleased _at all_, and-"

"It's ok, I get it" he said stroking her face as he looked up at her, her eyes sleepy despite the determination he heard in her voice "They are our family, they deserve to know, and we want them to share this with them" he saw the relief cross her face before she rested her head back on his chest, her heavy eyes drooping slightly, as she allowed the exhaustion to wash over her.

"Maybe we should wait until Gibb's is in a good mood first" she mumbled, feeling his laugh reverberating round his chest.

"Yeah, and make sure he doesn't have his rifle at hand"

"I do not think he would shoot you with it Tony"

"Thanks for the confidence"

"No, I think he would smack you over the head so hard with it, his normal slaps would seem like he was stroking your hair"

"Interesting visual" Tony replied, but didn't receive anything from her in response, gazing down he notice her eyes were now firmly closed and her breathing had levelled out, to steady even puffs of hair through her slightly opened mouth. She looked so much younger, so much more innocent like this, it took his own breath away.

Leaning across, he hit the power button on the remote, and was tempted to just allow himself to fall asleep on the couch, but understanding just how much his back would complain in the morning he decided it was time for plan B.

Gently shifting as to not stir Ziva to much, he wriggled out, placing her head down gently, before picking her up bridal style and carrying her down the hall to his bedroom, he doubted his life would be worth living if he left her out there, he just had to hope that she didn't wake up and attack him out of confusion.

Uncharacteristically though she didn't, in fact he wondered how cuddly and sweet she got when she was sleepy, or if, and he was one lucky guy if it was, if he was the only person she had allowed herself to be this way with.

He attempted to lay her down gently though the way her arms refused to unlock from around his neck, nearly had him pulled down on top of her as she softly whispered in his ear, half way between being asleep and awake "Come to bed please Tony, It isn't the same without you"

He probably would have made a joke about her wanting him so badly, but right now, he just wanted to climb in and hold her close until his alarm went off the next morning. So he tried reasoning with her so that she would release him. "Don't worry I'm coming to bed, you just have to let go of me for one minute, so I can get in beside you"

"Ok" she agreed and wow that was easy, as she loosened her arms, he climbed under the covers beside her, straightening them out so that she was covered as well before she grew impatient, turning round to cuddle into him again, her head nestled in the crook of his neck.

"I love you Tony" she mumbled "So much"

He sighed, revelling in the way just laying here, being with her completed him in ways he didn't even realise were unfinished.

Closing his eyes as he kissed the top of her head, he whispered back into the darkness doubtful that she even would hear it "I Love you too sweet cheeks, so much."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **_Once again I apologize for the delay, exams are crazy right now, but I do finish next Friday so updates should be a little more frequent. I'm not very good at writing fluff, it all seems very insincere and forced when I read it back, but hopefully it was ok, I've kind of given up attempting to write in character, so yeah they are both now big, grocery shopping, mushy saps. Hope you enjoyed. _


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